Friday, March 19, 2010

Jesus Can Be So Preachy!

I had an odd dream the other night. I have odd dreams in general, so if a dream is odd to me then it is very odd indeed. I dreamed that Jesus kept jumping in my shit and making me feel guilty. Now, I know that Jesus is generally telling people to be kind to each other and to accept suffering with good humor and grace. But he was being such a dick about it.

I can't remember every detail with clarity, but the dream generally followed a specific pattern. I would complain about some minor inconvenience, and then Jesus would show up to remind me that he died pretty gruesomely on my behalf, and that it would be a good idea for me to stop being a baby and shut the fuck up.

Like, here's an example. I was in line at the DMV and they had forgotten my appointment. Naturally, I complained. Not only would I have to wait an hour in an uncomfortable plastic chair likely to injure my spine and make the left side of my body go numb, but the only reading material available would be a tattered copy of Woman's Day from March, 1993. And I already HAVE Phylicia Rashad's recipe for Cherries Jubilee! Anyway, as soon as I complained that the DMV forgot my appointment, out pops Jesus from behind a silk ficus like some kind of toga-wearing ninja. He comes up to me and holds out his bloody hands and says "I'm Jesus Christ." That's all he said, but his tone said a lot more. "I'm Jesus Christ. I got nailed to a goddamn (sorry, Dad!) piece of wood and had a sticker bush shoved on my head. I think you can sit in that chair for an hour without crying like a little bitch. Oh, and some tool jammed his sword through my ribs, too. I always forget that part. So yeah, long story short, suck it up."

I don't remember the complete details of the other scenarios, but they all went pretty much the same.

"Dammit, they're always out of Nacho Cheese Doritos. I hate Cool Ranch!"
(Bags of salty snacks part, revealing a bearded face) "I'm Jesus Christ."
"FUCK, dude. Can't you wear a bell or something?"

I try to be a good person! Really, I do. But the DMV sucks and Cool Ranch Doritos are gross. These things aren't my fault. Please stop haunting me, Mr. Jesus sir. Thank you.

10 metawords:

Anonymous said...

I think this is my favourite entry of the week, anywhere. :)

Jesus sure puts a downer on your day sometimes. He dies ONE TIME and we have to hear about it for centuries.

Soda and Candy said...

You are so ungrateful!

Also, I loled at the idea of Jesus wearing a little bell.

In summary, we are both going to hell.

BeckEye said...

Wait. I thought your dream was gonna be about him literally jumping in your shit. That would have been hilarious. Like a Farrelly Brothers movie.

MJenks said...

I think Jesus would be a lot more accepted in several circles if he had more attitude.

Also, I like that He apologizes to his father for the whole name in vain thing.

Gwen said...

Don't forget the crown of thorns. Because, honestly, that had to be the worst part. So humiliating.

Cora said...

Baahahahahaha! And here I thought I was having weird dreams lately.

Suddenly those dreams of me speaking only in They Might Be Giants lyrics, and breaking into the zoo, and my mom urging people to throw rocks at me while I'm climbing the stairs seem soooooooo freaking normal.

You win.

Anonymous said...

I laughed so hard at this that I had a coughing fit. Then I started bitching about you trying to kill me, but Jesus didn't show up. I guess he must only like you.

Anonymous said...

Jesus always ends up pulling up his robe in my dreams. At least I know that if I end up in hell, I'll be grinding comfortably in His lap at the proverbial bar.

red said...

Dude, you are insane. Cool Ranch Doritos are delicious!

The Diva on a Diet said...

~gulp~ You're not having a "calling" are you?!