Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Return To Sender

You know what I get in the mail? Trash.

Supermarket circular? Trash.

20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon? Trash.

Jury summons? Trash.

But I got a piece of mail recently that was more than trash. It was an affront to decency.

It was a plea from the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. I made a donation to them once, approximately 86 years ago. I'm pretty sure that's before lymphoma was even invented. In the intervening years, they have spent my entire donation sending me mailers soliciting further donation. The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, like many charities, includes return address labels in their mailings to guilt you into donating. However, they make the mistake of including "Ziggy" themed return address labels. Sending a letter with a "Ziggy" return address label is code for "My penis sued for emancipation and won." Consequently, I am not sure whether this is to be interpreted as a sarcastic and pointed gesture designed to punish me for not donating, or an ignorant yet sincere attempt to curry my favor. Either way, it is an unadulterated failure.

Regardless, the dilemma for me remains. Should I use these labels? To throw them away would be wasteful. However, to use them is to acknowledge that I enjoy cock. I am caught, much like the titular Ziggy frequently finds himself, between a rock and a hard place. I fear the answer is beyond my powers of deduction. However, one message shines brightly like a beacon amid the darkness - do not donate to charity.

21 metawords:

MJenks said...

Hmmm...I'd say don't use them. You never know who might get upset and offended by having a return mailing address sticker affixed to their envelope featuring a character who is chronically pantsless.

Ivy said...

Just festoon them all with word bubbles reading "Christ what an asshole," and you'll be golden.

Fancy Schmancy said...

Maybe only send them to people you hate or when you're paying the bill for your GLAD membership.

BeckEye said...

Use them. Put them on everything. Including your penis.

Dr Zibbs said...

Oh how I hate that Ziggy

red said...

This drives me crazy...that charities spend, like, double your onetime donation sending you crap. No wonder nothing good ever comes from being good.

Trinity said...

Just cut the Ziggy off and you have free labels. Never toss these. They do no one any good in the garbage so at least you get some use out of them.

Gwen said...

86 years ago? Cheese and rice, how OLD are you?! You age well, my handsome friend.

Use them on the envelopes for your donations to the Gay and Lesbian Foundation.

Cora said...

Christ, isn't Ziggy dead yet????

I say cut Ziggy off, throw him away and use the rest. Or alter Ziggy with doodles of mohawks, cigarettes, hookers, whatever. Heh heh heh. (And if you do that, I wanna see the proof!)

words...words...words... said...

Jenks: On the contrary, Ziggy's lack of pants is the one thing about the character that accurately represents me.

Ivy: Elephants must ask you to jog their memory :)

Fancy: You've given me an idea. Nuisance mail to people I hate!

BeckEye: Good idea. Then if it turns out I have a detachable penis, it will always find its way home.

Zibbs: ME TOO. Christ, what an asshole.

Red: I know! I've decided to just start being a dick. All the time. It works for Brett Favre!

Trinity: You win. It's so simple and genius. I am in your debt, sir.

Gwen: I'm 137. Would you like to come over and see my monocle collection?

Cora: Your idea is every bit as good as Trinity's. I think I see a new blog post coming later this week.

The Diva on a Diet said...

I love you for using detachable penis in your comment here ... and I'll adore you forever if you follow Cora's suggestion as well.

Mr London Street said...

This is so true. I give money to "Help The Aged" (on the basis that, hopefully, I will get old at some point) and they appear to spend all of it producing and printing snazzy brochures specifically asking me to donate more money. I have enough of them by now to wallpaper the Vatican.

Soda and Candy said...

If you use them without paying the charity, you go straight to Hell, where you will be forced to read Ziggy comics for all eternity.

I'll save you a seat in my handbasket.
; )

Anonymous said...

I don't know of a single cock-lover who is into Ziggy. You must be thinking of some other group...perhaps really old people?

You could always use them, but graffiti them up. Ziggy could use a pig nose and a mohawk, right?

Living Shallow, Living Well said...

I am the same way! I get them in the mail and always send a check because I feel so guilty.

To becca again. said...

I laughed like a hyena when I saw that return label and then was faced with two elderly people who desperately wanted to know what was so funny and who would never understand why. I'd like to see you define irony, sum up Ziggy, and convey the subtle nuances of WordsxThree's personality and worldview to two people over the age of 76 who both have short attention spans. Furthermore, upon realizing I was in a situation where I'd have to define irony, sum up Ziggy, and describe you, in brief, I started laughing harder.

me again said...

And Ivy, hello! Now I'm smiling about, "Christ, what an asshole."

That was brilliant.

ÄsK AliCë said...

I agree with the hookers and cigarette doodles. Oh and send me a letter with one, or you know at least take a picture of one because sending a letter would be effort-y.

(PS - hai! Remember me?)

words...words...words... said...

Diva: You'll love the new entry then.

MLS: I applaud your canny method of choosing a charity.

S&C: Even God is not so cruel!

Tales: You'll love the new entry too.

Living Shallow: So YOU'RE the reason we all get them! Fie on you!

Rebecca: This is why I write a blog. To make girls laugh and old people uncomfortable.

Alice: Hai! You too will enjoy the new entry. (And yes, I do.)

Anonymous said...

Don't throw away the BBB coupons - they never expire, man!

Lula Dahl said...

You know, I love the idea of you defacing Ziggy, but you could just cut Ziggy off and use your name and address. Just an idea.