The Academy Awards are this Sunday, and I hear that aside from making it difficult for me to drive in Hollywood for a whole goddamn week, these awards chiefly exist for gambling purposes. The Oscars are the gambling equivalent of the Super Bowl for hipsters who hate sports because they were never any good at them.
In keeping with this tradition, we here at WWW are offering a list of proposition bets for the Oscar telecast. Print it out and share with your friends or people you want to take money from. Enjoy!
Hosts Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin open the show with jokes about how inane and vapid Hollywood is, then proceed to unironically host three hours of inane and vapid festivities
Randy Newman zones out and performs one of his nominated songs from prior years and no one notices
James Cameron speaks in N'avi during an acceptance speech
A nerd watching from a basement in Racine, Wisconsin corrects Cameron's grammar
Best Actor nominee Jeremy Renner wins, and in his excitement, tongue kisses presenter Whoopi Goldberg
Host Steve Martin makes a joke about Jack Nicholson's age and the camera shows Jack in sunglasses pretending to make the "I'll kick your ass later" gesture
Nicholson actually kicks Martin's ass outside after the show
The Price Waterhouse guys wear ill-fitting rental tuxedos OR flub their lines
ODDS: OFF THE BOARD
A winner forgets to thank their spouse in an acceptance speech
The Dead People Montage is set to Michael Jackson's "You Are Not Alone"
The Dead People Montage is set to Patrick Swayze's "She's Like The Wind"
In his closing remarks Alec Baldwin tells his daughter, "Okay, you little pig, you can go to bed now!"