Thursday, June 10, 2010

Football, Chalupas, and Curly Joe

Seattle Seahawks rookie wide receiver Golden Tate was apprehended last weekend breaking into a local doughnut shop at 3am. Tate was drawn by the smell of freshly baked maple bars, which he ate several of before police arrived. According to the Associated Press, Tate called the incident a "foolish mistake", but also declared that "if you ever want maple bars, that's the place to go." Seahawks coach Pete Carroll told reporters that he had spoken to Tate about the issue. "That's definitely wrong. We've talked about it, addressed it. He's remorseful and all that." However, even Carroll seems to be under the spell of the delicious pastry, adding "I do understand the lure of the maple bars." WWW finds it hilarious that the shop victimized by Tate's 3am munchie run is called "Top Pot Doughnuts".

Tate's tale brought to mind other incidents involving football players who got in trouble with the law in pursuit of tasty treats. Yes, there are enough incidents to warrant a a blog post.1

Chad Kelsay, who played for the University of Nebraska and the Pittsburgh Steelers, was arrested in 2003 for eating off of other customers' plates at a Lincoln, Nebraska restaurant. By the time police arrived, Kelsay had moved on from pulling an Elaine Benes and was eating directly from the salsa bar. I am not making this up.

Both of these incidents are entertaining. But they simply cannot compare to the story of University of Kansas defensive end Dion Rayford. He was visiting a Taco Bell restaurant at 2am one night in 1999 when employees made the mistake of leaving a chalupa out of his order. The 270-pound Rayford became enraged and got stuck in the drive-thru window when he lunged at employees in an effort to retrieve the missing chalupa. The 14x46 inch window couldn't support his weight and collapsed, leaving Rayford hanging halfway inside. Employees retreated to the office and called police, who shockingly cited Rayford for disorderly conduct and having an open container of alcohol.2

This is the summary paragraph, where I'm supposed to tie all these stories together. But screw it. I just liked telling three awesome stories about drunk football players with the munchies. And it's my blog.

1. Three is enough. Three is the classic comedy number that makes everything funny. That's why there are Three Stooges.A

2. I would like to think that they read him his rights while he was still stuck in the window. It amuses me.

A. Well, that and Shemp sucked.AA

AA. Curly Joe, too.

5 metawords:

Girl Interrupted said...

Doesn't it make you just wanna run out and start a charitable mission to help the poor, starving (American) football players?

No, me either ... I would like a Chalupa though, even though I have absolutely no idea what that might be.

Soda and Candy said...

Professional athletes don't seem to be familiar with the concept of self-control. What about that dude that shot himself in the leg? I think the alcohol-fuelled chalupa run is much more acceptable.

talesofawellfedgraphicdesigner said...

Ew, Top Pot doughnuts are nasty. I'd-rather-eat-Safeway-doughnuts nasty. I was very glad when Starbucks quit carrying those.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

See this is why athletes should never be allowed to go to college. They're clearly not college material. One, they can't tell that they can't fit their giant frame through a drive thru window and two, they like Taco Bell, for God's sakes.

Also? My friend called her nunu "curly joe". I didn't ask questions.

Cora said...

See, I wondered who would end up blogging about that first. Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner! Bravo, Sir. Bravo.