Monday, June 28, 2010

Let's Just Call It Smell You Later

Dear readers (and the rest of you too),

This blog used to be good. It's kind of lost its way over the last few months and it's now just an infrequent repository of (kickass) songs and lame half-posts. I'm struggling to find the time to write in it, and I shouldn't have to struggle only to post crap.

I think for this blog to be good again, it needs direction. I need to take some time and rethink what I want it to be. I'm sure some of what I usually do will survive to WWW 2.0, but not all of it. Hopefully I'll be back before too long.

Thank you all for following my blog. I love knowing that someone out there is reading what I write, and occasionally enjoying it. I hope that I can come back and better reward your effort. I'll continue to read all of you, so I'll be around.

Thanks :)


Friday, June 25, 2010

Rocking For The Weekend: Jellyfish

This week I bring you Jellyfish, a great 90s pop band that isn't half as well known as they should be. They made two albums and were gone as quickly as they came, but left behind this gem called "Baby's Coming Back". It was a minor hit in 1991, and it's a great introduction to Jellyfish's hooky, vaguely orchestral pop. I haven't made a list, but I'm pretty sure this would be in my top ten favorite songs. Enjoy the weekend! I might even get Sunday off and join you!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

That's Why He's The Master Of Horror

I was playing around with Photo Booth last night, and I had no idea how many effects it had or how specialized they were. Can you guys believe they have a "Stephen King" effect?

Friday, June 18, 2010

Rocking For The Weekend: Butch Walker

I first heard Butch Walker in the late 90s as the singer/songwriter/guitarist of kickass pop/punk band Marvelous 3. That band put out three fantastic albums and broke up in 2001, leading Walker to a new career as a songwriter/producer/svengali type. He's written and produced hits for such varied artists as Pete Yorn, Fall Out Boy, Avril Lavigne, All-American Rejects, Weezer, The Donnas, Hot Hot Heat, American Hi-Fi, and Dashboard Confessional, among others.

In addition to a career as a punkier Adam Schlesinger, Walker also continues to record his own albums. His solo music features the same catchy hook-laden pop rock as the Marvelous 3. Today's selection, "Bethamphetamine", comes from 2006's The Rise And Fall Of Butch Walker And The Let's-Go-Out-Tonites. Enjoy some fun rock and roll and enjoy your weekend!1

1. Even though I have to work. AGAIN.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

"Mahogany" Cards. Robert Horry.

Is it just me, or is the man in this Hallmark™ Mahogany card a dead ringer for NBA All-Star Robert Horry?

Do you think it's possible that Horry commissioned this lovely watercolor so that he might have a personalized card to send to family and friends? It would be most excellent for him to be able to go to the store and buy a card that was already pre-printed with his sentiments.

"Hello, dear friend or relative.

This is Robert Horry, and I am taking a moment from the time I set aside for looking pensive to wish you a happy birthday/graduation/wedding/baby/new job/bar mitzvah.

Best regards, seven time NBA champion Robert Horry.

P.S., thank you for your concerned inquiries, but no, I do not have vitiligo on my forearms."

I would like to think so. It amuses me.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Rocking For The Weekend: The Rolling Stones

In May, The Rolling Stones released a remastered version of Exile On Main Street, my #2 favorite album of all time. For some reason, I don't have my grubby little hands on it yet, but the news made me revisit this spectacular example of blues, juke joint boogie-woogie, and preening cocksurety.

Exile was recorded in the basement of Keith Richards' French hideaway during what approximated an extended house party. Guests came and went and took time out from frolicking to lay down a track or two. It all came together as a shambling, off the cuff masterpiece.

"Happy" is one of the few Stones songs that Richards sings lead vocals on. It lives up to its name, exuding joy at every turn. Consequently, it's long been a live staple for the Stones, and I hope you enjoy it today. Happy Weekend!1

1. Even though I don't get a weekend this week. Or next week. Grr.

Football, Chalupas, and Curly Joe

Seattle Seahawks rookie wide receiver Golden Tate was apprehended last weekend breaking into a local doughnut shop at 3am. Tate was drawn by the smell of freshly baked maple bars, which he ate several of before police arrived. According to the Associated Press, Tate called the incident a "foolish mistake", but also declared that "if you ever want maple bars, that's the place to go." Seahawks coach Pete Carroll told reporters that he had spoken to Tate about the issue. "That's definitely wrong. We've talked about it, addressed it. He's remorseful and all that." However, even Carroll seems to be under the spell of the delicious pastry, adding "I do understand the lure of the maple bars." WWW finds it hilarious that the shop victimized by Tate's 3am munchie run is called "Top Pot Doughnuts".

Tate's tale brought to mind other incidents involving football players who got in trouble with the law in pursuit of tasty treats. Yes, there are enough incidents to warrant a a blog post.1

Chad Kelsay, who played for the University of Nebraska and the Pittsburgh Steelers, was arrested in 2003 for eating off of other customers' plates at a Lincoln, Nebraska restaurant. By the time police arrived, Kelsay had moved on from pulling an Elaine Benes and was eating directly from the salsa bar. I am not making this up.

Both of these incidents are entertaining. But they simply cannot compare to the story of University of Kansas defensive end Dion Rayford. He was visiting a Taco Bell restaurant at 2am one night in 1999 when employees made the mistake of leaving a chalupa out of his order. The 270-pound Rayford became enraged and got stuck in the drive-thru window when he lunged at employees in an effort to retrieve the missing chalupa. The 14x46 inch window couldn't support his weight and collapsed, leaving Rayford hanging halfway inside. Employees retreated to the office and called police, who shockingly cited Rayford for disorderly conduct and having an open container of alcohol.2

This is the summary paragraph, where I'm supposed to tie all these stories together. But screw it. I just liked telling three awesome stories about drunk football players with the munchies. And it's my blog.

1. Three is enough. Three is the classic comedy number that makes everything funny. That's why there are Three Stooges.A

2. I would like to think that they read him his rights while he was still stuck in the window. It amuses me.

A. Well, that and Shemp sucked.AA

AA. Curly Joe, too.

Monday, June 7, 2010

The Truth Makes Baby Jesus Giggle And Then Spit Up A Little

On Thursday, I participated in a meme where I had to list seven facts about me - six truths and one lie. Eight of you hazarded a guess as to which was the lie. ONE stands alone as the winner! Let's go down the list, shall we?

1. A flag has been flown over the U.S. Capitol Building in my honor.
Tammy, S&C, and Girl Interrupted all guessed #1. All were wrong! I am an Eagle Scout, and back in the day one of the perks was receiving a flag flown over the Big Nip to mark the occasion. Sadly, it's not such a special thing anymore. These days, any citizen can order one from your Senator or Representative. (But you'll have to pay for it!)

2. I have performed karaoke exactly once, and I won that evening's contest.
Zibbs, Gwen, 180/360 and Blogless Rebecca all guessed #2. All were wrong! One year for Halloween, I dressed as a member of Devo, complete with red flowerpot hat and whip. The bar we went to happened to have karaoke, and the host pleaded with me to sing "Whip It". After five or six beers and two hours of relentless needling, I succumbed. I rocked it out, whipped everything in sight, and won Eagles tickets. Sweet.

3. I have been proposed to. (Yes, by a girl. Jerks.)
Trinity wins! He was the only person to guess correctly. I remain un-proposed to, even by Gwen. I think she thought I said "propositioned".

4. My only D in school was in Algebra I.
True. My parents were so shocked I didn't even get in trouble. I think it might be partly because they laughed when I called the algebra teacher a goober.

5. I have played catch with Kevin Costner on more than one occasion.
True. I worked on one of the good movies he made.

6. My mother once told me I got laid off from my job because I skipped church.
True. First thing out of her mouth after I told her I was laid off. It's still the worst thing she's ever said to me.

7. I've seen a doctor three times in the last 12 years.
True. It's hard to go to the doctor when you don't have insurance. Not because it's too expensive, but because if they find anything it will never be covered.

Thanks for playing, and congrats to Trinity!

Friday, June 4, 2010

Rocking For The Weekend: Def Leppard

I was inspired to post this song by a blogger who shall remain nameless. Said blogger had a bit of fun at my expense for being an unabashed, unironic fan of Def Leppard. I have no choice but to retort by posting "Pour Some Sugar On Me". It is not only a definitive Friday song, but also the best stripping song ever recorded (take that, Motley Crue!) and proof that lyrics mean absolutely nothing. This song is completely unintelligible (a Def Leppard trademark). I defy any group of distinguished linguists, cultural anthropologists, or even ecclesiastical scholars to divine any meaning whatsoever in the song. It's just ear candy, and it does not suffer in the least for it.

I've always thought that Def Leppard was unfairly ghettoized by the term "hair metal". Their songwriting, chops and vocal harmonies always put them well ahead of contemporaries like the aformentioned Crue, Poison, Bon Jovi, Skid Row, Warrant and the like. I see Def Leppard more as the descendants of glam rock bands like Mott The Hoople, T. Rex and especially Queen. If you listen to their music with 2010 ears, you might be surprised at the level of pop songcraft present.

Rumor has it (I refuse to consider anything broadcast by VH-1 more reliable than rumor) that the album Hysteria was completed but that the record company wanted one more song. Uberproducer Mutt Lange heard lead singer Joe Elliott noodling on an acoustic guitar and his ears pricked up. Elliott said that it was just a little unfinished riff he was playing with, and Lange insisted that the band flesh it out. Shortly afterward, "Pour Some Sugar On Me" was added to the album just before it shipped. Hysteria was initially a disappointing failure, leaving the band nearly bankrupt. Then "Pour Some Sugar On Me" was released as a single, and it ignited sales of the album, which went on to dominate the summer and fall of 1988 in a way that rock records simply can't do anymore.

But enough babbling. Enjoy the song and enjoy the weekend :)

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Lies Make Baby Jesus Cry (But He's Not Here)

I have been bestowed with an award by the delightful-and-soon-to-be-wed Cora of Love Letters By Cora! And just in time for my blog, which teeters on life support. This award includes a meme in which I am asked to become a filthy liar. This is not a stretch, as anyone who reads my blog can attest. Behold the Creative Writer Blogger Award!

This is not just a ceremonial position. I must do the following:

•Express gratitude to the blogger who bestowed the award unto you.
(see above)

•Display the picture on your blog proudly.
(see to the right)

•Be nice and provide a link to the person who gave it to you.
Love Letters By Cora

•Tell up to 6 outrageous lies about yourself, and at least 1 outrageous truth, or switch it around and tell 6 outrageous truths and 1 outrageous lie.
I'm going to go with the 6 truths and 1 lie:

1. A flag has been flown over the U.S. Capitol Building in my honor.
2. I have performed karaoke exactly once, and I won that evening's contest.
3. I have been proposed to. (Yes, by a girl. Jerks.)
4. My only D in school was in Algebra I.
5. I have played catch with Kevin Costner on more than one occasion.
6. My mother once told me I got laid off from my job because I skipped church.
7. I've seen a doctor three times in the last 12 years.

•Nominate 7 creative writers who might be into doing this.
•Post links to the seven blogs you nominate and let the owners of those blogs know.

Honestly, I'm not big on sending other blogs memes. But since there are a few blogs I enjoy that have been slacking even more than I have, I will tag them in a show of tough love. I hereby tag:

Falwless at Lots Better Then Your Blog
Girl Interrupted at A World So Small
The Imaginary Reviewer at The Imaginary Review

Get cracking, you three! And the rest of you...guess my lie!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Fun With Camera Phones: Amish Edition

I would love to have been a fly on the wall when Joey and Sassie debated what they wanted to do for their Rumspringa and came up with...Shakey's. Not Disneyland? Not the beach? Not Hollywood? Not smoking cigarettes behind Jumbo's Clown Room? Not even...a bar? SHAKEY'S?

FRIENDS: "So tell us about the outside world!"

JOEY: "It's filled with balloons and pepperoni pizza and the wings of chickens covered in a sauce more fiery than Satan's lair itself!"

SASSIE: "And unlimited refills of Coke!"

I am certain Joey and Sassie will remain in the Amish community.

The fact that Shakey's misspelled "Rumspringa" just adds the perfect touch of pathos.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Rocking For The Weekend: The Muppets

Okay, so this isn't technically "rocking". But it's Memorial Day Weekend! And who better to help us observe this holiday than my favorite Muppet, that glowering patriot, Sam the Eagle. Please join Sam and the rest of the Muppets in a rousing rendition of "Stars And Stripes Forever", and enjoy your holiday weekend!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Fun With Camera Phones: Loss Prevention

I wonder if they had this problem when they were making Charlie And The Chocolate Factory.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Rocking For The Weekend: Boston

Thank God for Rocking For The Weekend. If it weren't for this feature, WWW might conceivably go a month without a post. (Pause for hopeful sighs.) For better or for worse, today you get a post. And what performer is good enough to break a two-week dry spell you ask? Boston!

Boston was one of my favorite bands in high school, and they remain a fond favorite today. I was digging through some old CDs this week and came upon Boston's skimpy discography. If you like good-time rock and roll with thundering guitar, hand claps, soaring harmonies, and the occasional massive pipe organ, you like Boston. And I defy you not to like "Feelin' Satisfied", an exuberant ode to live concerts. There's so much joy in this song that it's perfect for Friday. Enjoy!

Some interesting Boston trivia:

* Founder and guitarist Tom Scholz holds an MS in mechanical engineering from MIT and worked at Polaroid on the team that developed the Polaroid Instant Camera. Then he decided to rock.

* Scholz also invented and marketed the Rockman, a popular analog guitar effects unit designed to produce the Boston guitar sound. It was embraced by Steve Stevens (Billy Idol), Neal Schon (Journey), Billy Gibbons (ZZ Top), and Steve Clark and Phil Collen (Def Leppard).

* Boston's self-titled debut album, released in 1976, sold 17 million copies and was the biggest selling debut album in history until it was surpassed by Guns N' Roses' Appetite For Destruction in 1988.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Rocking For The Weekend: Soul Asylum

It's Friday again already. Yet at the same time, this week has constantly reminded me of W.C. Fields' famous (if unstubstantiated) quote regarding my hometown. "Philadelphia, wonderful town. I spent a week there one night." This week cannot end soon enough.

To help us all get there just a little quicker, here is Soul Asylum's "Somebody To Shove". I heard lead singer Dave Pirner guesting on another song this week and immediately had the urge to listen to this song again. For the youngsters out there, Soul Asylum was one of the endless parade of 90s bands that were vaguely influenced by grunge but mostly just made forgettable guitar rock. You may (or more likely may not) remember such examples as the Gin Blossoms, Better Than Ezra, Collective Soul and Counting Crows.1

Anyway, much like a thousand monkeys banging away at a thousand typewriters will eventually write "Hamlet", I firmly believe every band that achieves a modicum of success has at least one truly great song.2 And this is Soul Asylum's truly great song. I think it's about inertia and sometimes needing a kick in the ass to jolt you out of apathy. But I have been known to get song meanings completely wrong. Mostly I just like it because it rocks. Enjoy!

1. I know that Counting Crows don't exactly fit this category. But I can't resist any opportunity to take a shot at them for sucking so hard.

2. Yes, even Counting Crows. See "Mr. Jones".

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Yes, We Have No Hot Water

Gather 'round, my readers, and I will tell you a tale! A tale of incompetence, broken promises, chicanery and unpleasant odors!

Several times during the month of April, my apartment building was without hot water. At least three times I had to go to work with an unsatisfying cold shower. When this happened, I simply washed my hair, face, pits and undercarriage to avoid freezing my nuts off. Apparently (and much to my dismay) the resistance to extreme temperatures forged by years of 8am outdoor swim practices had forsaken me. After several complaints (including one by me) the management finally responded in the form of this letter given to all tenants:

I suppose $200 is a nice gesture. But long does it take to purchase and install a water heater? And what kind of new hot water heater would require a permit that takes more than a week to secure? We're not installing a hot tub time machine here. (Although that would rule.) About a week and a half after the previous letter, the following was posted in the building elevator:

TWO FULL DAYS to install a hot water heater? This means I'm assured of at least one more arctic shower on Wednesday morning. At this point, I'm becoming curious to see this monstrosity. Upon further reflection, I decided that if the management hired people with the skill level of the usual "handyman" or "plumber" sent to make repairs to my apartment, then it would take the same number of men to install this water heater as it took to erect the Great Pyramids. Honestly. I have a metal transition over the line where my kitchen tile meets my carpet, and after nearly three years they STILL can't secure it tightly.

So Tuesday morning comes, and cognizant of the 8am deadline, I get into the shower just before 7:30am. After I'm thoroughly wet but not yet soapy (I'll give the ladies a moment here to imagine me getting soapy in the shower. La la la. We all good? Okay, let's move on.) the water turns ice fucking cold. A half hour early. I used my anger to quickly wash before the heat on my skin totally dissipated and on the way to work I decided that the letter posted in the elevator needed to be tightened up just a bit:

Of course, this meant that I'd have cold showers on TWO consecutive days. Simply unacceptable. Not, however, as unacceptable as what I saw in the elevator upon my return home on Tuesday night:

THREE days to install the hot water heater? THREE mornings with no hot shower? That's not just unacceptable, it's comical. Screw the people in Darfur. I want Sally Struthers and Bono here with barrels of hot water ASAP! And fancy soaps! The kind that smell like grandma's perfume!

Even as beloved a personage as myself cannot arrive at work with three days of stank on me. A solution needed to be found. And lo, it was. As it happens, I live two blocks away from a 24 Hour Fitness location. Gyms have showers. Hot showers. And they frequently offer free trials. A quick visit to the 24 Hour Fitness website confirmed that I could secure a free 7-day pass. Thursday morning I hustled over to the gym and sincerely expressed my interest in a new and healthier lifestyle. I dutifully endured the 30 minute tour/hardcore sales pitch and said that I would certainly think about it. Trainer Kristen shook my hand and told me to enjoy the gym and speak to her on the way out about my experience. I made an immediate beeline for the showers. I quickly undressed, anticipating this shower more than about half of the Christmas mornings in my lifetime. I hit the stall, cranked the dial toward "hot", and reveled in the...ICE COLD water. NO. NO, GODDAMMIT. NOT HERE TOO!

After about two minutes of filthy language and frantic gesticulation, I realized that the "hot" and "cold" ends of the shower dial were incorrectly marked. "Cold" was "hot". Soon, hot steaming water, sweeter than milk and honey, flowed over my stinky skin. The feeling of relief was like that of an orgasm or a massive crap. After twenty thoroughly satisfying minutes, I dressed and snuck past Trainer Kristen to make my escape.

The hot water in the building indeed came back on Thursday night. Ingenuity had seen me through these dark hours. And I will be reminded of my experience for years to come, when a representative from 24 Hour Fitness calls every 8 hours until the Sun's explosion into a supernova reduces the Earth to a cinder.

Monday, May 3, 2010

The G-Chat Diaries, Vol. 12

In a departure from previous installments of The G-Chat Diaries, I have redacted several statements from Chatter X to preserve the tattered remains of his/her reputation. If you would like to be featured in a future installment, just hit up WWW via the Plugoo chat application over there on the right!

Chatter X
: I'm talking to you from an unsecured wireless that bad? Can people see this?

WWW: No it just means there's no password for the network.

Chatter X: I'm totally stealing someone's internet.

Chatter X: So they can't see what I'm doing?

WWW: Nope.

Chatter X: Unless they're some kind of brilliant hacker?

WWW: And also, if they cared.

Chatter X: Off to the porn sites! If my identity is stolen and my [Naughty!] are published somewhere, I'm killing you.

WWW: I'm okay with that.

Chatter X: Not afraid of death, eh?

WWW: We both know you're too lazy to travel 3,000 miles to kill anyone.

Chatter X: That's true.

Chatter X: Although, while I was there I could try to swing by that whatever festival to see [Shitty band Chatter X loves]. I get all the festivals confused.

Chatter X: It's not Bonnaroo.

Chatter X: Uhhh. [Expletive].

Chatter X: I hate when information falls out of my head.

WWW: Coachella?

Chatter X: YES

Chatter X: They're headlining Coachella this year.

WWW: Really?

Chatter X: Yes.

WWW: Was Jesus Jones unavailable?

Chatter X: [Shitty band Chatter X loves] is huge, what are you talking about?

WWW: Huge? Hmm. Moderately. Besides, I just don't like them at all. Despite the presence of [Chatter X’s stalkee].

Chatter X: Well, you're stupid.

Chatter X: That's my only retort.

WWW: It's an old reliable one.


WWW: I like pool!

Chatter X: I know, I was quoting Jeff Winger. Oh, how I wish full frontal was allowed on NBC.

Chatter X: I'm very curious to [Trust me, you're better not knowing] what Joel McHale is packing.

WWW: I should interject here, in case this ever becomes a Chatter X post, that we are speaking about an episode of the delightful NBC comedy Community, starring Joel McHale as wisecracking ex-lawyer turned community college student Jeff Winger.

Chatter X: That's true. You know, I have this theory that they sort of named Joel's character after Bill Murray's in Stripes.

Chatter X: John Winger / Jeff Winger. They're both charming, wisecracking smartasses.

WWW: Hmm. Not Kip Winger?

Chatter X: Nah, not enough hair (chest and head) for that. And he never pirouettes.

Chatter X: It can't be Debra Winger, because Joel's voice isn't deep enough.

WWW: I think we've exhausted pop culture Wingers.

Friday, April 30, 2010

Rocking For The Weekend: Brendan Benson

Hey kids, it's Friday! And that means one's time for Rocking For The Weekend! (Never mind that most of you will see this after you're already home from work, if not on Monday. I'm late, so sue me. I'm working nights this week.)

This week I'm featuring Brendan Benson. This is "A Whole Lot Better" from his latest album, My Old Familiar Friend. Most of you have probably never heard of him, but you've probably heard his music. This is because he moonlights as a member of Jack White's other band, The Raconteurs. Brendan's solo work is a little less rock, a little more pop. He would have been huge back in the day when people cared about the Billboard charts and the top spots were occupied by actual, you know, songs. But today, well-crafted catchy pop/rock is a niche genre, and Brendan is a niche performer. Hopefully, today his niche gets a little bigger. Enjoy!

Monday, April 19, 2010

Priorities. I Has Them.

While I enjoy the website Texts From Last Night, I never wish I was acquainted with any of the people who send texts in.

Until now.

Meet the future Mrs. WWW:

We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.

I only hope that (248) is the woman. (440) has a disturbing grasp of the use of apostrophes.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Rocking For The Weekend: The Heavy

I meant to start this feature again once I went back to work, but I slacked. For the uninitiated, Rocking For The Weekend is a Friday feature where I spotlight a song that has the exhilarating feeling you get while running out the door on a Friday after work. Since everyone (except BeckEye) knows I have outstanding taste in music, this should be fun!

This week I'm featuring The Heavy, a neo-soul group that also incorporate guitar rock, blues and a little dance into their mix. Even if you haven't heard of them, you've surely heard their song "How You Like Me Now?" from the Kia commercial with the mechanical bull-riding sock monkey and the giant red dildo.

If you want to see the actual music video, you can find it here. But I'm going to feature the spectacular live version from The Heavy's visit to Late Night with David Letterman in January. This performance is so good that when Dave comes out to say hi, he asks the band to keep playing the song. Which they do, to the audience's delight. Enjoy, and Happy Weekend!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Reasons To Hate The Movie Business, Vol. 1

In keeping with our desperation to find anything at all to post about, welcome to what will become a new running feature in WWW, "Reasons To Hate The Movie Business". As some of you know, I am a low-level functionary in film production. This makes me privy to a host of stories that make you question the basic decency and intelligence of humanity. Here is the first.

Yesterday, we held what is called a "show-and-tell"1 for [redacted], one of our studio executives. This is when the executive comes over and we show him character designs, storyboards, location photos, etc. for his perusal and approval before the movie begins production.

A few hours before the show-and-tell, [redacted]'s assistant called our production office with a request.

"Can you make sure that there are, like, interesting little things on the table to fidget with? [redacted] really likes to fidget with things while he's thinking. It helps his process."

- Fin -

1. Official movie lingo!

Monday, April 12, 2010

Fun With Camera Phones: Date Night

"Put on your fanciest halter top, baby! I'm taking you out for endless salad bar! And we are going in style."

Monday, March 29, 2010

Return To Sender Redux

In my last entry, I complained about charities that send you return address labels as a bribe for donations. Mostly I was annoyed because the Ziggy-themed labels themselves are embarrassing. Cora and Tales of a Well-Fed Graphic Designer (nice concise name there!) suggested I make the labels less embarrassing by vandalizing them. I thought it was such a good idea that I did just that. Behold my new labels, all of which I vow will be affixed to real mail.

Look out, Ziggy! It's a poorly drawn banana!

Admit it. You suspected as much.

For the Caddyshack fans. Which I sincerely hope are all of you.

Daisies ARE the most girlish flowers. Plus he can use the height boost.

Ziggy's pets all seem to have the same idea. Can't say I blame them.

The bird is right. I hope Ziggy doesn't wear out his Billy Ocean and Culture Club tapes.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Return To Sender

You know what I get in the mail? Trash.

Supermarket circular? Trash.

20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon? Trash.

Jury summons? Trash.

But I got a piece of mail recently that was more than trash. It was an affront to decency.

It was a plea from the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. I made a donation to them once, approximately 86 years ago. I'm pretty sure that's before lymphoma was even invented. In the intervening years, they have spent my entire donation sending me mailers soliciting further donation. The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, like many charities, includes return address labels in their mailings to guilt you into donating. However, they make the mistake of including "Ziggy" themed return address labels. Sending a letter with a "Ziggy" return address label is code for "My penis sued for emancipation and won." Consequently, I am not sure whether this is to be interpreted as a sarcastic and pointed gesture designed to punish me for not donating, or an ignorant yet sincere attempt to curry my favor. Either way, it is an unadulterated failure.

Regardless, the dilemma for me remains. Should I use these labels? To throw them away would be wasteful. However, to use them is to acknowledge that I enjoy cock. I am caught, much like the titular Ziggy frequently finds himself, between a rock and a hard place. I fear the answer is beyond my powers of deduction. However, one message shines brightly like a beacon amid the darkness - do not donate to charity.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Jesus Can Be So Preachy!

I had an odd dream the other night. I have odd dreams in general, so if a dream is odd to me then it is very odd indeed. I dreamed that Jesus kept jumping in my shit and making me feel guilty. Now, I know that Jesus is generally telling people to be kind to each other and to accept suffering with good humor and grace. But he was being such a dick about it.

I can't remember every detail with clarity, but the dream generally followed a specific pattern. I would complain about some minor inconvenience, and then Jesus would show up to remind me that he died pretty gruesomely on my behalf, and that it would be a good idea for me to stop being a baby and shut the fuck up.

Like, here's an example. I was in line at the DMV and they had forgotten my appointment. Naturally, I complained. Not only would I have to wait an hour in an uncomfortable plastic chair likely to injure my spine and make the left side of my body go numb, but the only reading material available would be a tattered copy of Woman's Day from March, 1993. And I already HAVE Phylicia Rashad's recipe for Cherries Jubilee! Anyway, as soon as I complained that the DMV forgot my appointment, out pops Jesus from behind a silk ficus like some kind of toga-wearing ninja. He comes up to me and holds out his bloody hands and says "I'm Jesus Christ." That's all he said, but his tone said a lot more. "I'm Jesus Christ. I got nailed to a goddamn (sorry, Dad!) piece of wood and had a sticker bush shoved on my head. I think you can sit in that chair for an hour without crying like a little bitch. Oh, and some tool jammed his sword through my ribs, too. I always forget that part. So yeah, long story short, suck it up."

I don't remember the complete details of the other scenarios, but they all went pretty much the same.

"Dammit, they're always out of Nacho Cheese Doritos. I hate Cool Ranch!"
(Bags of salty snacks part, revealing a bearded face) "I'm Jesus Christ."
"FUCK, dude. Can't you wear a bell or something?"

I try to be a good person! Really, I do. But the DMV sucks and Cool Ranch Doritos are gross. These things aren't my fault. Please stop haunting me, Mr. Jesus sir. Thank you.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

When Irish Eyes Are Popping

I feel I should make a post in honor of St. Patrick's Day, since I am 99 44/100% Irish. But I didn't want to talk about drinking, because I'd rather do it than say it. And I didn't want to talk about history, because that's a little too classy for my blog. So I'm going to talk about redheaded chicks!

I decided to tackle this topic1 because I was so infuriated by a sexy redhead list at celebrity site Wonderwall. Let's take a look at their "Top 12 Hottest Redheads", shall we?

12. Lindsay Lohan
Is this list from 2003?

11. Emma Stone
Never heard of her. Not that hot anyway.

10. Rupert Grint
This selection should be discussed on Really!?! With Seth & Amy.

9. Julianne Moore
A classic. I guess even a blind squirrel finds a nut now and then.

8. Conan O'Brien
I find women sexy for being funny, so I'll allow it. But he didn't get in on his looks.

7. Ann-Margret
No argument here. She banged Elvis.

6. Isla Fisher
Approved. They're on a mini-roll!

5. Nicole Kidman
See Lindsay Lohan.

4. Prince Harry
He's just Dewey from Malcolm In The Middle all grown up.

3. Rita Hayworth
If I think of you in black and white, you don't count.

2. Ewan McGregor
Um, he doesn't even have red hair.

1. Christina Hendricks
I've been wanting to get this off my chest2 for a while now. She's not that hot. I mean, if you saw her walking down the street then yeah, she's quite pretty. But she can't hang with hot movie stars. There, I said it.

Is it me, or does this list look more like "Let's Name 12 Random Redheads"? I was so angered by this abomination that I decided to make my own list. Feel free to heckle, criticize3 or suggest your own. Without further ado, let's see...

WWW's Top Ten Hot Redheads

10. Hayley Williams
Kinda young, but just adorable. I want to carry her around in a backpack.

9. Kari Byron
Sexy because in addition to being pretty, she can do science-y stuff.

8. Jenny Lewis
Like a real life Holly Hobbie. If Holly Hobbie had a foul mouth and a voice like Karen Carpenter.

7. Neko Case
Yes, another singer. Last one.

6. Bryce Dallas Howard
Yeah, I'll get some funny looks for this one. More Bryce for me!

5. Molly Ringwald
She made me a man sometime in the mid-80s. There couldn't be a list without her.

4. Alyson Hannigan
Starting to get down to brass tacks here. The top 5 are pretty interchangeable.

3. Megan Mullally
Yeah, she's 51. And I'll take her over two 25 1/2 year-olds any day. Probably the most blatantly carnal appeal of anyone on the list.

2. Amy Adams
Often compared to Isla Fisher. They don't compare to me.

1. Sara Rue
She's #1 as much to make up for NEVER appearing on these lists as she is for being a total babe. Gorgeous face, killer smile, great body. The total package. Also just got engaged. Damn you, Sara Rue!

1. That's what she said!

2. Huh huh. I said "chest".

3. I am waiting for the ladies of Gingers Is The Watchword to murder me in my sleep for what I said about Christina Hendricks.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Rodney Wins The Internet

The internet is one of the most amazing technological advances since crusty French bread1. This is an indisputable fact. But people disagree on what this marvel's most appropriate use is. Some say instant news. Some say personal expression. Some say porn. They're all wrong2.

The best use of the internet is, of course, the multi-platform explosion of meaningless pop culture phenomena. Taking a simple event or idea and completely blowing it out of proportion with hilarious results. Early examples were the lolcat, the inexplicable popularity of David Hasselhoff, and plump, naked breasts.

However, my favorite is the recent career explosion of Rodney Stanger. You may remember Rodney as the hamster falsely accused of kidnapping and murder that landed at #1 in my Best Whatever Of 2009 list3. Rodney has rebounded nicely
from that fiasco and appears to be more
popular than ever. The industrious little hamster has his own
Facebook page, and you can even follow him on Twitter!

I'm not sure what Rodney does for a living, although judging by the clapboard he is always toting around, I imagine he works in film production. Whatever it is that Rodney wants to pursue, I'm sure his recent visibility (including last week's visit to The Late Show with David Letterman) will prove beneficial to his prospects.

I salute you, Rodney Stanger. Many hamsters would respond to such adversity by hiding away in a local celebrity's ass. But you put yourself right back out there and made lemonade out of lemons. You are an inspiration to all who find themselves pilloried in the public eye through no fault of their own. God bless you and keep you.

1. Which is way better than sliced bread. Sliced bread must have dirty pictures of someone.

2. Except maybe the people who say "porn".

3. I hereby claim full credit for Rodney's newfound celebrity.

Friday, March 5, 2010

I Will Gamble On Anything

The Academy Awards are this Sunday, and I hear that aside from making it difficult for me to drive in Hollywood for a whole goddamn week, these awards chiefly exist for gambling purposes. The Oscars are the gambling equivalent of the Super Bowl for hipsters who hate sports because they were never any good at them.

In keeping with this tradition, we here at WWW are offering a list of proposition bets for the Oscar telecast. Print it out and share with your friends or people you want to take money from. Enjoy!

Hosts Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin open the show with jokes about how inane and vapid Hollywood is, then proceed to unironically host three hours of inane and vapid festivities
ODDS: 1-5

Randy Newman zones out and performs one of his nominated songs from prior years and no one notices
ODDS: 3-2

James Cameron speaks in N'avi during an acceptance speech

A nerd watching from a basement in Racine, Wisconsin corrects Cameron's grammar
ODDS: 5-2

Best Actor nominee Jeremy Renner wins, and in his excitement, tongue kisses presenter Whoopi Goldberg
ODDS: 103-1

Host Steve Martin makes a joke about Jack Nicholson's age and the camera shows Jack in sunglasses pretending to make the "I'll kick your ass later" gesture
ODDS: 1-3

Nicholson actually kicks Martin's ass outside after the show
ODDS: 17-1

The Price Waterhouse guys wear ill-fitting rental tuxedos OR flub their lines

A winner forgets to thank their spouse in an acceptance speech
ODDS: 4-1

The Dead People Montage is set to Michael Jackson's "You Are Not Alone"
ODDS: 3-1

The Dead People Montage is set to Patrick Swayze's "She's Like The Wind"
ODDS: 99-1

In his closing remarks Alec Baldwin tells his daughter, "Okay, you little pig, you can go to bed now!"
ODDS: 6-1

Thursday, March 4, 2010

10,000 WWW Fans Can't Be Wrong

Sometime last night, some bored person in Fairfield, California who clicked a wrong link became the 10,000th visitor to this here blog! Big ups to the anonymous reader. If this were a supermarket, I'd give you a one-minute shopping spree and see how much you can cram in the cart. Unfortunately, this is a blog and it doesn't work like that.

Mr. or Mrs. or Miss or Ms. Fairfield found the blog by Googling the phrase "30 pounds overweight". I'm sure there is a message in that, but I can't hear it over the deafening sound of chewing my highly-sugared bowl of Cap'n Crunch.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010


We've had some laughs, but alas, it is finally time to choose a winner in WWW's Olympic Comment Contest. There were some hard chargers, but in the end there are only three medals to award. Let's see who stands atop the podium.

The bronze medal is awarded to Red of Gingers Is The Watchword. Not for any particular comment, but for her shameless whoring in an effort to win. Here at WWW, we respect competitiveness and ass-kissing. For her efforts, Red will receive this spiffy Certificate of Participation, suitable for framing.

The silver medal goes to BeckEye of The Pop Eye for her comment on the entry "Words On Assignment".

"Aren't all your former drunken hookups also relatives? Don't be redundant, dude."

BeckEye will receive a case of Turtle Wax and Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco Treat.

The gold medal, the chintzy Olympic souvenir, and our hearty congratulations go to none other than MJenks of Vita Brevis. MJenks' winning comment appeared in the entry "Olympic Joke-Off":

"In a bit of movie magic, we see both Heath Ledger AND the Joker showing off their silver medals."

MJenks managed to not only imply that innocent bystander/ice dancer Meryl Davis looked like a man, but also a facially maimed homicidal psychopathic man. I respect this. In hoc signo vinces, my good man! Email me your address and your prize is on its way!

Monday, March 1, 2010

A Town By Any Other Name Smells Just As Pungent

On the drive up to Vancouver, I saw this road sign and laughed my ass off. I made sure to be ready on the way back to capture it for your amusement. I know that California has some of the most lenient drug laws in the nation, but this was still shocking.

This also closes the book on my Olympic Comment Contest. The best comment on any of my Olympic entries up to and including this one wins a souvenir. The ladies especially are encouraged to give an effort - I have two different souvenirs depending on if a man or a woman wins, and to be honest the chick souvenir is WAY better. I'll pick a winner on Wednesday - stay tuned!

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Fun With Camera Phones: Vancouver Edition

At first I was alarmed that Mr. Tube Steak was selling his wares openly on the street. Then I remembered that Canada has a much more laid back attitude toward things like this. I must say, $6 for tube steak nestled in buns is a good deal in any country.

An ad featuring Tiger Woods and the words "Perfect Lies". Yeah, not so much apparently. Wordplay!

Olympic Joke-Off!

Viewers of Saturday Night Live are familiar with Weekend Update's "Joke-Off" bit where Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey used to read a news story and then take turns making rapid-fire jokes and trying to top each other. Here at WWW, we're going to try it all by ourselves. Let's see if we're funny enough for two!

Meryl Davis and Charlie White of the United States proudly show off their silver medals for Ice Dancing

Wow, look...

...Christopher Atkins and a chick from the "Black Hole Sun" video won a medal!

...Wooderson from Dazed and Confused and Janice from the Muppets won a medal!

...a guy that looks like Disco Stu if he was in Fraggle Rock and an avatar won a medal!

...a gap-toothed fat guy is making fun of other people's looks!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

This, I Don't Need

A few years ago, my ex-roommate Edie (she of fudge hole fame) introduced me to the concept of the Friend You Hate. According to Edie, everyone has one Friend You Hate. This is a person who is your friend, but you don't actually like them most of the time. If you met this person today, you would never be friends, but you've been friends so long that it doesn't matter.

Amanda is my Friend You Hate. She's the one I stayed with in Vancouver last week for the Olympics. She sealed her Friend You Hate status with the following stunt.

Two months ago, I bought tickets for Amanda and I to go to one of the medal ceremonies at the Olympics. She didn't care which night we went, so I chose a night where medals were being given out in a selection of events that I thought Americans might win. The goal being to experience one of those goosebump moments when you hear the national anthem and see the flag get raised.

Well, my prognosticating abilities proved dead-on-balls accurate. The day before the ceremony, four Americans earned medals to be awarded that night, including golds for Shaun White and Shani Davis. Upon learning this, Amanda confessed that she didn't feel like going. Being (through no fault of her own) Canadian , she felt like she wouldn't enjoy watching a bunch of Americans celebrating. She asked if my friend Liz would like to go in her place. Liz and I found out via Facebook that we were both in Vancouver and had hung out the previous day. This was one of the only things that Amanda and I were going to get to do together, so I asked her if she was sure. She said "let Liz know it's a possibility and that you'll let her know in the morning for sure." I said okay, and the next morning Amanda gave me the go ahead to give the ticket to Liz. Liz and I made plans to meet that night and that was that.

Or so I thought.

Three hours before Liz and I were to meet, Amanda called me. "I know I'm a horrible person, but I'm going to be selfish. A Canadian just won a gold medal to be awarded tonight, and I want my ticket back." Um, WHAT? Didn't I just take great pains to ask you if you were SURE? Amanda seemed to waver, and seemed like she wanted me to make her decision for her. "Am I being really rude?" I told her that yes, she was being really rude, but if she wanted it back I would ask for it. She told me to ask for it. I left a message for Liz apologizing profusely and telling her what happened. And that was that.

Or so I thought.

Fifteen minutes later, Amanda called again. "I feel terrible. Tell her she can have the ticket." And then immediately started wavering again. WHAT. THE. HELL. She clearly wanted me to tell her she wasn't being a jerk. I was not going to do that. You just made me tell this poor girl I was taking her ticket away and now you're jerking us around again? It takes a great deal for me to get angry and raise my voice. I did just that. I told Amanda that she wasn't getting another chance to change her mind. Liz hadn't called back, so I had to assume she was still going to meet me at the venue. I told Amanda I wasn't making Liz come all the way there to turn her away. She was getting the ticket.

Congratulations, Amanda. You are now my Friend You Hate.

And for the record, the ceremony DID cause goosebumps.

P.S. - my Olympic contest is still open. The best comment on any of my Olympic-themed entries (there will be at least one more after this) wins a souvenir I brought back from Vancouver. And trust me, it's awesome.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

A Tale of International Brotherhood, Stilts and Electrical Tape Pants

I witnessed a heartwarming scene here in Vancouver yesterday. Two exuberant young Canucks were parading through the streets with a giant Canadian flag in preparation for the first Team Canada hockey game an hour later.

Alas, nothing gold can stay. Before long our intrepid heroes were confronted by the Goliath to the South, their nemesis Uncle Sam himself! Just look at Uncle Sam's demeanor - he don't play. Some bad stuff was going to go down, my friends.

However, people began gathering around and taking pictures of these national symbols together. And instead of a Battle Royale, we got smiles and poses. Uncle Sam is even helping to hold up the Canadian flag. No one who witnessed this display of peace and brotherhood left unchanged.


Sunday, February 14, 2010

The Money Shot

Sometimes you have to pull over to the shoulder even when the signs say you're not supposed to and just admire nature. This is Mt. Shasta in northern California.

Click to enlarge

Saturday, February 13, 2010

The Hills Have Wangs

En route to Vancouver, I've stopped for the night in Red Bluff, California. Sounds pretty, right?


This little burg in the middle of nowhere is an episode of The Twilight Zone waiting to happen. For the last 45 minutes I drove in a dense, impenetrable and vaguely threatening fog. While getting settled in my room I heard the distinct sound of three gunshots not far away. And below, you'll see the access code for my hotel internet service.

In light of the fog and the gunshots, the code has me worrying what else this cursed town has in store for me. If I don't blog in several days, someone please notify the authorities. And a proctologist.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Words On Assignment

Words...words...words... is hitting the road!

I'll be leaving today on a road trip to the Winter Olympics in Vancouver. I made some friends when I worked there a few years ago, and it's time to cash in on some favors! I love the Olympics because it is one of the few times that jingoism and xenophobia are embraced. I'll be attending a USA hockey game and a medal ceremony, as well as taking in the sights, sounds and smells1 of the Games. Make sure you bang it here for daily updates on what really goes on2 at the Olympics.

In commemoration of this august publication's first attempt at reporting, there will be a contest! Whoever leaves the best comment on any of the Olympic entries will win a yet-to-be-determined souvenir trinket.3 Comments will be judged on humor, relevance and fawning. Relatives, employees and former drunken hookups of WWW, Inc. are not eligible to win.4 All entries become the property of WWW, Inc.

In other news, when I return from Vancouver, I will be coming back to a new job! Despite the fact that the film in question is certain to be a steaming pile, there is much rejoicing5 throughout the land.

1. Hopefully not the smells.

2. I desperately hope something interesting goes on now that my cheese is publicly in the wind.

3. WWW, Inc. makes no guarantee about the quality of the trinket, except that it will be cheap.

4. Unless we like you.

5. Spending.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

The G-Chat Diaries, Vol. 11

Chatter X: Sup

WWW: Well, I feel better today. But I also just spent $900 on my car.

Chatter X: I'm spending like $700 tomorrow!

WWW: What are you getting?

Chatter X: A new axle, brakes, and some other shit I wasn't listening to.

- FI...wait. Not fin.
Cut to one hour later, when Chatter X was informed of this honor.



WWW: I didn't even know you read my blog.

Chatter X: Every time I read one of those in your blog I'm like GOD DAMMIT. THIS ISN'T ANYTHING I HAVE SAID.


- FI...nope. Not just yet.
Cut to ten minutes after the above exchange.



Chatter X: UGH FINE. This better not be the last time I'm posted in one of these BTW. This better be the FIRST OF MANY.

Chatter X: MANY.

WWW: If you don't STFU it won't even be the first.

Chatter X:
Fine. LOVE YOU <3

- FIN -
(Yes, for real)