Wednesday, February 4, 2009

How To Get Divorced

Valentine's Day can be a special day to show your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend/booty call/drunk hookup/blog crush/best friend who doesn't like you that way how much you care. All too often though, marketers crassly co-opt the legacy of Saint V and try to sell you something you would otherwise never purchase by branding it as the perfect Valentine's Day gift.

This morning I saw the most shameless example I can remember. A television commercial proudly touted the DVD release of Disney's Space Buddies as "the perfect Valentine's Day gift." This begs a multitude of questions, chief among them "Uh, what?" and "Are you fucking kidding me?" Space Buddies is about puppies that become astronauts. No, really. Frankly, I can see only one situation in which Space Buddies is the perfect Valentine's Day gift. And that's the kind of situation where you have to tell the police every time you move and you aren't allowed to live near a school.

I imagined a scenario in which a husband took the advice of this commercial and gifted his wife with Space Buddies.


FADE IN
HUSBAND
Honey, I'm home!

WIFE
Welcome home, dear! Happy Valentine's Day! I've
made your favorite dinner, pot roast! I've been
cooking it all day long.

HUSBAND
Aw, baby, you're the greatest! I've got something
special for you, too!

WIFE
It's not your dick in a box again, is it?

HUSBAND
No, honey, this year I got it right!

WIFE
(squealing)
I'm so excited!

The wife opens the DVD and her face registers puzzlement followed by shock followed by anger. She calmly walks over to the stove, lifts the dutch oven full of pot roast, and dumps it on the husband's head.

WIFE
There's bologna and cheese in the fridge, Romeo.
I'm going to my mother's.

FADE TO BLACK

15 metawords:

Dr Zibbs said...

Hysterical!!!!

Rebecca said...

Although you refer to DVDs, "dick in a box", Space Buddies and more recent child predator laws, you're mentally occupying the late 50s.

Cora said...

HA HA HA! Yeah, I think I might be a tad perplexed if I got Space Buddies for Valentine's Day. Just a tad. I'd certainly wonder what the hell he was trying to tell me!!

Soooo, ASKITI, hmm? Ass Kitty. Am I right? Ass Kitty!! I'm almost afraid what it will come up with next. And yet I can't wait to see.... :-)

momcat said...

She probably would have preferred the box of meat. I'm thinking that its probably the gift for mommies to give to their kids for valentines. Single mommies do that you know.

SouthernBelle said...

Hahahahhaa, yeah there is something wrong with a man who would seriously give this movie as a Valentine's gift. And not least because it looks like the worst movie since Karate Dog.

...Wait, what? Mums are giving presents to their kids for Valentine's Day? Sorry, I find that disturbing.

red said...

Hilarious.

There is a physical trainer on my street with a sign outside saying "Fitness! The perfect Valentine's Gift!" Like if a dude gave his lady friend a gift certificate for some personal training sessions he'd ever live to see Feb. 15th.

BeckEye said...

Puppies that become astronauts? If some guy DOESN'T get me that for V-day, someone's getting a head full o' stew. That movie sounds awesome!

And maybe that helps to explain why I'm still single.

Kimizzy said...

"..that's the kind of situation where you have to tell the police every time you move and you aren't allowed to live near a school."

So wrong, but so right at the same time. And I think this was one of those rare moments for me where I laughed out loud and then felt kinda bad about it immediately after. Then I giggled and farted and was over it.

This was very entertaining :)

Lisa said...

lmao. can you blame the girl?

Candy's daily Dandy said...

AHHAAHAHAHAAA!

Amen to that sister!

Gwen said...

I was going to take this opportunity to make fun of the pajamagram I keep hearing about on the radio but I went to the site to pick up the link and found they are actually cute. So never mind.

miss amy said...

lmao! Definately give me the dick in a box!

Rachael said...

I had almost the same reaction when I saw Space Buddies touted as the perfect Valentine's Day gift, only I thought, "Great, junior league cheerleaders aren't enough? Now Wally world is helping the pedophiles?"
Also, dick in a box is a GREAT gift.

Kimmie said...

DIAB, please. But you have to sing the song too!

Falwless said...

Dude I can't stop laughing at this excerpt: Frankly, I can see only one situation in which Space Buddies is the perfect Valentine's Day gift. And that's the kind of situation where you have to tell the police every time you move and you aren't allowed to live near a school.