Thursday, May 28, 2009

Blogger's Little Helper

As anyone who pays attention to this blog has noticed (yes, both of you), I haven't had anything to write about lately. I've spent two weeks writing cheat entries like posting (bad) pictures of (good) food.

I've gone nearly four days without an entry of any kind, and this must stop. I've decided that my blog needs performance enhancing drugs. Not steroids...I can't really see how those would improve my creativity unless my outlet was sculpting giant blocks of wood with an axe. But something.

I couldn't decide on the right drug for me, so I evaluated several possibilities.

For writers, alcoholism has always just been a part of the job description. Rappers are misogynists, movie directors are coke fiends, and writers drink themselves to death. It's just what's done. Who am I to ignore the example set by Hemingway, Joyce, Capote or any of the multitude of others?

Pros: Gets you drunk. Makes you happy (for a while.)

Cons: Gets you drunk. Makes you happy (for a while.)

Conclusion: Writing is not fun, even for writers. Drinking makes you want to have fun. Not a good fit.

There is no great history of dope-smoking writers, the Beat generation excepted. And their output leads one to conclude that there is also no history of great dope-smoking writers. Furthermore, marijuana does not seem to inspire creativity aside from inventing a bushel of legitimate uses for hemp in the hope of fooling people into thinking the legalization movement is really about durable pants and strong rope. So why did I include marijuana in this evaluation? Because words...words...words... was bestowed with a generous honorarium from Woody Harrelson, Snoop Dogg, and a preponderance of Black Crowes.

Pros: Generous honorarium. Easily obtainable, especially in California.

Cons: Inspires nothing but the fortitude to sit through an entire Sanford And Son marathon on TV Land.

Conclusion: I would have to be high to think pot is the answer.

Crystal meth is the current darling of joke writers, probably because most of its enthusiasts are rather comical in ways that have nothing to do with drugs. Meth flourishes in dusty, dry small towns that offer no better entertainment than driving around and playing mailbox baseball or trying to score with your best friend's fifteen-year-old cousin. In other words, Nebraska, Texas and California. Meth makes you rob your family, makes your teeth fall out, and turns your skin into saddlebags. So while it has no direct link to creativity, meth cultivates the kind of rock-bottom despondence that often inspires great art.

Pros: Drags you from the middle class to the life of a toothless streetwalking junkie, thus attracting the attention of Hollywood producers.

Cons: Limited wardrobe consists mainly of wifebeaters, Lee jeans, and John Deere caps.

Conclusion: Crystal meth addiction represents a one-in-a-million shot to be the guy who finally becomes the Bukowski of trailer park drugs. In other words, even if you win, you lose.

After reviewing the available options, I have yet to find the right performance enhancing drug for my blog. I'll have to just keep slogging away like I'm walking in thigh high mud. In the meantime, dear readers, drug suggestions are more than welcome.

18 metawords:

Morgan the Muse said...

I give the obvious answer... LSD? Or is that only for music?
And the meth thing, you forgot Missouri. Those fools..

Soda and Candy said...

Hahahaa. I vote for the pink pills they gave me when I had tendonitis. Something like Vicodin.

Pros: they make you very happy & garrulous

Cons: You don't realize until the person you're talking to looks at you suspiciously and says "Are you HIGH?"

Cora said...

A good ole sugar high is what does it for me, Words.

Might I suggest a pint of Phish Food with some Pixie Sticks sprinkled over the top? That ought to inspire.... something.

Some Guy said...

I swear by crack cocaine. It's cheap, non-addictive, and has virtually no downside. If you check my blog, I think you'll find the results speak for themselves.

Nej said...

I'm with Cora and vote for sugar. Pour mountain dew into a tumbler. Add pixie stick. Drink immediately.

Rinse, repeat. :-)

red said...


The Diva on a Diet said...

"Crystal meth is the current darling of joke writers ..."

Is it wrong that this sentence made me laugh out loud? No? Good.

When you find the right drug, score me some too. I'm completely uninspired of late.

Trinity said...

I recommend high concentrations of sugar. It will get you typing so fast you don't even know what you are writing.

Pros: It is legal and cheap.

Cons: Cavities but who needs teeth.

Girl Interrupted said...

I can vouch for Trinity's suggestion, he once wrote a post whilst under the influence of an almighty sugar rush and it was simply hilarious ... I felt exhausted just reading it

You could go gothic and try absinthe or opium? But you have to wear a scarlet, satin smoking jacket and matching cap whilst you do it

Or you could just post a pic of yourself in said smoking jacket and cap ...

words...words...words... said...

Wow, it looks like sugar is the way to go. Although I DO have a bottle of absinthe I smuggled back as a souvenir of my time in Canada. I thought of it as a conversation piece, but maybe I should give it a go...

I actually have always wanted a scarlet smoking jacket. But I want velvet, not satin. And alas, but all Blogworld gets to see of me is the corner of my face and one eye. I don't want any of you people to be able to identify me in court.

Anonymous said...

Too bad some of us know what you look like, huh...? DUNDUNDUNNNNN..

Why do you need to enhance your performance? Good God man, you don't have to be SUPER BLOGGER OF THE YEAR or anything, write when you damn well please. I promise to be satisfied with that.

And a bleabl to you, too.

Soda and Candy said...

Well don't you take absinthe with sugar anyway? Also, when you drink it, Kylie Minogue appears.

Rebecca said...

You should figure out the right drugs for your readers. Then you could post the same damn picture of fries every night and there would be 42 people typing things like, "Whoa, so cool," and, "I'll grant you sexual favors if you cook for me."

Anonymous said...

I find that a few margaritas makes me all kinds of chatty and ready to write - the downside is, nothing that results makes any sense and sounds like it came from a demented person (which it sort of does). But it's sure fun while it lasts!

I got some great pills once when I was nervous about a flight. The doc gave them to me. They didn't make me think of things to write about but I saw some freakishly funny things in the airport and when we hit some big turbulence over the Atlantic, I laughed and said to the lady next to me who, I kid you not, was clutching a bible, "That's totally JESUS shaking the PLANE!" She was less amused than I, I seem to remember...

Gwen said...

I suggest listening to Huey Lewis' I Need A New Drug on a loop. You'll either find a suggestionin the lyrics or drive yourself mad. Either way I see creativity in it.

180|360 said...

I think you must be smoking crack to even write such a post! Your writing is 10% better than mine; funnier, more timely, a little bit wacky. Forget the drugs, my friend. But sugar????? Sugar is for kids.

180|360 said...

WHOOPS. That was supposed to say 100%. I swear I have not been drinking. *yet* :)

words...words...words... said...

I'm certain that 10% is far closer to the truth :)