Several years ago, Ben & Jerry's held a contest to invent a new holiday ice cream flavor. I'm always up for a creative challenge, especially one I get to eat. I submitted what I thought...nay, what I knew was a superb flavor. Brown sugar cinnamon ice cream with tiny gingerbread men and a caramel swirl. I dubbed it Gingerbread Man. Time passed, and a winner (not me) was declared. The inferior flavor that tasted victory has been lost to the mists of time, but it wasn't as good as Gingerbread Man. And that's not just my opinion. Do you know who else thought so? Ben & Jerry.
That's right. The next Christmas season, Ben & Jerry introduced a new holiday flavor. They called it Festivus, after the fictional holiday created by Frank Costanza on Seinfeld. "What kind of ice cream was Festivus?", I can hear you asking. Festivus, dear reader, was brown sugar cinnamon ice cream with gingerbread pieces and a ginger caramel swirl. They used gingerbread pieces instead of gingerbread men and added ginger to the caramel swirl. That makes it totally different, right? I actually wrote them to complain, but never heard back. I'm not sure, but I think that might have had something to do with the slightly irritated tone of my letter:
Dear Thieving Pigfuckers,
I was dismayed to see that your new flavor Festivus bears a striking similarity to a flavor I submitted last year for your holiday flavor contest. Festivus is, with two minor changes, the exact same flavor I submitted as Gingerbread Man. I thought that Ben & Jerry's was a shining beacon for those who thought you could make a lot of money and still be a good corporate citizen. Now I see that you are just one more group of baby-eating wraiths that enjoy wearing heavy cloaks and masturbating to organ music.
Please send coupons for free ice cream.
Yours in Christ,
Words Words Words
Too much?
