Monday, June 28, 2010

Let's Just Call It Smell You Later

Dear readers (and the rest of you too),

This blog used to be good. It's kind of lost its way over the last few months and it's now just an infrequent repository of (kickass) songs and lame half-posts. I'm struggling to find the time to write in it, and I shouldn't have to struggle only to post crap.

I think for this blog to be good again, it needs direction. I need to take some time and rethink what I want it to be. I'm sure some of what I usually do will survive to WWW 2.0, but not all of it. Hopefully I'll be back before too long.

Thank you all for following my blog. I love knowing that someone out there is reading what I write, and occasionally enjoying it. I hope that I can come back and better reward your effort. I'll continue to read all of you, so I'll be around.

Thanks :)


Friday, June 25, 2010

Rocking For The Weekend: Jellyfish

This week I bring you Jellyfish, a great 90s pop band that isn't half as well known as they should be. They made two albums and were gone as quickly as they came, but left behind this gem called "Baby's Coming Back". It was a minor hit in 1991, and it's a great introduction to Jellyfish's hooky, vaguely orchestral pop. I haven't made a list, but I'm pretty sure this would be in my top ten favorite songs. Enjoy the weekend! I might even get Sunday off and join you!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

That's Why He's The Master Of Horror

I was playing around with Photo Booth last night, and I had no idea how many effects it had or how specialized they were. Can you guys believe they have a "Stephen King" effect?

Friday, June 18, 2010

Rocking For The Weekend: Butch Walker

I first heard Butch Walker in the late 90s as the singer/songwriter/guitarist of kickass pop/punk band Marvelous 3. That band put out three fantastic albums and broke up in 2001, leading Walker to a new career as a songwriter/producer/svengali type. He's written and produced hits for such varied artists as Pete Yorn, Fall Out Boy, Avril Lavigne, All-American Rejects, Weezer, The Donnas, Hot Hot Heat, American Hi-Fi, and Dashboard Confessional, among others.

In addition to a career as a punkier Adam Schlesinger, Walker also continues to record his own albums. His solo music features the same catchy hook-laden pop rock as the Marvelous 3. Today's selection, "Bethamphetamine", comes from 2006's The Rise And Fall Of Butch Walker And The Let's-Go-Out-Tonites. Enjoy some fun rock and roll and enjoy your weekend!1

1. Even though I have to work. AGAIN.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

"Mahogany" Cards. Robert Horry.

Is it just me, or is the man in this Hallmark™ Mahogany card a dead ringer for NBA All-Star Robert Horry?

Do you think it's possible that Horry commissioned this lovely watercolor so that he might have a personalized card to send to family and friends? It would be most excellent for him to be able to go to the store and buy a card that was already pre-printed with his sentiments.

"Hello, dear friend or relative.

This is Robert Horry, and I am taking a moment from the time I set aside for looking pensive to wish you a happy birthday/graduation/wedding/baby/new job/bar mitzvah.

Best regards, seven time NBA champion Robert Horry.

P.S., thank you for your concerned inquiries, but no, I do not have vitiligo on my forearms."

I would like to think so. It amuses me.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Rocking For The Weekend: The Rolling Stones

In May, The Rolling Stones released a remastered version of Exile On Main Street, my #2 favorite album of all time. For some reason, I don't have my grubby little hands on it yet, but the news made me revisit this spectacular example of blues, juke joint boogie-woogie, and preening cocksurety.

Exile was recorded in the basement of Keith Richards' French hideaway during what approximated an extended house party. Guests came and went and took time out from frolicking to lay down a track or two. It all came together as a shambling, off the cuff masterpiece.

"Happy" is one of the few Stones songs that Richards sings lead vocals on. It lives up to its name, exuding joy at every turn. Consequently, it's long been a live staple for the Stones, and I hope you enjoy it today. Happy Weekend!1

1. Even though I don't get a weekend this week. Or next week. Grr.

Football, Chalupas, and Curly Joe

Seattle Seahawks rookie wide receiver Golden Tate was apprehended last weekend breaking into a local doughnut shop at 3am. Tate was drawn by the smell of freshly baked maple bars, which he ate several of before police arrived. According to the Associated Press, Tate called the incident a "foolish mistake", but also declared that "if you ever want maple bars, that's the place to go." Seahawks coach Pete Carroll told reporters that he had spoken to Tate about the issue. "That's definitely wrong. We've talked about it, addressed it. He's remorseful and all that." However, even Carroll seems to be under the spell of the delicious pastry, adding "I do understand the lure of the maple bars." WWW finds it hilarious that the shop victimized by Tate's 3am munchie run is called "Top Pot Doughnuts".

Tate's tale brought to mind other incidents involving football players who got in trouble with the law in pursuit of tasty treats. Yes, there are enough incidents to warrant a a blog post.1

Chad Kelsay, who played for the University of Nebraska and the Pittsburgh Steelers, was arrested in 2003 for eating off of other customers' plates at a Lincoln, Nebraska restaurant. By the time police arrived, Kelsay had moved on from pulling an Elaine Benes and was eating directly from the salsa bar. I am not making this up.

Both of these incidents are entertaining. But they simply cannot compare to the story of University of Kansas defensive end Dion Rayford. He was visiting a Taco Bell restaurant at 2am one night in 1999 when employees made the mistake of leaving a chalupa out of his order. The 270-pound Rayford became enraged and got stuck in the drive-thru window when he lunged at employees in an effort to retrieve the missing chalupa. The 14x46 inch window couldn't support his weight and collapsed, leaving Rayford hanging halfway inside. Employees retreated to the office and called police, who shockingly cited Rayford for disorderly conduct and having an open container of alcohol.2

This is the summary paragraph, where I'm supposed to tie all these stories together. But screw it. I just liked telling three awesome stories about drunk football players with the munchies. And it's my blog.

1. Three is enough. Three is the classic comedy number that makes everything funny. That's why there are Three Stooges.A

2. I would like to think that they read him his rights while he was still stuck in the window. It amuses me.

A. Well, that and Shemp sucked.AA

AA. Curly Joe, too.

Monday, June 7, 2010

The Truth Makes Baby Jesus Giggle And Then Spit Up A Little

On Thursday, I participated in a meme where I had to list seven facts about me - six truths and one lie. Eight of you hazarded a guess as to which was the lie. ONE stands alone as the winner! Let's go down the list, shall we?

1. A flag has been flown over the U.S. Capitol Building in my honor.
Tammy, S&C, and Girl Interrupted all guessed #1. All were wrong! I am an Eagle Scout, and back in the day one of the perks was receiving a flag flown over the Big Nip to mark the occasion. Sadly, it's not such a special thing anymore. These days, any citizen can order one from your Senator or Representative. (But you'll have to pay for it!)

2. I have performed karaoke exactly once, and I won that evening's contest.
Zibbs, Gwen, 180/360 and Blogless Rebecca all guessed #2. All were wrong! One year for Halloween, I dressed as a member of Devo, complete with red flowerpot hat and whip. The bar we went to happened to have karaoke, and the host pleaded with me to sing "Whip It". After five or six beers and two hours of relentless needling, I succumbed. I rocked it out, whipped everything in sight, and won Eagles tickets. Sweet.

3. I have been proposed to. (Yes, by a girl. Jerks.)
Trinity wins! He was the only person to guess correctly. I remain un-proposed to, even by Gwen. I think she thought I said "propositioned".

4. My only D in school was in Algebra I.
True. My parents were so shocked I didn't even get in trouble. I think it might be partly because they laughed when I called the algebra teacher a goober.

5. I have played catch with Kevin Costner on more than one occasion.
True. I worked on one of the good movies he made.

6. My mother once told me I got laid off from my job because I skipped church.
True. First thing out of her mouth after I told her I was laid off. It's still the worst thing she's ever said to me.

7. I've seen a doctor three times in the last 12 years.
True. It's hard to go to the doctor when you don't have insurance. Not because it's too expensive, but because if they find anything it will never be covered.

Thanks for playing, and congrats to Trinity!

Friday, June 4, 2010

Rocking For The Weekend: Def Leppard

I was inspired to post this song by a blogger who shall remain nameless. Said blogger had a bit of fun at my expense for being an unabashed, unironic fan of Def Leppard. I have no choice but to retort by posting "Pour Some Sugar On Me". It is not only a definitive Friday song, but also the best stripping song ever recorded (take that, Motley Crue!) and proof that lyrics mean absolutely nothing. This song is completely unintelligible (a Def Leppard trademark). I defy any group of distinguished linguists, cultural anthropologists, or even ecclesiastical scholars to divine any meaning whatsoever in the song. It's just ear candy, and it does not suffer in the least for it.

I've always thought that Def Leppard was unfairly ghettoized by the term "hair metal". Their songwriting, chops and vocal harmonies always put them well ahead of contemporaries like the aformentioned Crue, Poison, Bon Jovi, Skid Row, Warrant and the like. I see Def Leppard more as the descendants of glam rock bands like Mott The Hoople, T. Rex and especially Queen. If you listen to their music with 2010 ears, you might be surprised at the level of pop songcraft present.

Rumor has it (I refuse to consider anything broadcast by VH-1 more reliable than rumor) that the album Hysteria was completed but that the record company wanted one more song. Uberproducer Mutt Lange heard lead singer Joe Elliott noodling on an acoustic guitar and his ears pricked up. Elliott said that it was just a little unfinished riff he was playing with, and Lange insisted that the band flesh it out. Shortly afterward, "Pour Some Sugar On Me" was added to the album just before it shipped. Hysteria was initially a disappointing failure, leaving the band nearly bankrupt. Then "Pour Some Sugar On Me" was released as a single, and it ignited sales of the album, which went on to dominate the summer and fall of 1988 in a way that rock records simply can't do anymore.

But enough babbling. Enjoy the song and enjoy the weekend :)

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Lies Make Baby Jesus Cry (But He's Not Here)

I have been bestowed with an award by the delightful-and-soon-to-be-wed Cora of Love Letters By Cora! And just in time for my blog, which teeters on life support. This award includes a meme in which I am asked to become a filthy liar. This is not a stretch, as anyone who reads my blog can attest. Behold the Creative Writer Blogger Award!

This is not just a ceremonial position. I must do the following:

•Express gratitude to the blogger who bestowed the award unto you.
(see above)

•Display the picture on your blog proudly.
(see to the right)

•Be nice and provide a link to the person who gave it to you.
Love Letters By Cora

•Tell up to 6 outrageous lies about yourself, and at least 1 outrageous truth, or switch it around and tell 6 outrageous truths and 1 outrageous lie.
I'm going to go with the 6 truths and 1 lie:

1. A flag has been flown over the U.S. Capitol Building in my honor.
2. I have performed karaoke exactly once, and I won that evening's contest.
3. I have been proposed to. (Yes, by a girl. Jerks.)
4. My only D in school was in Algebra I.
5. I have played catch with Kevin Costner on more than one occasion.
6. My mother once told me I got laid off from my job because I skipped church.
7. I've seen a doctor three times in the last 12 years.

•Nominate 7 creative writers who might be into doing this.
•Post links to the seven blogs you nominate and let the owners of those blogs know.

Honestly, I'm not big on sending other blogs memes. But since there are a few blogs I enjoy that have been slacking even more than I have, I will tag them in a show of tough love. I hereby tag:

Falwless at Lots Better Then Your Blog
Girl Interrupted at A World So Small
The Imaginary Reviewer at The Imaginary Review

Get cracking, you three! And the rest of you...guess my lie!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Fun With Camera Phones: Amish Edition

I would love to have been a fly on the wall when Joey and Sassie debated what they wanted to do for their Rumspringa and came up with...Shakey's. Not Disneyland? Not the beach? Not Hollywood? Not smoking cigarettes behind Jumbo's Clown Room? Not even...a bar? SHAKEY'S?

FRIENDS: "So tell us about the outside world!"

JOEY: "It's filled with balloons and pepperoni pizza and the wings of chickens covered in a sauce more fiery than Satan's lair itself!"

SASSIE: "And unlimited refills of Coke!"

I am certain Joey and Sassie will remain in the Amish community.

The fact that Shakey's misspelled "Rumspringa" just adds the perfect touch of pathos.