You know what I get in the mail? Trash.
Supermarket circular? Trash.
20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon? Trash.
Jury summons? Trash.
But I got a piece of mail recently that was more than trash. It was an affront to decency.
It was a plea from the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. I made a donation to them once, approximately 86 years ago. I'm pretty sure that's before lymphoma was even invented. In the intervening years, they have spent my entire donation sending me mailers soliciting further donation. The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, like many charities, includes return address labels in their mailings to guilt you into donating. However, they make the mistake of including "Ziggy" themed return address labels. Sending a letter with a "Ziggy" return address label is code for "My penis sued for emancipation and won." Consequently, I am not sure whether this is to be interpreted as a sarcastic and pointed gesture designed to punish me for not donating, or an ignorant yet sincere attempt to curry my favor. Either way, it is an unadulterated failure.
Regardless, the dilemma for me remains. Should I use these labels? To throw them away would be wasteful. However, to use them is to acknowledge that I enjoy cock. I am caught, much like the titular Ziggy frequently finds himself, between a rock and a hard place. I fear the answer is beyond my powers of deduction. However, one message shines brightly like a beacon amid the darkness - do not donate to charity.