Several years ago, Ben & Jerry's held a contest to invent a new holiday ice cream flavor. I'm always up for a creative challenge, especially one I get to eat. I submitted what I thought...nay, what I knew was a superb flavor. Brown sugar cinnamon ice cream with tiny gingerbread men and a caramel swirl. I dubbed it Gingerbread Man. Time passed, and a winner (not me) was declared. The inferior flavor that tasted victory has been lost to the mists of time, but it wasn't as good as Gingerbread Man. And that's not just my opinion. Do you know who else thought so? Ben & Jerry.
That's right. The next Christmas season, Ben & Jerry introduced a new holiday flavor. They called it Festivus, after the fictional holiday created by Frank Costanza on Seinfeld. "What kind of ice cream was Festivus?", I can hear you asking. Festivus, dear reader, was brown sugar cinnamon ice cream with gingerbread pieces and a ginger caramel swirl. They used gingerbread pieces instead of gingerbread men and added ginger to the caramel swirl. That makes it totally different, right? I actually wrote them to complain, but never heard back. I'm not sure, but I think that might have had something to do with the slightly irritated tone of my letter:
Dear Thieving Pigfuckers,
I was dismayed to see that your new flavor Festivus bears a striking similarity to a flavor I submitted last year for your holiday flavor contest. Festivus is, with two minor changes, the exact same flavor I submitted as Gingerbread Man. I thought that Ben & Jerry's was a shining beacon for those who thought you could make a lot of money and still be a good corporate citizen. Now I see that you are just one more group of baby-eating wraiths that enjoy wearing heavy cloaks and masturbating to organ music.
Please send coupons for free ice cream.
Yours in Christ,
Words Words Words
Too much?
16 metawords:
Yeah...that seems just a TOUCH too similar if you ask me. I say kill them! I'd be pissed off too.
I take issue at your letter though. Surely Ben & Jerry would be more "cowfuckers"?
Oh, that's awesome. I love how after all those insults you still remembered to say 'please' for the coupons. Nice.
Not too much....not at all.
No shit! That happened to my daughter! MGA held a contest for girls to design new Bratz Dolls a couple years ago. My daughter's idea? Bratz Mermaidz. She drew the pictures and the accessories and everything and submitted it. She was not the winner. But guess what MGA started selling a year later? Uh-huh. Bratz Mermaidz. Bastards.
I knew they weren't real hippies! Have you seen Ben lately? He looks like Dick Cheney trying to infiltrate a Grateful Dead concert.
Ben & Jerry are cunts.
Also, their ice cream is too expensive.
Those bastids!
I have contacts, you know ... I can have them knee-capped and then sent for a swim in concrete wellies ... just say the word
I love you.
a-ha! I found you again.
Not that I was looking really hard... but I just noticed that you had not posted in a while and I was just wondering...
Ah, whatever. I am secretly in love with you. Does that sound better?
Thieving bastards! The important thing is that you signed the letter: "In Christ." Bwah!
Festivus is such a retarded name. Gingerbread Man was way better. And I might have to steal the "Yours in Christ" sign off.
Wow. I have stumbled upon the key to being loved! All future entries will include references to ice cream and a tremendous amount of profanity.
Right? Ice cream is the key.
I just want you to know that I wrote my ice cream post way before you posted yours.
Please tell me you sent that.
I am shocked. Really. Because, like you, I would have never expected this from them.
Did you get the coupons?
"Thieving Pigfuckers" was genius, BTW.
I do not trust you
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