tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44570929793921427082024-03-13T05:11:28.166-07:00words...words...words...words...words...words...http://www.blogger.com/profile/02441563723665841808noreply@blogger.comBlogger237125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457092979392142708.post-26689696118645922532014-12-25T04:04:00.005-08:002014-12-25T04:04:55.441-08:00"Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer": A Deconstruction<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">It's a Christmas classic. But upon listening to "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" with adult ears, I have some questions.</span><br />
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1. "She'd been drinking too much eggnog and we begged her not to go.
But she forgot her medication, and she staggered out the door into the
snow."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> Oh, you begged her not to go? You bunch of noble knights.
You live close enough to Grandma that she, an old woman, can walk it -
and nobody walks her home? Who ARE you people? Not to mention the fact
that the<span class="text_exposed_show">re is a Grandpa is mentioned in the song. Why was he staying and letting his elderly wife walk home in the snow?</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> 2. "Should we open up her gifts or send them back?"</span><br />
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There are two ways to interpret this, and I must say that I don't care
for either of them. One, you could be debating between sending her gifts
back to the people who sent them and opening them up anyway. What use
do you people have for gifts Grandma would receive? Is one of you short a
Yankee Candle or a child's handmade shawl? Second, you could be
debating between opening up the gifts or sending them back to the store
for the refund. Grandma's death + gifts = profit??</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> 3. "Now the goose is on the table, and the pudding made of figs."</span><br />
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You callous bastards are going through with Christmas dinner? Grandma's
still warm, and you're celebrating?? I must say, as horrific as that
sounds, it's entirely in keeping with the behavior on display in the
rest of this song. Even her husband is drinking beer and playing cards!
It sounds like this woman may have stepped in front of the sleigh,
desperately seeking sweet relief from another Christmas with this bunch
of jerks.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"> I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas with your
families, and my wish for you is that your families are caring enough
that you will receive an elegy more loving than Grandma did.</span></div>
words...words...words...http://www.blogger.com/profile/02441563723665841808noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457092979392142708.post-35634441883078230742014-12-01T17:56:00.000-08:002014-12-01T18:01:36.224-08:00The Way We Were<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">It's that time again. I find myself with a white page in front of me and lots of inchoate thoughts about what I want to write but not a lot of ideas about how to actually write them. I guess that's what makes some people writers and some people pipefitters, right?</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">I'm here again, one year removed from the last time, thanks to Scope at <a href="http://scope-tech.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Scope-Tech</a>. Last year he had the idea for bloggers who'd given up their blogs to come together on one day, Cyber Monday, and post something. It was wonderful, and I'm so glad he's doing it again. I got to read about some of my friends after so long, and it brought back many great memories about the daily interaction we used to have. There were some who were closer than others in that big group, but we really were friends.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">And I guess that's what I want to write about. If you were my friend then, you're still my friend. We may not talk at all, we may only wish each other Happy Birthday on Facebook, we may only chat a bit while playing Words With Friends<sup>1</sup>. No matter. Last night when I was thinking about what to write, I read a lot of my blog. I read a lot of the comments. I laughed out loud a lot. I was moved a lot. Now, we have fun with this Cyber Monday thing, but we all know that it will never be like it was. But that's okay. The blog and the people that read it and the things we told each other will always be a part of me. I never really told anyone that during the Golden Age of Blogs. There were snarky comments, jokes upon jokes, and a bit<sup>2</sup> of flirting. It was a lot of fun, but I think I treated it sometimes like a TV show that I talked back to instead of like a group of people. I guess it's hard in the moment to tell people what they mean to you, because it's hard to have that perspective. I'm a different person now. I'm in a wonderful relationship, and it's taught me a lot about how to treat other people.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">So let me tell you now. In the spirit of the holiday, I'm thankful for the time we all shared. It meant a great deal to me. I think of you often, and when I do, I smile.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Francis</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">1. If you play, we should totally play </span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">2. A lot </span></i></span>words...words...words...http://www.blogger.com/profile/02441563723665841808noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457092979392142708.post-84984623738767270642013-12-03T17:06:00.000-08:002014-12-01T18:00:35.238-08:00Consumer Protection<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Dear Prodigal Bloggers,</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Like many of you, I was inspired to resurrect my comfortably hibernating blog by Scope of <a href="http://scope-tech.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Scope-Tech</a> and his Cyber Monday mass blogathon idea.</span><span style="font-size: small;"> <span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Since the Golden Age of Blogging, this blog has been inactive for three and a half years (save for two one-off posts you can see below this one) before today's slapdash<sup>1</sup> (and late) edition.</span></span> <br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Quite a bit has changed for me in that time, and I currently find myself in Australia. Culturally, Australia is very much like the USA in many respects and quirkily dissimilar in some minor respects. For instance, a six-pack of average beer costs $20 here, which has caused a major reduction in both swearing at televised football games and my waistline.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">One particularly jarring difference is that cigarette packs in Australia do not display the logo of the manufacturer.</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;"> Instead, every brand very<sup>2</sup> graphically displays photographs of the health problems that can befall smokers. The pictures are truly disturbing, which is why <a href="http://www.anorak.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/cigarettes-australia.jpg" target="_blank">I will link them here</a> instead of posting them directly so that you can choose to look or not.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: small;">That brings me (finally) to my post for today. I wondered, if cigarettes are required to warn you very graphically about the dangers of smoking, why should other dangerous products not be subject to the same requirements? In this spirit, my crude Photoshop skills and I bring you:</span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Horrific Consumer Protection Packaging</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-size: small;">As always, click pictures to embiggen.</span></i></span><b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;"> </span></b></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bR5AUwzmLJc/Up580bOlrZI/AAAAAAAAAmo/MVS0QUWKSFI/s1600/mcdonalds.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bR5AUwzmLJc/Up580bOlrZI/AAAAAAAAAmo/MVS0QUWKSFI/s320/mcdonalds.jpg" height="224" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm not sure those baskets are big enough for this meal. In other news, I kind of want to go to McDonald's right now.</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-6gTxLWKG7Eg/Up581np4rwI/AAAAAAAAAm0/ebg0fBlwsWY/s1600/plastic+surgery.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-6gTxLWKG7Eg/Up581np4rwI/AAAAAAAAAm0/ebg0fBlwsWY/s320/plastic+surgery.jpg" height="220" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">If any word ever screamed out for quotation marks, it is the "real" in Real Housewives.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-BkrKBDvWVPY/Up582mz0nDI/AAAAAAAAAm8/i_3hE80VrPQ/s1600/axe.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-BkrKBDvWVPY/Up582mz0nDI/AAAAAAAAAm8/i_3hE80VrPQ/s320/axe.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This warning may prove ineffective if you are pursuing a Real Housewife or watch excessive<sup>3</sup> amounts of MTV.</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/---f2xfLsv3I/Up584I6s4sI/AAAAAAAAAnE/LRC9owGaYOs/s1600/bombay.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/---f2xfLsv3I/Up584I6s4sI/AAAAAAAAAnE/LRC9owGaYOs/s320/bombay.jpg" height="320" width="217" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">To be fair, even though gin tastes like a pine tree air freshener, this warning may actually increase my consumption. </td></tr>
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<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">1. Terrible</span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">2. VERY</span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">3. Any </span></i></span></div>
words...words...words...http://www.blogger.com/profile/02441563723665841808noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457092979392142708.post-44872639591143381752013-01-10T12:56:00.002-08:002013-01-10T12:56:36.561-08:00Fun With Camera Phones: Variety Meats EditionThis is from today's lunch menu. I don't imagine it's among their more popular menu items.<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-m-J1jXB4tTQ/UO8q7kK0o9I/AAAAAAAAAkI/2U2pZsG1M0I/s1600/buffalowangs.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="193" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-m-J1jXB4tTQ/UO8q7kK0o9I/AAAAAAAAAkI/2U2pZsG1M0I/s320/buffalowangs.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />words...words...words...http://www.blogger.com/profile/02441563723665841808noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457092979392142708.post-52532783001237340382012-08-03T11:47:00.000-07:002012-08-03T11:47:01.166-07:00My Prediction? BANE.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I recently went out to see <i>The Dark Knight Rises</i>, as every obedient pop culture monkey has over the last two weeks. That reminds me - it's been two weeks. I've waited long enough. I'm going to spoil the shit out of this movie, and if you haven't seen it yet, leave now and come back later. </div>
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*tap tap tap*</div>
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Back? Good. Anyway, I loved the movie. I know lots of basement dwellers are complaining that the guy in the pit wasn't a licensed chiropractor, that Bruce Wayne couldn't have made his way back to Gotham from the subcontinent without an ID or money, that no police force would be stupid enough to flood the sewers with most of its manpower, and that Batman couldn't have survived ejecting from the Batplane at the end. I would like to remind those people that they are watching a movie about a billionaire who has hollowed out a cave under his house in order to store an armada of secret vehicles and weapons that are probably sufficient to conquer two-thirds of the nations on Earth, all in the service of dressing up in an immobilizing rubber bat suit to beat up criminals. Nerds, I'm sorry your superhero movie based on a comic book is not 100% rooted
in scientific, medical, political, economic, psychological and temporal
fact. </div>
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I'm so glad I got that off my chest. But seriously, that's not even the reason I'm writing this post. This post is about the similarities between <i>The Dark Knight Rises</i> and another huge summer movie from back in the 80s, when summer movies were awesome. I thought about this comparison all during the film, and the parallels just got more and more amazing. People, what I'm here to tell you is this:</div>
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<i>The Dark Knight Rises</i> is a shameless rip-off of <i>Rocky III</i>.</div>
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But why, you ask? Why would esteemed director Christopher Nolan dig into the 80s and choose to steal from <i>Rocky III</i>? Dear reader - have you <i>seen</i> <i>Rocky III</i>? IT. IS. AWESOME. It's by far the best of the Rocky movies. I pity the fool that does not recognize the greatness of <i>Rocky III</i>. If you don't believe me, let's just look at the similarities one by one, shall we?</div>
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<b>1. Both Batman and Rocky face an enemy in a ridiculous outfit.</b></div>
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Look at Bane. He has that scary ass mask and body armor, then finishes the ensemble with a hipster jacket I can only surmise he found backstage at a Fleet Foxes concert. Then we have Thunderlips. His stylized pimp getup is clearly an influence on the fashion sensibilities of Kid Rock. 'Nuff said.</div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Zai7RkHQmek/UBsihYrorbI/AAAAAAAAAi4/4t0VA0_kJ-0/s1600/banethunderlips.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="160" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Zai7RkHQmek/UBsihYrorbI/AAAAAAAAAi4/4t0VA0_kJ-0/s320/banethunderlips.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>2. Batman and Rocky each face a dickhead who tries to break his back.</b></div>
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A little suspicious, no? Here again we have Bane and Thunderlips (who by the way should absolutely form a villanous tag-team in the WWE) up to no good. Thanks to the good folks at Warner Bros. and their team of copyright lawyers, scenes from The Dark Knight Rises will be represented by Lego re-enactments. While both Batman and Rocky were spared a wheelchair, Batman did seem to take the worst of it, considering Rocky did not have any vertebrae protruding from his skin.</div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-dHMW-lbeLPY/UBsdxWGH6-I/AAAAAAAAAh8/EcsOc8CcQKA/s1600/backbreak.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="160" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-dHMW-lbeLPY/UBsdxWGH6-I/AAAAAAAAAh8/EcsOc8CcQKA/s320/backbreak.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>3. Batman and Rocky each exhibit a rich man's sense of invincibility and take a beating from a hungrier up-and-comer.</b></div>
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Rocky gets soft by appearing in American Express ads, wearing sweaters, and knocking over a succession of tomato cans that make <a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_ZU1otMdFn60/TPxEHA4B9BI/AAAAAAAAARo/EGs0PFWeZyc/s1600/homer+simpson.jpg">Boxcar Ira</a> look like Mike Tyson. Clubber Lang is so desperate for a shot at the title that he is willing to proposition Adrian Balboa (and bravely follow through should she be into it) just to piss off Rocky enough to fight him. Lang predictably destroys both Rocky and 50 years of progress against racial stereotypes. Batman has the misfortune of facing a guy that's been sitting in a giant pit for years just getting madder and madder. So mad in fact, that according to this Lego depiction, he administers a <i>literal</i> ass-kicking.</div>
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<b>4. Batman and Rocky both lose elderly father figures who are tired of putting up with their harebrained schemes.</b></div>
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Alfred leaves Bruce Wayne because he thinks Bruce's Batman act will get him killed. Possibly also because he's embezzled enough money from the Waynes to visit Italy every summer and he's tired of washing Bruce's underwear. Mickey leaves because he thinks that Clubber Lang will beat the shit out of Rocky, and because he's tired of holding his mouth that way during all his speeches. </div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uOYBQX_J1NM/UBsfVNU94pI/AAAAAAAAAio/SnQ4FDGbEBI/s1600/oldguyleaves.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-uOYBQX_J1NM/UBsfVNU94pI/AAAAAAAAAio/SnQ4FDGbEBI/s320/oldguyleaves.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>5. Batman and Rocky both leave their plush homes to keep it real and prepare for a rematch.</b></div>
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Both heroes get out of their comfort zones in the hope that they can find the same motivation as their hungry opponents. Bruce Wayne literally tries to find the same motivation as Bane by sitting in the same stanky pit that made Bane who he is. Rocky moves to a place that has black people.</div>
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<b>6. Ass-kicking time.</b></div>
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Predictably, our heroes rediscover what made them great in the first place and handily defeat their nemeses. Rocky employs the unusual strategy of letting Clubber Lang punch the shit out of him before kicking his ass. Batman...well...he's doing <i>something</i> to Bane's ass.</div>
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<br />words...words...words...http://www.blogger.com/profile/02441563723665841808noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457092979392142708.post-44663052704895566022010-06-28T11:51:00.000-07:002010-06-28T12:03:57.102-07:00Let's Just Call It Smell You Later<span style="font-family: verdana;">Dear readers (and the rest of you too),</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">This blog used to be good. It's kind of lost its way over the last few months and it's now just an infrequent repository of (kickass) songs and lame half-posts. I'm struggling to find the time to write in it, and I shouldn't have to struggle only to post crap. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">I think for this blog to be good again, it needs direction. I need to take some time and rethink what I want it to be. I'm sure some of what I usually do will survive to WWW 2.0, but not all of it. Hopefully I'll be back before too long.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">Thank you all for following my blog. I love knowing that someone out there is reading what I write, and occasionally enjoying it. I hope that I can come back and better reward your effort. I'll continue to read all of you, so I'll be around.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">Thanks :)</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">WWW</span>words...words...words...http://www.blogger.com/profile/02441563723665841808noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457092979392142708.post-84527937546283669612010-06-25T03:30:00.000-07:002010-06-25T03:30:01.215-07:00Rocking For The Weekend: Jellyfish<span style="font-family:verdana;">This week I bring you Jellyfish, a great 90s pop band that isn't half as well known as they should be. They made two albums and were gone as quickly as they came, but left behind this gem called "Baby's Coming Back". It was a minor hit in 1991, and it's a great introduction to Jellyfish's hooky, vaguely orchestral pop. I haven't made a list, but I'm pretty sure this would be in my top ten favorite songs. Enjoy the weekend! I might even get Sunday off and join you!</span><br /><br /><br /><div><object height="322" width="400"><param name="movie" value="http://d.yimg.com/static.video.yahoo.com/yep/YV_YEP.swf?ver=2.2.46"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="AllowScriptAccess" value="always"><param name="bgcolor" value="#000000"><param name="flashVars" value="id=v56636658&vid=5604586&lang=en-us&intl=us&thumbUrl=http%3A//d.yimg.com/ec/image/v1/video/56636658%3Bsize%3D385x231&embed=1"><embed src="http://d.yimg.com/static.video.yahoo.com/yep/YV_YEP.swf?ver=2.2.46" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowfullscreen="true" allowscriptaccess="always" bgcolor="#000000" flashvars="id=v56636658&vid=5604586&lang=en-us&intl=us&thumbUrl=http%3A//d.yimg.com/ec/image/v1/video/56636658%3Bsize%3D385x231&embed=1" height="322" width="400"></embed></object><br /><a href="http://video.yahoo.com/watch/5604586/v56636658">Baby's Coming Back</a> @ <a href="http://video.yahoo.com/">Yahoo! Video</a></div>words...words...words...http://www.blogger.com/profile/02441563723665841808noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457092979392142708.post-18873108486741827372010-06-22T03:30:00.000-07:002010-06-22T03:30:00.146-07:00That's Why He's The Master Of Horror<span style="font-family: verdana;">I was playing around with Photo Booth last night, and I had no idea how many effects it had or how specialized they were. Can you guys believe they have a "Stephen King" effect?</span><br /><br /><br /><a style="font-family: verdana;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_sz-QVSgVOv0/TCBeYswNlJI/AAAAAAAAAc0/K0iiESeR4UA/s1600/king.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 360px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_sz-QVSgVOv0/TCBeYswNlJI/AAAAAAAAAc0/K0iiESeR4UA/s400/king.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5485488124560512146" border="0" /></a>words...words...words...http://www.blogger.com/profile/02441563723665841808noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457092979392142708.post-51323821225863703092010-06-18T03:30:00.000-07:002010-06-18T03:30:01.143-07:00Rocking For The Weekend: Butch Walker<span style="font-family:verdana;">I first heard Butch Walker in the late 90s as the singer/songwriter/guitarist of kickass pop/punk band Marvelous 3. That band put out three fantastic albums and broke up in 2001, leading Walker to a new career as a songwriter/producer/svengali type. He's written and produced hits for such varied artists as Pete Yorn, Fall Out Boy, Avril Lavigne, All-American Rejects, Weezer, The Donnas, Hot Hot Heat, American Hi-Fi, and Dashboard Confessional, among others. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">In addition to a career as a punkier Adam Schlesinger, Walker also continues to record his own albums. His solo music features the same catchy hook-laden pop rock as the Marvelous 3. Today's selection, "Bethamphetamine", comes from 2006's <span style="font-style: italic;">The Rise And Fall Of Butch Walker And The Let's-Go-Out-Tonites</span>. Enjoy some fun rock and roll and enjoy your weekend!<sup>1</sup></span><br /><br /><object height="385" width="400"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/IZ4XVaOQxtE&hl=en_US&fs=1&"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/IZ4XVaOQxtE&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" height="385" width="400"></embed></object><br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:verdana;" >1. Even though I have to work. AGAIN.</span></span>words...words...words...http://www.blogger.com/profile/02441563723665841808noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457092979392142708.post-10950850526620095502010-06-16T08:54:00.000-07:002010-06-16T09:08:57.724-07:00"Mahogany" Cards. Robert Horry.<span style="font-family: verdana;">Is it just me, or is the man in this Hallmark™ Mahogany card a dead ringer for NBA All-Star Robert Horry?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">Do you think it's possible that Horry commissioned this lovely watercolor so that he might have a personalized card to send to family and friends? It would be most excellent for him to be able to go to the store and buy a card that was already pre-printed with his sentiments.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-family: verdana;">"Hello, dear friend or relative. <br /><br />This is Robert Horry, and I am taking a moment from the time I set aside for looking pensive to wish you a happy birthday/graduation/wedding/baby/new job/bar mitzvah.<br /><br />Best regards, seven time NBA champion Robert Horry.<br /><br />P.S., thank you for your concerned inquiries, but no, I do not have vitiligo on my forearms."</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">I would like to think so. It amuses me.</span><br /><br /><br /><a style="font-family: verdana;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_sz-QVSgVOv0/TBjz9rPh7tI/AAAAAAAAAcs/xC8pF6xJbzs/s1600/horry.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 284px; height: 400px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_sz-QVSgVOv0/TBjz9rPh7tI/AAAAAAAAAcs/xC8pF6xJbzs/s400/horry.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5483400787229011666" border="0" /></a>words...words...words...http://www.blogger.com/profile/02441563723665841808noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457092979392142708.post-14571614604148701792010-06-10T20:01:00.000-07:002010-06-11T10:54:54.021-07:00Rocking For The Weekend: The Rolling Stones<span style="font-family: verdana;">In May, The Rolling Stones released a remastered version of </span><span style="font-style: italic; font-family: verdana;">Exile On Main Street</span><span style="font-family: verdana;">, my #2 favorite album of all time. For some reason, I don't have my grubby little hands on it yet, but the news made me revisit this spectacular example of blues, juke joint boogie-woogie, and preening cocksurety.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic; font-family: verdana;">Exile</span><span style="font-family: verdana;"> was recorded in the basement of Keith Richards' French hideaway during what approximated an extended house party. Guests came and went and took time out from frolicking to lay down a track or two. It all came together as a shambling, off the cuff masterpiece.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">"Happy" is one of the few Stones songs that Richards sings lead vocals on. It lives up to its name, exuding joy at every turn. Consequently, it's long been a live staple for the Stones, and I hope you enjoy it today. Happy Weekend!</span><sup style="font-family: verdana;">1</sup><br /><br /><object style="font-family: verdana;" height="385" width="400"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/6n0Q9Not3ks&hl=en_US&fs=1&"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/6n0Q9Not3ks&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" height="385" width="400"></embed></object><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-family: verdana;">1. Even though I don't get a weekend this week. Or next week. Grr.</span></span>words...words...words...http://www.blogger.com/profile/02441563723665841808noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457092979392142708.post-52367182521645360942010-06-10T03:30:00.000-07:002010-06-10T03:30:00.365-07:00Football, Chalupas, and Curly Joe<span style="font-family:verdana;">Seattle Seahawks rookie wide receiver Golden Tate was apprehended last weekend breaking into a local doughnut shop at 3am. Tate was drawn by the smell of freshly baked maple bars, which he ate several of before police arrived. </span><a style="font-family: verdana;" href="http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=5265276">According to the Associated Press</a><span style="font-family:verdana;">, Tate called the incident a "foolish mistake", but also declared that "if you ever want maple bars, that's the place to go." Seahawks coach Pete Carroll told reporters that he had spoken to Tate about the issue. "That's definitely wrong. We've talked about it, addressed it. He's remorseful and all that." However, even Carroll seems to be under the spell of the delicious pastry, adding "I do understand the lure of the maple bars." WWW finds it hilarious that the shop victimized by Tate's 3am munchie run is called "Top Pot Doughnuts".</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Tate's tale brought to mind other incidents involving football players who got in trouble with the law in pursuit of tasty treats. Yes, there are enough incidents to warrant a a blog post.<sup>1</sup></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Chad Kelsay, who played for the University of Nebraska and the Pittsburgh Steelers, </span><a style="font-family: verdana;" href="http://img815.imageshack.us/img815/1495/kelsay.png">was arrested in 2003</a><span style="font-family:verdana;"> for eating off of other customers' plates at a Lincoln, Nebraska restaurant. By the time police arrived, Kelsay had moved on from </span><a style="font-family: verdana;" href="http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=173098929033">pulling an Elaine Benes</a><span style="font-family:verdana;"> and was eating directly from the salsa bar. I am not making this up.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Both of these incidents are entertaining. But they simply cannot compare to </span><a style="font-family: verdana;" href="http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/football/college/news/1999/11/18/kansas_chalupa_ap/">the story of University of Kansas defensive end Dion Rayford</a><span style="font-family:verdana;">. He was visiting a Taco Bell restaurant at 2am one night in 1999 when employees made the mistake of leaving a chalupa out of his order. The 270-pound Rayford became enraged and got stuck in the drive-thru window when he lunged at employees in an effort to retrieve the missing chalupa. The 14x46 inch window couldn't support his weight and collapsed, leaving Rayford hanging halfway inside. Employees retreated to the office and called police, who shockingly cited Rayford for disorderly conduct and having an open container of alcohol.<sup>2</sup></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">This is the summary paragraph, where I'm supposed to tie all these stories together. But screw it. I just liked telling three awesome stories about drunk football players with the munchies. And it's my blog.</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;" >1. Three is enough. Three is the classic comedy number that makes everything funny. That's why there are Three Stooges.<sup>A</sup> </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:85%;" ><br /><br /></span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;" >2. I would like to think that they read him his rights while he was still stuck in the window. It amuses me.</span><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:85%;" ><br /><br /></span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;" > A. Well, that and Shemp sucked.<sup>AA</sup></span><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:85%;" ><br /><br /></span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;" > AA. Curly Joe, too.</span>words...words...words...http://www.blogger.com/profile/02441563723665841808noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457092979392142708.post-86238402525430635282010-06-07T03:30:00.000-07:002010-06-07T03:30:00.685-07:00The Truth Makes Baby Jesus Giggle And Then Spit Up A Little<span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: 100%;">On Thursday, <a href="http://wordsxthree.blogspot.com/2010/06/lies-make-baby-jesus-cry-but-hes-not.html">I participated in a meme</a> where I had to list seven facts about me - six truths and one lie. Eight of you hazarded a guess as to which was the lie. ONE stands alone as the winner! Let's go down the list, shall we? <br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">1. A flag has been flown over the U.S. Capitol Building in my honor.</span><br />Tammy, S&C, and Girl Interrupted all guessed #1. All were wrong! I am an Eagle Scout, and back in the day one of the perks was receiving a flag flown over the Big Nip to mark the occasion. Sadly, it's not such a special thing anymore. These days, any citizen can order one from your Senator or Representative. (But you'll have to pay for it!)<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">2. I have performed karaoke exactly once, and I won that evening's contest.</span><br />Zibbs, Gwen, 180/360 and Blogless Rebecca all guessed #2. All were wrong! One year for Halloween, I dressed as a member of Devo, complete with red flowerpot hat and whip. The bar we went to happened to have karaoke, and the host pleaded with me to sing "Whip It". After five or six beers and two hours of relentless needling, I succumbed. I rocked it out, whipped everything in sight, and won Eagles tickets. Sweet.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">3. I have been proposed to. (Yes, by a girl. Jerks.)</span><br />Trinity wins! He was the only person to guess correctly. I remain un-proposed to, even by Gwen. I think she thought I said "propositioned".<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">4. My only D in school was in Algebra I.</span><br />True. My parents were so shocked I didn't even get in trouble. I think it might be partly because they laughed when I called the algebra teacher a goober.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">5. I have played catch with Kevin Costner on more than one occasion.</span><br />True. I worked on one of the <span style="font-style: italic;">good</span> movies he made.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">6. My mother once told me I got laid off from my job because I skipped church.</span><br />True. First thing out of her mouth after I told her I was laid off. It's still the worst thing she's ever said to me.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">7. I've seen a doctor three times in the last 12 years.</span><br />True. It's hard to go to the doctor when you don't have insurance. Not because it's too expensive, but because if they find anything it will never be covered.<br /><br />Thanks for playing, and congrats to Trinity!<br /></span>words...words...words...http://www.blogger.com/profile/02441563723665841808noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457092979392142708.post-48700647761741473882010-06-04T11:42:00.000-07:002010-06-04T12:04:40.850-07:00Rocking For The Weekend: Def Leppard<span style="font-family:verdana;">I was inspired to post this song by a blogger who shall remain nameless. Said blogger had a bit of fun at my expense for being an unabashed, unironic fan of Def Leppard. I have no choice but to retort by posting "Pour Some Sugar On Me". It is not only a definitive Friday song, but also the best stripping song ever recorded (take that, Motley Crue!) and proof that lyrics mean absolutely </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:verdana;" >nothing</span><span style="font-family:verdana;">. This song is completely unintelligible (a Def Leppard trademark). </span><span style="font-family:verdana;">I defy any group of distinguished linguists, cultural anthropologists, or even ecclesiastical scholars to divine any meaning whatsoever in the song.</span><span style="font-family:verdana;"> </span><span style="font-family:verdana;">It's just ear candy, </span><span style="font-family:verdana;">and it does not suffer in the least for it. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">I've always thought that Def Leppard was unfairly ghettoized by the term "hair metal". Their songwriting, chops and vocal harmonies always put them well ahead of contemporaries like the aformentioned Crue, Poison, Bon Jovi, Skid Row, Warrant and the like. I see Def Leppard more as the descendants of glam rock bands like Mott The Hoople, T. Rex and especially Queen. If you listen to their music with 2010 ears, you might be surprised at the level of pop songcraft present.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Rumor has it (I refuse to consider anything broadcast by VH-1 more reliable than rumor) that the album </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:verdana;" >Hysteria</span><span style="font-family:verdana;"> was completed but that the record company wanted one more song. Uberproducer Mutt Lange heard lead singer Joe Elliott noodling on an acoustic guitar and his ears pricked up. Elliott said that it was just a little unfinished riff he was playing with, and Lange insisted that the band flesh it out. Shortly afterward, "Pour Some Sugar On Me" was added to the album just before it shipped. </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:verdana;" >Hysteria</span><span style="font-family:verdana;"> was initially a disappointing failure, leaving the band nearly bankrupt. Then "Pour Some Sugar On Me" was released as a single, and it ignited sales of the album, which went on to dominate the summer and fall of 1988 in a way that rock records simply can't do anymore.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">But enough babbling. Enjoy the song and enjoy the weekend :)</span><br /><br /><br /><object style="font-family: verdana;" height="385" width="400"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/6652YIBzByk&hl=en_US&fs=1&"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/6652YIBzByk&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" height="385" width="400"></embed></object>words...words...words...http://www.blogger.com/profile/02441563723665841808noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457092979392142708.post-9098223506522960492010-06-03T04:00:00.000-07:002010-06-03T04:00:05.216-07:00Lies Make Baby Jesus Cry (But He's Not Here)<span style="font-family: verdana;font-size:100%;" >I have been bestowed with an award by the delightful-and-soon-to-be-wed Cora of <a href="http://lovelettersbycora.blogspot.com/"><span style="font-style: italic;">Love Letters By Cora</span></a>! And just in time for my blog, which teeters on life support. This award includes a meme in which I am asked to become a filthy liar. This is not a stretch, as anyone who reads my blog can attest. Behold the Creative Writer Blogger Award!<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_sz-QVSgVOv0/TAdaITDEFdI/AAAAAAAAAcc/XFwPN2qElfc/s1600/2802npj%5B4%5D.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 196px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_sz-QVSgVOv0/TAdaITDEFdI/AAAAAAAAAcc/XFwPN2qElfc/s400/2802npj%5B4%5D.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5478446570318075346" border="0" /></a></span><span style="font-family: verdana;font-size:100%;" ><br />This is not just a ceremonial position. I must do the following:<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">•Express gratitude to the blogger who bestowed the award unto you.</span><br />(see above)<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">•Display the picture on your blog proudly.</span><br />(see to the right)<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">•Be nice and provide a link to the person who gave it to you.</span><br /><a href="http://lovelettersbycora.blogspot.com/">Love Letters By Cora</a><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">•Tell up to 6 outrageous lies about yourself, and at least 1 outrageous truth, or switch it around and tell 6 outrageous truths and 1 outrageous lie.</span><br />I'm going to go with the 6 truths and 1 lie:<br /><br />1. A flag has been flown over the U.S. Capitol Building in my honor.<br />2. I have performed karaoke exactly once, and I won that evening's contest.<br />3. I have been proposed to. (Yes, by a girl. Jerks.)<br />4. My only D in school was in Algebra I.<br />5. I have played catch with Kevin Costner on more than one occasion.<br />6. My mother once told me I got laid off from my job because I skipped church.<br />7. I've seen a doctor three times in the last 12 years.<br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">•Nominate 7 creative writers who might be into doing this.</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">•Post links to the seven blogs you nominate and let the owners of those blogs know.</span><br /><br />Honestly, I'm not big on sending other blogs memes. But since there are a few blogs I enjoy that have been slacking even more than I have, I will tag them in a show of tough love. I hereby tag:<br /><br />Falwless at <a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://lotsbetterthenyourblog.blogspot.com/">Lots Better Then Your Blog</a><br />Girl Interrupted at<a href="http://girl1nterrupted.blogspot.com/"><span style="font-style: italic;"> A World So Small</span></a><br />The Imaginary Reviewer at <a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://imaginary-review.blogspot.com/">The Imaginary Review</a><br /><br />Get cracking, you three! And the rest of you...guess my lie!<br /></span>words...words...words...http://www.blogger.com/profile/02441563723665841808noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457092979392142708.post-21062904990126651962010-06-02T11:04:00.000-07:002010-06-02T11:21:49.153-07:00Fun With Camera Phones: Amish Edition<span style="font-family:verdana;">I would love to have been a fly on the wall when Joey and Sassie debated what they wanted to do for their </span><a style="font-family: verdana;" href="http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5455572">Rumspringa</a><span style="font-family:verdana;"> and came up with...Shakey's. Not Disneyland? Not the beach? Not Hollywood? </span><span style="font-family:verdana;">Not smoking cigarettes behind Jumbo's Clown Room?</span><span style="font-family:verdana;"> Not even...a bar? </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:verdana;" >SHAKEY'S</span><span style="font-family:verdana;">? </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">FRIENDS: "So tell us about the outside world!"</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">JOEY: "It's filled with balloons and pepperoni pizza and the wings of chickens covered in a sauce more fiery than Satan's lair itself!"</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">SASSIE: "And unlimited refills of Coke!"</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">I am certain Joey and Sassie will remain in the Amish community. </span><br /><br /><a style="font-family: verdana;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_sz-QVSgVOv0/TAadxOE_-YI/AAAAAAAAAcU/BFPRfZsKF0Q/s1600/rumstringa.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 369px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_sz-QVSgVOv0/TAadxOE_-YI/AAAAAAAAAcU/BFPRfZsKF0Q/s400/rumstringa.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5478239465661004162" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">The fact that Shakey's misspelled "Rumspringa" just adds the perfect touch of pathos.</span>words...words...words...http://www.blogger.com/profile/02441563723665841808noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457092979392142708.post-69369301290084252962010-05-28T10:21:00.000-07:002010-05-28T10:26:27.754-07:00Rocking For The Weekend: The Muppets<span style="font-family: verdana;">Okay, so this isn't technically "rocking". But it's Memorial Day Weekend! And who better to help us observe this holiday than my favorite Muppet, that glowering patriot, Sam the Eagle. Please join Sam and the rest of the Muppets in a rousing rendition of "Stars And Stripes Forever", and enjoy your holiday weekend!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;"><object width="400" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/kDA9NbPAK8o&hl=en_US&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/kDA9NbPAK8o&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="400" height="385"></embed></object></span>words...words...words...http://www.blogger.com/profile/02441563723665841808noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457092979392142708.post-82574421781671837352010-05-26T03:00:00.000-07:002010-05-26T08:34:13.554-07:00Fun With Camera Phones: Loss Prevention<span style="font-family:verdana;">I wonder if they had this problem when they were making </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:verdana;" >Charlie And The Chocolate Factory</span><span style="font-family:verdana;">.</span><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_sz-QVSgVOv0/S_zJRwovGfI/AAAAAAAAAcM/_yTlC2Nrg-Y/s1600/donoteattheprops.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 279px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_sz-QVSgVOv0/S_zJRwovGfI/AAAAAAAAAcM/_yTlC2Nrg-Y/s400/donoteattheprops.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5475472553926400498" border="0" /></a>words...words...words...http://www.blogger.com/profile/02441563723665841808noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457092979392142708.post-46453426669712565082010-05-21T03:30:00.000-07:002010-05-21T03:30:00.400-07:00Rocking For The Weekend: Boston<span style="font-family: verdana;">Thank God for </span><span style="font-style: italic; font-family: verdana;">Rocking For The Weekend</span><span style="font-family: verdana;">. If it weren't for this feature, WWW might conceivably go a month without a post. (Pause for hopeful sighs.) For better or for worse, today you get a post. And what performer is good enough to break a two-week dry spell you ask? Boston!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">Boston was one of my favorite bands in high school, and they remain a fond favorite today. I was digging through some old CDs this week and came upon Boston's skimpy discography. If you like good-time rock and roll with thundering guitar, hand claps, soaring harmonies, and the occasional massive pipe organ, you like Boston. And I defy you not to like "Feelin' Satisfied", an exuberant ode to live concerts. There's so much joy in this song that it's perfect for Friday. Enjoy!</span><br /><br /><object style="font-family: verdana;" height="385" width="400"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/XB6opQ6ldyE&hl=en_US&fs=1&"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/XB6opQ6ldyE&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" height="385" width="400"></embed></object><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">Some interesting Boston trivia:</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">* Founder and guitarist Tom Scholz holds an MS in mechanical engineering from MIT and worked at Polaroid on the team that developed the Polaroid Instant Camera. Then he decided to rock.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">* Scholz also invented and marketed the Rockman, a popular analog guitar effects unit designed to produce the Boston guitar sound. It was embraced by Steve Stevens (Billy Idol), Neal Schon (Journey), Billy Gibbons (ZZ Top), and Steve Clark and Phil Collen (Def Leppard).</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">* Boston's self-titled debut album, released in 1976, sold 17 million copies and was the biggest selling debut album in history until it was surpassed by Guns N' Roses' </span><span style="font-style: italic; font-family: verdana;">Appetite For Destruction</span><span style="font-family: verdana;"> in 1988.</span>words...words...words...http://www.blogger.com/profile/02441563723665841808noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457092979392142708.post-79950949945812461692010-05-07T12:31:00.000-07:002010-05-07T12:58:24.220-07:00Rocking For The Weekend: Soul Asylum<span style="font-family:verdana;">It's Friday again already. Yet at the same time, this week has constantly reminded me of W.C. Fields' famous (if unstubstantiated) quote regarding my hometown. "Philadelphia, wonderful town. I spent a week there one night." This week cannot end soon enough.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">To help us all get there just a little quicker, here is Soul Asylum's "Somebody To Shove". I heard lead singer Dave Pirner guesting on another song this week and immediately had the urge to listen to this song again. For the youngsters out there, Soul Asylum was one of the endless parade of 90s bands that were vaguely influenced by grunge but mostly just made forgettable guitar rock. You may (or more likely may not) remember such examples as the Gin Blossoms, Better Than Ezra, Collective Soul and Counting Crows.</span><sup style="font-family: verdana;">1</sup><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Anyway, much like a thousand monkeys banging away at a thousand typewriters will eventually write "Hamlet", I firmly believe every band that achieves a modicum of success has at least one truly great song.</span><sup style="font-family: verdana;">2</sup><span style="font-family:verdana;"> And this is Soul Asylum's truly great song. I think it's about inertia and sometimes needing a kick in the ass to jolt you out of apathy. But I have been known to get song meanings completely wrong. Mostly I just like it because it rocks. Enjoy!</span><br /><br /><object style="font-family: verdana;" height="344" width="400"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/OrrE5bCA5lg&hl=en_US&fs=1&rel=0"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/OrrE5bCA5lg&hl=en_US&fs=1&rel=0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" height="344" width="400"></embed></object><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-family:verdana;">1. I know that Counting Crows don't exactly fit this category. But I can't resist any opportunity to take a shot at them for sucking so hard.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">2. Yes, even Counting Crows. See "Mr. Jones".</span></span>words...words...words...http://www.blogger.com/profile/02441563723665841808noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457092979392142708.post-86390508529904874942010-05-05T03:00:00.000-07:002010-05-05T03:00:06.655-07:00Yes, We Have No Hot Water<span style="font-family: verdana;">Gather 'round, my readers, and I will tell you a tale! A tale of incompetence, broken promises, chicanery and unpleasant odors!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">Several times during the month of April, my apartment building was without hot water. At least three times I had to go to work with an unsatisfying cold shower. When this happened, I simply washed my hair, face, pits and undercarriage to avoid freezing my nuts off. Apparently (and much to my dismay) the resistance to extreme temperatures forged by years of 8am outdoor swim practices had forsaken me. After several complaints (including one by me) the management finally responded in the form of this letter given to all tenants:</span><br /><br /><a style="font-family: verdana;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_sz-QVSgVOv0/S-EXmC3JP7I/AAAAAAAAAcE/UwB-DJVmNjM/s1600/letter1.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_sz-QVSgVOv0/S-EXmC3JP7I/AAAAAAAAAcE/UwB-DJVmNjM/s400/letter1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5467677364975124402" border="0" /></a><span style="font-family: verdana;">I suppose $200 is a nice gesture. But honestly...how long does it take to purchase and install a water heater? And what kind of new hot water heater would require a permit that takes more than a week to secure? We're not installing a hot tub time machine here. (Although that would rule.) About a week and a half after the previous letter, the following was posted in the building elevator:</span><br /><br /><a style="font-family: verdana;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_sz-QVSgVOv0/S-EXl60tZwI/AAAAAAAAAb8/oQXIn8Q1Ofk/s1600/letter2.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 285px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_sz-QVSgVOv0/S-EXl60tZwI/AAAAAAAAAb8/oQXIn8Q1Ofk/s400/letter2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5467677362817427202" border="0" /></a><span style="font-family: verdana;">TWO FULL DAYS to install a hot water heater? This means I'm assured of at least one more arctic shower on Wednesday morning. At this point, I'm becoming curious to see this monstrosity. Upon further reflection, I decided that if the management hired people with the skill level of the usual "handyman" or "plumber" sent to make repairs to my apartment, then it would take the same number of men to install this water heater as it took to erect the Great Pyramids. Honestly. I have a metal transition over the line where my kitchen tile meets my carpet, and after nearly three years they STILL can't secure it tightly.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">So Tuesday morning comes, and cognizant of the 8am deadline, I get into the shower just before 7:30am. After I'm thoroughly wet but not yet soapy (I'll give the ladies a moment here to imagine me getting soapy in the shower. La la la. We all good? Okay, let's move on.) the water turns ice fucking cold. A half hour early. I used my anger to quickly wash before the heat on my skin totally dissipated and on the way to work I decided that the letter posted in the elevator needed to be tightened up just a bit:</span><br /><br /><a style="font-family: verdana;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_sz-QVSgVOv0/S-EXldhcxFI/AAAAAAAAAb0/Ir44bMQz-A0/s1600/letter3.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 308px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_sz-QVSgVOv0/S-EXldhcxFI/AAAAAAAAAb0/Ir44bMQz-A0/s400/letter3.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5467677354952016978" border="0" /></a><span style="font-family: verdana;">Of course, this meant that I'd have cold showers on TWO consecutive days. Simply unacceptable. Not, however, as unacceptable as what I saw in the elevator upon my return home on Tuesday night:</span><br /><br /><a style="font-family: verdana;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_sz-QVSgVOv0/S-EXlF-bcII/AAAAAAAAAbs/cElf5nAb-y0/s1600/letter4.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 290px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_sz-QVSgVOv0/S-EXlF-bcII/AAAAAAAAAbs/cElf5nAb-y0/s400/letter4.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5467677348631113858" border="0" /></a><span style="font-family: verdana;">THREE days to install the hot water heater? THREE mornings with no hot shower? That's not just unacceptable, it's comical. Screw the people in Darfur. I want Sally Struthers and Bono here with barrels of hot water ASAP! And fancy soaps! The kind that smell like grandma's perfume!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">Even as beloved a personage as myself cannot arrive at work with three days of stank on me. A solution needed to be found. And lo, it was. As it happens, I live two blocks away from a 24 Hour Fitness location. Gyms have showers. Hot showers. And they frequently offer free trials. A quick visit to the 24 Hour Fitness website confirmed that I could secure a free 7-day pass. Thursday morning I hustled over to the gym and sincerely expressed my interest in a new and healthier lifestyle. I dutifully endured the 30 minute tour/hardcore sales pitch and said that I would certainly think about it. Trainer Kristen shook my hand and told me to enjoy the gym and speak to her on the way out about my experience. I made an immediate beeline for the showers. I quickly undressed, anticipating this shower more than about half of the Christmas mornings in my lifetime. I hit the stall, cranked the dial toward "hot", and reveled in the...ICE COLD water. NO. NO, GODDAMMIT. NOT HERE TOO!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">After about two minutes of filthy language and frantic gesticulation, I realized that the "hot" and "cold" ends of the shower dial were incorrectly marked. "Cold" was "hot". Soon, hot steaming water, sweeter than milk and honey, flowed over my stinky skin. The feeling of relief was like that of an orgasm or a massive crap. After twenty thoroughly satisfying minutes, I dressed and snuck past Trainer Kristen to make my escape.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">The hot water in the building indeed came back on Thursday night. Ingenuity had seen me through these dark hours. And I will be reminded of my experience for years to come, when a representative from 24 Hour Fitness calls every 8 hours until the Sun's explosion into a supernova reduces the Earth to a cinder.</span>words...words...words...http://www.blogger.com/profile/02441563723665841808noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457092979392142708.post-35684243921480647952010-05-03T08:31:00.000-07:002010-05-03T12:10:11.796-07:00The G-Chat Diaries, Vol. 12<span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"><span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">In a departure from previous installments of The G-Chat Diaries, I have redacted several statements from Chatter X to preserve the tattered remains of his/her reputation. If you would like to be featured in a future installment, just hit up WWW via the Plugoo chat application over there on the right!</span></span><br /><br />Chatter X</span>: I'm talking to you from an unsecured wireless network...is that bad? Can people see this?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">WWW</span>: No it just means there's no password for the network.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">Chatter X</span>: I'm totally stealing someone's internet.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">Chatter X</span>: So they can't see what I'm doing?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">WWW</span>: Nope.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">Chatter X</span>: Unless they're some kind of brilliant hacker?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">WWW</span>: And also, if they cared.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">Chatter X</span>: Off to the porn sites! If my identity is stolen and my [Naughty!] are published somewhere, I'm killing you.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">WWW</span>: I'm okay with that.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">Chatter X</span>: Not afraid of death, eh?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">WWW</span>: We both know you're too lazy to travel 3,000 miles to kill anyone.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">Chatter X</span>: That's true.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">Chatter X</span>: Although, while I was there I could try to swing by that whatever festival to see [Shitty band Chatter X loves]. I get all the festivals confused.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">Chatter X</span>: It's not Bonnaroo.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">Chatter X</span>: Uhhh. [Expletive].</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">Chatter X</span>: I hate when information falls out of my head.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">WWW</span>: Coachella?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">Chatter X</span>: YES</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">Chatter X</span>: They're headlining Coachella this year.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">WWW</span>: Really?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">Chatter X</span>: Yes. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">WWW</span>: Was Jesus Jones unavailable?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">Chatter X</span>: [Shitty band Chatter X loves] is huge, what are you talking about?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">WWW</span>: Huge? Hmm. Moderately. Besides, I just don't like them at all. Despite the presence of [Chatter X’s stalkee]</span>.<br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">Chatter X</span>: Well, you're stupid.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">Chatter X</span>: That's my only retort.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">WWW</span>: It's an old reliable one.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">Chatter X</span>: POOL IS STUPID!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">WWW</span>: I like pool!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">Chatter X</span>: I know, I was quoting Jeff Winger. Oh, how I wish full frontal was allowed on NBC.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">Chatter X</span>: I'm very curious to [Trust me, you're better not knowing] what Joel McHale is packing.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">WWW</span>: I should interject here, in case this ever becomes a Chatter X post, that we are speaking about an episode of the delightful NBC comedy <span style="font-style: italic;">Community</span>, starring Joel McHale as wisecracking ex-lawyer turned community college student Jeff Winger.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">Chatter X</span>: That's true. You know, I have this theory that they sort of named Joel's character after Bill Murray's in <span style="font-style: italic;">Stripes</span>.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">Chatter X</span>: John Winger / Jeff Winger. They're both charming, wisecracking smartasses.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">WWW</span>: Hmm. Not Kip Winger?</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">Chatter X</span>: Nah, not enough hair (chest and head) for that. And he never pirouettes.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">Chatter X</span>: It can't be Debra Winger, because Joel's voice isn't deep enough.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">WWW</span>: I think we've exhausted pop culture Wingers.</span>words...words...words...http://www.blogger.com/profile/02441563723665841808noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457092979392142708.post-20794895139941227662010-04-30T14:34:00.000-07:002010-05-03T12:01:13.456-07:00Rocking For The Weekend: Brendan Benson<span style="font-family:verdana;">Hey kids, it's Friday! And that means one thing...it's time for Rocking For The Weekend! (Never mind that most of you will see this after you're already home from work, if not on Monday. I'm late, so sue me. I'm working nights this week.)</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">This week I'm featuring Brendan Benson. This is "A Whole Lot Better" from his latest album, </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:verdana;" >My Old Familiar Friend</span><span style="font-family:verdana;">. Most of you have probably never heard of him, but you've probably heard his music. This is because he moonlights as a member of Jack White's other band, The Raconteurs. Brendan's solo work is a little less rock, a little more pop. He would have been huge back in the day when people cared about the Billboard charts and the top spots were occupied by actual, you know, songs. But today, well-crafted catchy pop/rock is a niche genre, and Brendan is a niche performer. Hopefully, today his niche gets a little bigger. Enjoy!</span><br /><br /><object width="400" height="340"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/bRjLF9IKZmU&hl=en_US&fs=1&rel=0"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/bRjLF9IKZmU&hl=en_US&fs=1&rel=0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="400" height="340"></embed></object>words...words...words...http://www.blogger.com/profile/02441563723665841808noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457092979392142708.post-30335805490797158402010-04-19T13:19:00.001-07:002010-04-19T13:23:56.141-07:00Priorities. I Has Them.<span style="font-family:verdana;">While I enjoy the website <a href="http://textsfromlastnight.com/">Texts From Last Night</a>, I never wish I was acquainted with any of the people who send texts in.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Until now.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Meet the future Mrs. WWW:</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">(248):</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">(440):</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">(248):</span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Playoffs. This shit is serious.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">I only hope that (248) is the woman. (440) has a disturbing grasp of the use of apostrophes.</span>words...words...words...http://www.blogger.com/profile/02441563723665841808noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457092979392142708.post-26929308564967545662010-04-16T03:00:00.000-07:002010-06-02T16:19:52.138-07:00Rocking For The Weekend: The Heavy<span style="font-family:verdana;">I meant to start this feature again once I went back to work, but I slacked. For the uninitiated, Rocking For The Weekend is a Friday feature where I spotlight a song that has the exhilarating feeling you get while running out the door on a Friday after work. Since everyone (except </span><a style="font-family: verdana;" href="http://thepopeye.blogspot.com/">BeckEye</a><span style="font-family:verdana;">) knows I have outstanding taste in music, this should be fun!</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">This week I'm featuring The Heavy, a neo-soul group that also incorporate guitar rock, blues and a little dance into their mix. Even if you haven't heard of them, you've surely heard their song "How You Like Me Now?" from the Kia commercial with the mechanical bull-riding sock monkey and the giant red dildo.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">If you want to see the actual music video, you can </span><a style="font-family: verdana;" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sVzvRsl4rEM">find it here</a><span style="font-family:verdana;">. But I'm going to feature the spectacular live version from The Heavy's visit to <span style="font-style: italic;">Late Night with David Letterman</span> in January. This performance is so good that when Dave comes out to say hi, he asks the band to keep playing the song. Which they do, to the audience's delight. Enjoy, and Happy Weekend!</span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><object height="385" width="400"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Ds3yl7YjVyM&hl=en_US&fs=1&"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Ds3yl7YjVyM&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" height="385" width="400"></embed></object></span>words...words...words...http://www.blogger.com/profile/02441563723665841808noreply@blogger.com3