Monday, February 9, 2009

How I Suck In The Kitchen

Last weekend I was making macaroni and cheese and committed a grievous error. The proper procedure is to pour the macaroni mixture into the pan, lay down a layer of cheese, and then add the bread crumbs on top.

I was dividing my attention between the task at hand and a football game, and my absent-mindedness led to the bread crumbs being carefully layered on top of the macaroni mixture before the cheese went on. I was kind of screwed. You can't just add the cheese on top, because the bread crumbs, entombed beneath a layer of cheese, will get soggy instead of crispy. You can't just add the cheese and then more bread crumbs, or there will be altogther too many bread crumbs. And finally, it's practically impossible to pick up the bread crumbs by hand.

I was stumped.

Inspiration, however, soon struck.

I was vacuuming up stray bread crumbs on the floor when it came to me - if the vacuum picks up bread crumbs off the floor, it might pick them up off the macaroni! In the words of every terrible movie, it was just crazy enough to work. I thoroughly cleaned and disinfected the wand attachment (I added this part so I don't get fifty comments that say "ewwww gross!"), slid it on the vacuum, and went to town. It worked like a dream. Honestly. The macaroni mixture was just heavy enough to stay put while all but a few bread crumbs lost their grip and got sucked into the black hole of my Hoover (I added this part so I DO get fifty comments containing oral sex jokes.) The dish was saved!

The lesson? Don't watch football while cooking, kids. And add "vacuum cleaner" to the list of useful kitchen gadgets.

Edit: After posting this and reading it over, I realized that there will be LOTS more sex jokes about "disinfecting the wand attachment" than there will be about "getting sucked into the black hole of my Hoover".

17 metawords:

Dr Zibbs said...

I was making a caserole last week and ran across a mac and cheese recipe where you put some bread crumbs on the bottom.

Sounds crazy.

Anonymous said...

I don't know dearie, I'm weird. For me, the sex jokes (in this case the word "jokes" means "offers") ensue as soon as a man is cooking. He doesn't even need a vacuum cleaner to inspire me.

Glad your mac & cheese was saved.

SouthernBelle said...

Here's your problem: breadcrumbs don't belong in mac & cheese at all. The top crust should be made of pure cheese.

[begin slew of sex jokes about pure cheese]

The Diva on a Diet said...

I'm so stunned by your ingenuity that I'm at a loss for appropriately sexual jokes. I'm speechless ... other than to offer you kudos on your imaginative solution. Well done!

red said...

Well, Alton Brown always says you shouldn't have any uni-taskers in your kitchen.

I can't think of any good jokes about hoovering your disinfected wand. Sorry.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

That shows some excellent kitchen grace under pressure. Well done sir!

Gwen said...

Couldn't you have just rinsed the macaroni? Maybe I'm missing something.

words words words said...

It wasn't just macaroni, it was macaroni in a roux with cheese, so it was all gloppy. Then more cheese goes on top, then the bread crumbs.

TishTash said...

Clearly we're talking about mac and cheese that doesn't come in a packet.


Grown-ups live here.

Cora said...

Yeah, that was a sex-laden cooking post, Words. I don't know if I'm hungry or horny now. Hmm.

Bright idea though! :-)

BeckEye said...

I don't suck in the kitchen, I just toss salads.

words words words said...

Wow. I think based on the responses here, I'm going to go to an all-sex innuendo food blog format. I should be able to get a few months just out of sausages and shellfish.

Wow, no one has ever accused me of being an adult, either. That's a little too much to live up to.

And finally, thank you Beckeye, for sullying my blog once again with your crude sense of "humor".

No, really, thank you :)

Candy's daily Dandy said...

That was truly a most brilliant idea!! I will have to remember that one.

So how did the post-coital meal turn out anyway?

ÄsK AliCë said...

What is it about homemade mac and cheese that inspires screw-ups?

~E said...

In the grand scheme of kitchen screw ups, that isn't even in the top ten. The top ten usually includes something catching on fire, or something blowing up, or someone having to call the ambulance on themselves.

However, using the vacuum cleaner to save a dish? Priceless.

Anonymous said...

This is AWESOME! I'm laughing so hard. It would have never occurred to me! If not for the comments, imagine how many google hits your get for "disinfecting wand attachment"!

Love the title of the post, too!

180/360 said...

Why have I not been reading you (and your funny commenters) lately? I need to laugh more.

Frankly, I'm just impressed that you know how to make a roux.