Monday, March 29, 2010

Return To Sender Redux

In my last entry, I complained about charities that send you return address labels as a bribe for donations. Mostly I was annoyed because the Ziggy-themed labels themselves are embarrassing. Cora and Tales of a Well-Fed Graphic Designer (nice concise name there!) suggested I make the labels less embarrassing by vandalizing them. I thought it was such a good idea that I did just that. Behold my new labels, all of which I vow will be affixed to real mail.

Look out, Ziggy! It's a poorly drawn banana!

Admit it. You suspected as much.

For the Caddyshack fans. Which I sincerely hope are all of you.

Daisies ARE the most girlish flowers. Plus he can use the height boost.

Ziggy's pets all seem to have the same idea. Can't say I blame them.

The bird is right. I hope Ziggy doesn't wear out his Billy Ocean and Culture Club tapes.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Return To Sender

You know what I get in the mail? Trash.

Supermarket circular? Trash.

20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon? Trash.

Jury summons? Trash.

But I got a piece of mail recently that was more than trash. It was an affront to decency.

It was a plea from the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. I made a donation to them once, approximately 86 years ago. I'm pretty sure that's before lymphoma was even invented. In the intervening years, they have spent my entire donation sending me mailers soliciting further donation. The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, like many charities, includes return address labels in their mailings to guilt you into donating. However, they make the mistake of including "Ziggy" themed return address labels. Sending a letter with a "Ziggy" return address label is code for "My penis sued for emancipation and won." Consequently, I am not sure whether this is to be interpreted as a sarcastic and pointed gesture designed to punish me for not donating, or an ignorant yet sincere attempt to curry my favor. Either way, it is an unadulterated failure.

Regardless, the dilemma for me remains. Should I use these labels? To throw them away would be wasteful. However, to use them is to acknowledge that I enjoy cock. I am caught, much like the titular Ziggy frequently finds himself, between a rock and a hard place. I fear the answer is beyond my powers of deduction. However, one message shines brightly like a beacon amid the darkness - do not donate to charity.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Jesus Can Be So Preachy!

I had an odd dream the other night. I have odd dreams in general, so if a dream is odd to me then it is very odd indeed. I dreamed that Jesus kept jumping in my shit and making me feel guilty. Now, I know that Jesus is generally telling people to be kind to each other and to accept suffering with good humor and grace. But he was being such a dick about it.

I can't remember every detail with clarity, but the dream generally followed a specific pattern. I would complain about some minor inconvenience, and then Jesus would show up to remind me that he died pretty gruesomely on my behalf, and that it would be a good idea for me to stop being a baby and shut the fuck up.

Like, here's an example. I was in line at the DMV and they had forgotten my appointment. Naturally, I complained. Not only would I have to wait an hour in an uncomfortable plastic chair likely to injure my spine and make the left side of my body go numb, but the only reading material available would be a tattered copy of Woman's Day from March, 1993. And I already HAVE Phylicia Rashad's recipe for Cherries Jubilee! Anyway, as soon as I complained that the DMV forgot my appointment, out pops Jesus from behind a silk ficus like some kind of toga-wearing ninja. He comes up to me and holds out his bloody hands and says "I'm Jesus Christ." That's all he said, but his tone said a lot more. "I'm Jesus Christ. I got nailed to a goddamn (sorry, Dad!) piece of wood and had a sticker bush shoved on my head. I think you can sit in that chair for an hour without crying like a little bitch. Oh, and some tool jammed his sword through my ribs, too. I always forget that part. So yeah, long story short, suck it up."

I don't remember the complete details of the other scenarios, but they all went pretty much the same.

"Dammit, they're always out of Nacho Cheese Doritos. I hate Cool Ranch!"
(Bags of salty snacks part, revealing a bearded face) "I'm Jesus Christ."
"FUCK, dude. Can't you wear a bell or something?"

I try to be a good person! Really, I do. But the DMV sucks and Cool Ranch Doritos are gross. These things aren't my fault. Please stop haunting me, Mr. Jesus sir. Thank you.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

When Irish Eyes Are Popping

I feel I should make a post in honor of St. Patrick's Day, since I am 99 44/100% Irish. But I didn't want to talk about drinking, because I'd rather do it than say it. And I didn't want to talk about history, because that's a little too classy for my blog. So I'm going to talk about redheaded chicks!

I decided to tackle this topic1 because I was so infuriated by a sexy redhead list at celebrity site Wonderwall. Let's take a look at their "Top 12 Hottest Redheads", shall we?

12. Lindsay Lohan
Is this list from 2003?

11. Emma Stone
Never heard of her. Not that hot anyway.

10. Rupert Grint
This selection should be discussed on Really!?! With Seth & Amy.

9. Julianne Moore
A classic. I guess even a blind squirrel finds a nut now and then.

8. Conan O'Brien
I find women sexy for being funny, so I'll allow it. But he didn't get in on his looks.

7. Ann-Margret
No argument here. She banged Elvis.

6. Isla Fisher
Approved. They're on a mini-roll!

5. Nicole Kidman
See Lindsay Lohan.

4. Prince Harry
He's just Dewey from Malcolm In The Middle all grown up.

3. Rita Hayworth
If I think of you in black and white, you don't count.

2. Ewan McGregor
Um, he doesn't even have red hair.

1. Christina Hendricks
I've been wanting to get this off my chest2 for a while now. She's not that hot. I mean, if you saw her walking down the street then yeah, she's quite pretty. But she can't hang with hot movie stars. There, I said it.

Is it me, or does this list look more like "Let's Name 12 Random Redheads"? I was so angered by this abomination that I decided to make my own list. Feel free to heckle, criticize3 or suggest your own. Without further ado, let's see...

WWW's Top Ten Hot Redheads

10. Hayley Williams
Kinda young, but just adorable. I want to carry her around in a backpack.

9. Kari Byron
Sexy because in addition to being pretty, she can do science-y stuff.

8. Jenny Lewis
Like a real life Holly Hobbie. If Holly Hobbie had a foul mouth and a voice like Karen Carpenter.

7. Neko Case
Yes, another singer. Last one.

6. Bryce Dallas Howard
Yeah, I'll get some funny looks for this one. More Bryce for me!

5. Molly Ringwald
She made me a man sometime in the mid-80s. There couldn't be a list without her.

4. Alyson Hannigan
Starting to get down to brass tacks here. The top 5 are pretty interchangeable.

3. Megan Mullally
Yeah, she's 51. And I'll take her over two 25 1/2 year-olds any day. Probably the most blatantly carnal appeal of anyone on the list.

2. Amy Adams
Often compared to Isla Fisher. They don't compare to me.

1. Sara Rue
She's #1 as much to make up for NEVER appearing on these lists as she is for being a total babe. Gorgeous face, killer smile, great body. The total package. Also just got engaged. Damn you, Sara Rue!

1. That's what she said!

2. Huh huh. I said "chest".

3. I am waiting for the ladies of Gingers Is The Watchword to murder me in my sleep for what I said about Christina Hendricks.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Rodney Wins The Internet

The internet is one of the most amazing technological advances since crusty French bread1. This is an indisputable fact. But people disagree on what this marvel's most appropriate use is. Some say instant news. Some say personal expression. Some say porn. They're all wrong2.

The best use of the internet is, of course, the multi-platform explosion of meaningless pop culture phenomena. Taking a simple event or idea and completely blowing it out of proportion with hilarious results. Early examples were the lolcat, the inexplicable popularity of David Hasselhoff, and plump, naked breasts.

However, my favorite is the recent career explosion of Rodney Stanger. You may remember Rodney as the hamster falsely accused of kidnapping and murder that landed at #1 in my Best Whatever Of 2009 list3. Rodney has rebounded nicely
from that fiasco and appears to be more
popular than ever. The industrious little hamster has his own
Facebook page, and you can even follow him on Twitter!

I'm not sure what Rodney does for a living, although judging by the clapboard he is always toting around, I imagine he works in film production. Whatever it is that Rodney wants to pursue, I'm sure his recent visibility (including last week's visit to The Late Show with David Letterman) will prove beneficial to his prospects.

I salute you, Rodney Stanger. Many hamsters would respond to such adversity by hiding away in a local celebrity's ass. But you put yourself right back out there and made lemonade out of lemons. You are an inspiration to all who find themselves pilloried in the public eye through no fault of their own. God bless you and keep you.

1. Which is way better than sliced bread. Sliced bread must have dirty pictures of someone.

2. Except maybe the people who say "porn".

3. I hereby claim full credit for Rodney's newfound celebrity.

Friday, March 5, 2010

I Will Gamble On Anything

The Academy Awards are this Sunday, and I hear that aside from making it difficult for me to drive in Hollywood for a whole goddamn week, these awards chiefly exist for gambling purposes. The Oscars are the gambling equivalent of the Super Bowl for hipsters who hate sports because they were never any good at them.

In keeping with this tradition, we here at WWW are offering a list of proposition bets for the Oscar telecast. Print it out and share with your friends or people you want to take money from. Enjoy!

Hosts Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin open the show with jokes about how inane and vapid Hollywood is, then proceed to unironically host three hours of inane and vapid festivities
ODDS: 1-5

Randy Newman zones out and performs one of his nominated songs from prior years and no one notices
ODDS: 3-2

James Cameron speaks in N'avi during an acceptance speech

A nerd watching from a basement in Racine, Wisconsin corrects Cameron's grammar
ODDS: 5-2

Best Actor nominee Jeremy Renner wins, and in his excitement, tongue kisses presenter Whoopi Goldberg
ODDS: 103-1

Host Steve Martin makes a joke about Jack Nicholson's age and the camera shows Jack in sunglasses pretending to make the "I'll kick your ass later" gesture
ODDS: 1-3

Nicholson actually kicks Martin's ass outside after the show
ODDS: 17-1

The Price Waterhouse guys wear ill-fitting rental tuxedos OR flub their lines

A winner forgets to thank their spouse in an acceptance speech
ODDS: 4-1

The Dead People Montage is set to Michael Jackson's "You Are Not Alone"
ODDS: 3-1

The Dead People Montage is set to Patrick Swayze's "She's Like The Wind"
ODDS: 99-1

In his closing remarks Alec Baldwin tells his daughter, "Okay, you little pig, you can go to bed now!"
ODDS: 6-1

Thursday, March 4, 2010

10,000 WWW Fans Can't Be Wrong

Sometime last night, some bored person in Fairfield, California who clicked a wrong link became the 10,000th visitor to this here blog! Big ups to the anonymous reader. If this were a supermarket, I'd give you a one-minute shopping spree and see how much you can cram in the cart. Unfortunately, this is a blog and it doesn't work like that.

Mr. or Mrs. or Miss or Ms. Fairfield found the blog by Googling the phrase "30 pounds overweight". I'm sure there is a message in that, but I can't hear it over the deafening sound of chewing my highly-sugared bowl of Cap'n Crunch.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010


We've had some laughs, but alas, it is finally time to choose a winner in WWW's Olympic Comment Contest. There were some hard chargers, but in the end there are only three medals to award. Let's see who stands atop the podium.

The bronze medal is awarded to Red of Gingers Is The Watchword. Not for any particular comment, but for her shameless whoring in an effort to win. Here at WWW, we respect competitiveness and ass-kissing. For her efforts, Red will receive this spiffy Certificate of Participation, suitable for framing.

The silver medal goes to BeckEye of The Pop Eye for her comment on the entry "Words On Assignment".

"Aren't all your former drunken hookups also relatives? Don't be redundant, dude."

BeckEye will receive a case of Turtle Wax and Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco Treat.

The gold medal, the chintzy Olympic souvenir, and our hearty congratulations go to none other than MJenks of Vita Brevis. MJenks' winning comment appeared in the entry "Olympic Joke-Off":

"In a bit of movie magic, we see both Heath Ledger AND the Joker showing off their silver medals."

MJenks managed to not only imply that innocent bystander/ice dancer Meryl Davis looked like a man, but also a facially maimed homicidal psychopathic man. I respect this. In hoc signo vinces, my good man! Email me your address and your prize is on its way!

Monday, March 1, 2010

A Town By Any Other Name Smells Just As Pungent

On the drive up to Vancouver, I saw this road sign and laughed my ass off. I made sure to be ready on the way back to capture it for your amusement. I know that California has some of the most lenient drug laws in the nation, but this was still shocking.

This also closes the book on my Olympic Comment Contest. The best comment on any of my Olympic entries up to and including this one wins a souvenir. The ladies especially are encouraged to give an effort - I have two different souvenirs depending on if a man or a woman wins, and to be honest the chick souvenir is WAY better. I'll pick a winner on Wednesday - stay tuned!