Wednesday, April 29, 2009

I'm Very Good At It When I'm Alone

While I never sing in public, I frequently put on bravura performances in my car or in the privacy of my own apartment. Total showstoppers. I'm really quite talented when no one is looking or able to verify it.

But even when I am alone, I have trouble singing certain songs. If the lyrics are especially stupid, then I can barely get them out of my mouth. They're so inane that I even embarrass myself.

For your listening pleasure and horror, here are Five Songs I Can Barely Sing Even All By Myself:

"The Reflex" - Duran Duran

What a great song. And I have absolutely no idea what it means.

Sample lyric:
The reflex is an only child he's waiting in the park/
The reflex is in charge of finding treasure in the dark/
And watching over lucky clover isn't that bizarre/
Every little thing the reflex does/Leaves you answered with a question mark

"Abacab" - Genesis
This song makes "The Reflex" look positively lucid.

Sample lyric:
look up on the wall, there on the floor/under the pillow, behind the door
there's a crack in the mirror/somewhere there's a hole in window pane
do you think I'm to blame/tell me do you think I'm to blame

"Wild Side" - Motley Crue
Hair metal is THE genre for awesome songs with dumb lyrics. The Crue are no exception.

Sample lyric:
our father/who ain't in heaven/plead thy name on the wild side/
holy mary/mother may i/pray for us on the wild side
a baby cries/a cop dies/a day's pay on the wild side

"Crazy Bitch" - Buckcherry
This might be the filthiest song on my iTunes. And I have over 6,000 songs. But it also rocks. It's like the best Aerosmith song that Aerosmith never made.

Sample lyric:

Note: This is the most hilarious homemade video I've ever seen.

"Make Love Like A Man" - Def Leppard
This spot was almost occupied by "Pour Some Sugar On Me" until I realized that I can't in good conscience slam the lyrics when I have no idea what 75% of them are. Still, this list could easily be composed entirely of Def Leppard songs. I once saw an interview where Joe Elliott said that their lyrics are written to match the melody, not to make sense. It shows.

Sample lyric:
make love like a man/I'm a man/that's what I am
I'm the one/I'm Mr. Fun/I'm Captain Cool/and I've come for you

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Seven Word Sunday: Philly Cheesesteak

Steak, cheese, grilled onions, roll. Mmm, authentic.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Something About The Gutter And The Stars...

Yesterday was the last day of filming on my current job, and today is my last day on the lot I've practically lived at since December. I don't know why I'm associating the end of things with a bathroom...that's for a licensed mental health professional to decide. But I thought that immortalizing the view out of the bathroom window would be a fitting way to go out.

To drop some metaphor on you...even when you're in the bathroom, sometimes the view is pretty good.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

The Tweet Hereafter

According to an article in this month's National Geographic, Twitter is not new. Recent discoveries of records from the past indicate that people with short attention spans from previous generations were also able to tweet to their heart's content. Here is a sampling of some tweets that the research turned up:

Going 2 theater, BBL
- Abraham Lincoln

Got a new job...captain of an unsinkable ship! Just need ice for my drink and I'm all good.
- Captain Edward John Smith

IM winning by so much I can tweet during my race. Dude with gay mustache looks mad.
- Jesse Owens

We've heard the last from these doods. USA FTW!
- Gen. Norman Schwartzkopf

I WIN! Looking at carpet swatches atm.
- Thomas Dewey

Romans are hassling ppl, going to this garden Judas knows to chill and stay under the radar.
- Jesus

This stand will B my best yet!
- Gen. George Custer

Bunch of peeps in boats and funny hats came 2 call. Seem friendly. One is kinda hot.
- Pocahontas

Got a great spot to see Prez. One street sign in the way but it shouldn't matter much.
- Abraham Zapruder

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Actual Conversations With Real People, Vol. 5

Welcome to another installment of Actual Conversations With Real People, in which...well, you know. Today's real person is a co-worker.

Co-worker: "I need a knife. You look like a guy who always has a knife handy, do you have one I can use?"

Me: "What does THAT mean?"


Me: "Yeah, here, use my Swiss Army knife."

- FIN -

It's Not Exactly Happy Little Trees

I started to write something here and then I decided it was totally unacceptable and deleted it. I really need to start posting more often though, so I will waste a post teaching you how to draw Homer Simpson with your keyboard:


I can see the blog awards rolling in from here.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Seven Word Sunday: Filet Mignon

Filet with sauteed onions and oven fries.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Actual Conversations With Real People, Vol. 4

Welcome to another installment of Actual Conversations With Real People! As always, this is an actual conversation I had with a real person. Today's real person is an AT&T customer service representative.

Me: "Hi. I lost my phone bill and I wonder if you could send me a new one."

AT&T Flunky: "Certainly, sir. I'll need to ask you a few questions to verify your identity. First I'll need your home phone number."

Me: "Sure. XXX-XXX-XXXX"

AT&T Flunky: "Thank you. Next I need the name on the account."

Me: "Of course. Words Words Words."

AT&T Flunky: "Thank you. Now last I just need your customer code. You can find it on the upper right hand side of your bill."

Me: (Looks at camera bemusedly like Tim/Jim in The Office)

- FIN -

Ed. Note: The first time I called I got hung up on, and they also CHARGED ME FIVE DOLLARS to send a replacement bill. I was told I could avoid the charge by viewing and paying my bill online, but setting up an online account requires...wait for it...the customer code number! And since this is my first phone bill, I can't fish out an old bill and look it up. The lesson? Don't lose your phone bill.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Untitled No More

Welcome to the ONE HUNDREDTH POST of your favorite source for nonsense, Untitled Blogger Project words...words...words...!

I wanted to do something cool for my 100th post, and it turns out that "something cool" meant completely re-design and re-title my blog. This was the title I originally had in mind when I started the blog, but the exact web address was not available. I didn't want a blog title that I couldn't have a matching web address for, so I went with "Untitled Blogger Project". It was supposed to be a play on the way movie scripts are titled when they don't have a real title yet. That's also why I was using that lame Courier font that I never liked. But the theme never really came across.

I can hear none of you asking, "So what does the name mean, anyway?" There was an episode of Beavis & Butt-Head where Butt-Head was making a vain attempt to concentrate on his reading. As he went along he mumbled, "words...words...words..." I remembered it because it was funny, and when the internet came around, I thought it aptly described the experience of reading online. People indifferently reading nondescript material that often didn't deserve much more. I imagined people reading my nondescript undeserving blog indifferently, and a name was born.

In a few days, I'm going to change the web address to reflect the new title. So in case you're one of those masochists that reads my blog on a regular basis, I'll come back and edit this post to list the new web address you can punch into your web reading tracking thingy of choice.

Thanks, and I hope you like the new blog!

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Seven Word Sunday: Smoky Pork Pappardelle

Pork. Smoke. Salt. Apple. Tender. Pasta. Goodness.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Civic Pride

I have an ugly car.

There, I said it. It's true. I have a Honda Civic, and I love it to death. I've had it almost 5 years and it's never given me a single day's trouble. But Lord almighty, it is ugly. It's this godawful color that Honda calls "Inca Pearl" and I call "Electric Dijon". When I bought the car, I got a very nice price - the dealer said that it sat on the lot longer than usual because no one wanted that color. The upside is that the color is so bold and unique that it is very easy to find my car in a giant stadium parking lot. I usually spot it right away, and if I don't I can just follow the hoots and catcalls. "Who the hell would buy a car that looks like that?"

Now, when you have such a uniquely colored car, you tend to notice similar cars. There are very few Hondas in Electric Dijon, but I have noticed over the years that there is a car in my town of the exact same make, model and color. This car is my car's doppelganger. I have seen it driving around, I've seen it parked, and on one glorious occasion I came out of the Rite-Aid to see it parked right next to mine! I considered waiting for the owner to come out so we could tell tales and sing songs of our unique bond, but after about 30 seconds I realized that I would rather be home watching TV.

Which brings me to the point of my post. Today my car's doppelganger showed itself again! I was at Ralphs getting a prescription filled and I came out to find the elusive phantom in gold not far from my own car. Much like the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot or a banana muffin unsullied by walnuts, this required photographic proof to be believed. Behold! The Twin Ugly Hondas!

Monday, April 6, 2009

The G-Chat Diaries, Vol. 4

If you are a sensitive, decent non-blaspheming reader, turn around right now and come back tomorrow.

If you are the person that calls the FCC when Janet Jackson shows a boob or someone drops the F-bomb,
go read Ziggy.


You might go to hell just for reading this.

I warned you.

Last chance.

I wash my hands of this.

Chatter X: Haha, I just went to Poobomber's blog and the Insultatron said "I caught Chatter X and Jesus

Me: OMG. You are way dirtier than me. SHAME.

Chatter X: Why?

Me: You were fucking Jesus!

Chatter X: I was young, and I needed the money!

Me: HE PAID YOU? You were Jesus' whore?!

Chatter X: Hahaha.

Me: Actually, I guess that makes you Mary Magdalene.

Chatter X: There has to be a t-shirt that says "I'm a whore for Jesus."

Me: See, I would think somebody as famous as Jesus would try to skip out without paying, like you should be
happy for it.

Chatter X: You're going to hell!

Me: I didn't do it!

Chatter X: Jesus is no welcher.

Me: So I'm going to hell for calling him a welcher, but you're not for fucking him for money.

Chatter X: I'm POOR!!! Fucking economy.

Me: I'm poor too, you don't see me fucking Mary.

Me: Okay, NOW I'm going to hell.

Chatter X: Hehe. "Am I going to hell yet?" "Wait...nnnnnnnnow you are."

Chatter X: I can't quite believe we're actually having this conversation.

Me: Me neither. I hope my aunt the nun isn't reading this.

Chatter X: hahahaha

Me: I think if I made this a "Chatter X" post the internet would blow up.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Seven Word Sunday: Gnocchi

Ricotta gnocchi made from a KimDeC recipe!

Friday, April 3, 2009

To Boldly Go

I had an exhilarating experience at work the other day. One that neither I or my coworkers will soon forget.

I'd arrived at work and set up my computer only to find that I had left my power supply at home. My battery is on its last legs and has been averaging only an hour per charge, so I let out an aggravated string of profanity as I realized I'd have to travel back home for the power supply. I figured I might as well work on battery power to check my email and go through my morning routine before heading home again. After about 45 minutes, the battery meter was down to 7% and I knew my time was short.

But a funny thing happened. The meter hovered at 7% for a few minutes. And then a little longer. Soon it was a full half hour with the meter still reading 7%. And that's when I realized that something special was happening. The ancient battery was exceeding all expectations, heading toward an hour and a half of power with time apparently standing still. I had been ready to shut down and make the trip home, but I felt a strange compulsion to see this miracle through to the end. I adjusted my computer's power setting to "Long Life" just to see how far I could ride this baby out. I then alerted my coworkers to what was going on, and we all soon felt a stake in what was happening.

My experience was reminiscent of the Seinfeld episode where Kramer test drives a car. He and the salesman realize the car's gas tank is near empty, but they drive on through the night, daring the car to quit on them. Their own special experience is captured here:

The plucky battery raged against the dying of the light for THREE FULL HOURS, two hours longer than expected. There was nothing left to prove. I nodded with respect and whispered, "That'll do, pig" as I selected "Full Power" from the power settings. The battery expired in a matter of moments.

I then set about driving home to retrieve my power supply. But none of us will forget the thrill of pushing far beyond our natural boundaries and turning our fear into exhilaration. You don't forget a day that changes you.