Friday, October 30, 2009

Here's a big fat slice of good old rock n' roll from The Pink Spiders called "Nobody Baby". The Pink Spiders are a glam rock/power pop band in the vein of Cheap Trick or T. Rex, but on this song they simply rock out. This is the perfect kind of song to end a rock show, but I hope it starts your weekend off with a bang!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

A Guide To The World Series

Lo, it is October and the World Series is upon us. This year's Fall Classic begins tonight. It matches the hubristic and morally bankrupt New York Yankees against my own hometown Philadelphia Phillies. Many of you in blogland are not sports fans, and so I have created a guide to help you decide who to throw your support behind. Let's have a look at some of the players, shall we?

Meet Yankees starting pitcher C.C. Sabathia. C.C. was suspended this year for hiding that giant hamburger under his hat. He also tried to eat teammate Joba Chamberlain.

Most people know this fellow, shortstop Derek Jeter. Derek enjoys visiting strip clubs and hanging baby kittens upside down until they cry.

Here is noted philanderer and Yankee Alex Rodriguez. Alex has dated Madonna and Kate Hudson, and apparently longs to make love to himself. Sadly, this photo is not manipulated in any way. Oh, and he also shot a dude.

Shown here is the Phillies' Gold Glove centerfielder Shane Victorino during a game this season in which he spied a baby falling from the stands. As usual, Shane made the catch with aplomb.

Relief pitcher and good neighbor Brad Lidge spent his offseason helping fans move. Lift with your legs, Brad!

Finally, as everyone knows by now, MVP slugger Ryan Howard singlehandedly apprehended Osama bin Laden while on a trip to Afghanistan to give food and medicine to orphans.

I hope this simple (and entirely objective) guide has helped you familiarize yourself with the teams and decide your rooting interests for this year's World Series. Play ball!

Friday, October 23, 2009

Rocking For The Weekend: U2

This week, I wanted to post a U2 song because I'm going to see them on Sunday. However, their catalog is not exactly full of fun, exuberant, bust-out-of-work-early-on-Friday tunes. I was going to give up until I remembered this little gem, "Lady With The Spinning Head". It's a B-side, but definitely an "A" song. It seems to foreshadow Pop, their foray into dance music, but the song was recorded during the sessions that led to Achtung Baby. It was ultimately broken up for parts like an old car and pieces of it wound up in other songs. The astute ear can hear parts of what became "The Fly" and "Ultraviolet". Have a great weekend!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

The G-Chat Diaries, Vol. 9

Chatter X: I got nothing.

WWW: I win!

Chatter X: you get a cookie!

WWW: Woo hoo! What kind?

Chatter X: Chocolate chip.

WWW: Mmmm. A classic.

Chatter X: It's the doggy style of cookies.

WWW: No, I think it's the missionary position of cookies.

Chatter X: Sugar cookies are the missionary.

WWW: Sandwich cookies are doggy style.

WWW: No, vanilla wafers are the missionary. Or maybe vanilla wafers are twin beds and frustrated masturbation.

Chatter X: Sandwich cookies aren't that satisfying. They're the quick hand job of cookies.

WWW: The doggy cookies should be fairly common but yet with a rep for being fancy and unusual. Maybe Fig Newtons.

Chatter X: Shortbread?

WWW: Oh, that's not bad. But with the English connotation, maybe they should be the London Bridge of cookies.

WWW: I’ve got it…doggy is Pepperidge Farm cookies.

Chatter X: MILANO!!!

Chatter X: Is a London Bridge like an Eiffel Tower?

WWW: I don't know what an Eiffel Tower is.

Chatter X: To the Urban Dictionary!

WWW: A London Bridge is two girls straddling a dude, one on his cock and one on his face, while they make out.

WWW: I bet an Eiffel Tower is the same thing but with three dudes.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Rocking For The Weekend: Tinted Windows

Today I bring you "Kind Of A Girl" by Tinted Windows. The band is a power pop supergroup made up of Taylor Hanson (Hanson), Adam Schlesinger (Fountains of Wayne), James Iha (Smashing Pumpkins), and Bun E. Carlos (Cheap Trick).

Adam Schlesinger is one of the best pop/rock songwriters of the last 20 years, and this is right up there with his best. If you don't hear this song and want to pull off your tie and run out the door into the Friday sunshine, I don't want to know you.

Enjoy and have a great weekend!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Never Trust Anyone Over 30 Pounds Overweight

Ben & Jerry's will not leave me the hell alone. You may recall this entry, in which I related the tale of how Ben and Jerry stole my idea for an ice cream flavor. To recap for those of you too lazy to follow the link, I entered a Ben & Jerry's contest to invent a new holiday flavor. I didn't win, but my exact flavor showed up on store shelves that Christmas under the name "Festivus". Well, they're up to their old hippie tricks again.

Now they have
re-released MY flavor under a new name, Gingersnap. Apparently the strongly-worded letter I detailed in the previous entry had no effect. The problem is, I cannot think of a way to word my distaste any more strongly. What should I say to them this time? I know some of you people have even filthier mouths than I do. It is your time to shine.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

The G-Chat Diaries, Vol. 9

Chatter X: Fun fact: I just had to correct the spelling of “Boyz II Men” in someone's essay.

WWW: Awesome. Did you have to correct it because they spelled it...correctly?

Chatter X: Hee, you guessed it!

WWW: I hope they even used the word "to" instead of II.

Chatter X: They did! "Boys To Men".

WWW: That makes it even better.

Chatter X: It's fun to be the 30-something teacher correcting the whacked-out spelling of an R&B artist's name.

WWW: Oh, the irony. I think you just made it into the G-Chat Diaries.

Chatter X: w00t!

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Counterfactual Football

It is a well-established fact that Blogland is deserted on the weekends, so I am going to take this opportunity to slip a football-related post under the radar. Not only a football-related post, but a post that requires you to be insanely into football to appreciate. In other words, I should have just emailed it to MJenks.

I was talking with a friend about the recent signing of Michael Crabtree by the San Francisco 49ers. Crabtree was the last draft pick to sign, waiting until four games into the season to realize that he can't make any money until he signs a contract. I said that I thought Crabtree's attitude and long holdout would make him a bust. My friend, who is a Raider fan (poor guy) agreed and hilariously added that the Raiders would find a way to give the New England Patriots their first round pick for him. I decided to try to figure out a way that this could be possible, despite the fact that the Patriots are not involved in these events at all. This is what I came up with:

1. Crabtree is a bust and the 49ers cut him after the 2011 season because they can't find a trade partner.

2. Several teams show mild interest, but a humbled Crabtree chooses the Patriots and their offer of the league minimum for the chance to be Bill Belichick's next reclamation project and to catch passes from Tom Brady in the twilight of his career.

3. The Patriots showcase Crabtree in several preseason games, forcing him the ball in the second half against soon-to-be-unemployed defenders. "Unnamed sources" whisper that the team is high on him and he is expected to start.

4. Hearing the rumor, the Raiders offer their first round pick in 2013 and undrafted rookie wide receiver Alan Smithee for Crabtree. The Patriots "grudgingly" accept.

5. The cryogenically frozen head of Al Davis declares a new age of vertical offense in Oakland, built around the talents of Crabtree and rookie QB Ken Stabler, Jr. Davis' head refers to the Raiders as "an elite NFL franchise" six times in the four-minute press conference.

6. The Raiders start the 2012 season 0-6. Crabtree and offensive coordinator Art Shell (on his fourth tour of duty) get into a shoving match on the sideline during a 37-6 loss to the Chiefs.

7. The Raiders collapse and finish 3-13, securing the first pick in the 2013 draft...for the Patriots. Meanwhile, in New England, Alan Smithee catches 89 passes and wins the Offensive Rookie Of The Year award.

8. The Patriots make 17 trades on draft day, eventually parlaying the #1 pick and some spare parts into the entire third round of the draft.

Go on, tell me it's that unreasonable.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Rocking For The Weekend: Bobby Patterson

Bobby Patterson will kick your ass. I'm a big soul fan, and "T.C.B. Or T.Y.A." is one of my favorite soul songs of all time. Listen to this song and you'll be ready to mix it up on Friday night. You also won't take any guff from your man or woman, as the case may be. Have a great weekend!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Fun With Camera Phones, Vol. 2

After ten years of using, watching and dodging golf carts at work, I finally encountered the Holy Grail of cart-related buffoonery - a car vs. golf cart accident!

Someone I work with was pulling into their parking spot on the lot when a golf cart screamed around a corner like it was 11:58 and they were trying to return a movie to Blockbuster.1 The path of the cart was perpendicular to the car, so the cart had to swerve to avoid T-boning it. Swerve it did...right into a concrete wall. We heard it immediately from our office, and rushed out expecting to see two crumpled cars. Instead we saw a golf cart against the wall with the windshield in pieces on the ground and the driver looking spooked and sheepish, which is a really difficult combination of looks to pull off. Curiously, he didn't drive off in the cart. He put the broken pieces of windshield in the bed and wandered off without it. I hope he didn't think he was going to get away with it, because eventually someone was going to wonder where the golf cart went.

The silver car in the foreground is the car that almost got hit.
In the bed you can see the broken windshield, and in the
back you can see building 732, where I work.

I'm actually surprised I haven't seen this before. Golf carts at movie studios are used about 50% for legitimate work and 50% for tomfoolery. Kind of like the cop car in Superbad. People take corners on two wheels, people race them2, and if you happen to work at Universal people drive up to the road used for the studio tour and buzz trams full of tourists. It's pretty fun - if you wave at one of the trams, everyone will whisper, point and take photos while trying to figure out if you're famous. Unless you crash while they're watching. Then they probably just point and laugh.

On the wall you can see the mark the tire made
when the cart slammed into it.

1. I used to be a Blockbuster manager, and I saw more reckless driving there between 11:55 and midnight than I've seen the whole rest of my life combined.

2. It's especially fun to race them at the studio I work for now. Most places put something called a "governor" on the carts to restrict their speed, but my current place of employment does not. So it's likely that the moron in this case was going upwards of 20 miles per hour.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Rocking For The Weekend: The Hold Steady

I'm going to send you off this Friday with a truly rocking song from The Hold Steady, "Constructive Summer". If you ever thought Springsteen was cool but wished he cranked it up to 11, this is the band for you. They're phenomenal live, so go see them and then buy all their records. No pressure. Enjoy the weekend!