Friday, February 6, 2009

Feel The Hate

Have you ever wondered why the ratings for television shows rarely have any correlation whatsoever to their quality? I used to as well. Not any more.

I was out shopping with my friend Amanda and I was finished in the store before she was. This was the day that I learned Amanda could spend hours shopping just for the hell of it, and resolved never to go shopping with her for anything ever again. Unless she buys me an Orange Julius.

I didn't feel like hanging out in the store for her to be done, so I went outside and sat down. Across the street and directly in my line of sight was a billboard (pictured below) for the show Burn Notice, which I hadn't heard of before. I sat there waiting for Amanda and getting more irritable with every minute that passed, with only this billboard to look at.


I couldn't just leave like I wanted to, because she was my ride. I was trapped. My irritability boiled over and soon transferred to the billboard as I became increasingly angry with the people pictured. "Look at that smug asshole with his condescending smirk and his sunglasses and his cufflinks," I thought. "Who the hell does he think he is? Does he think he's BETTER than me?" I then carried on an internal monologue of things he would likely say, all in an inexplicably whiny voice. "Oh, look at me, I'm so cool! I work in Miami and wear a suit and have a pool to stand in! Don't you wish you were like me, fatty? I could probably have sex with this girl right now, but I don't have to because there is a never-ending stream of strippers and Miami Dolphins cheerleaders trying to give me their number!" I imagined the girl next to him with the bratty little-sister pose thoughtfully adding, "YEAH!"

Forty-five minutes later when Amanda finally emerged from the store, I not only never wanted to watch this show, I wanted to spray paint a thought bubble on the billboard that said "I AM GAY."

The point of this story is that when you're alone with something for an extended period of time, you will begin to hate it. I imagine that my time with the billboard is a microcosm of why many marriages fail.

"Good morning, dear."
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT'S HOLY, CAN I EVER GET A MINUTE ALONE TO READ THE PAPER WITHOUT YOU SCREECHING AT ME?"

I'm told by more open-minded friends who've actually seen Burn Notice that not only is it pretty good, but also sort of a comedy. So, fuckface up there wasn't really being smug, he was just mugging. Still, the damage is done. The scars are permanent. I will never watch this show. And I will never trust Amanda when she says she "just has to run in there for a minute."

I don't want to veer wildly off topic, but I can't let the subject of smugness pass without talking about that self-satisfied Carl's Jr. star. I've about had it with him, too. What does this little shit have to be so smug about? He works in fast food and doesn't even have limbs! I just want to wipe that smile right off his fat face.


I think I need an enemies list. If it worked for Nixon, it will work for me.

12 metawords:

Cora said...

I used to be married and, yep, some days were exactly like that! ARG.

Oh, regarding the potato ass you mentioned earlier, I just have to tell you, Words, that a potato ass is WAAAAYYYYY better than a pancake ass - everybody knows that! Nothing wrong with a potato ass, my friend. Nothing!

joshlos said...

I can't stand Burn Notice.

It's overrated. I think its overratedness fuels my hatred for the show, actually. I know a gaggle of people who love it, which annoys me because -- after I watched a few episodes -- I came away less than impressed with the terrible acting by everyone but the smug main character guy (your assumption of him being smug was right... and the actor only stands out because his acting is simply average compared to everyone else's sucktasticness) as well as the lackluster writing. But there are shootouts and attractive women. In that respect, it works as something to have on in the background only to glance at while you're doing something else. But I still get angrier at the show a little more each time I hear someone likes it.

BeckEye said...

Why are you posting so much lately? What's going on?

Gwen said...

Both of them look pretty smug to me. I think you should trust your instincts on this one.

words words words said...

I don't know why I'm posting so much lately. I'm on a roll and I don't want to question it.

SouthernBelle said...

At the risk of incurring Joshlos's wrath, I have to say Mr Belle and I watch this show and love it.

Yes, it's cheesy. Yes, the acting is pretty average. Yes, like every other show on the USA channel it has ridiculously overt product placement. And yes, (the main girl) Gabrielle Anwar needs to put down the lip-collagen and eat a damn sandwich. But it's still lightweight enjoyable fun.

That Carl's Jr star can go fuck himself though.

~E said...

I think you just have one of those unnatural aversions to smiles. You can get a pill for that I think.

P.S. I think I could sit at that bench for hours and stare at that billboard without hating it. IF the got rid of the guy. AND the girl. AND the pool and all the writing. AND just left the girls shoes.

pistols at dawn said...

I just hate the name, "Carl's Jr." Carl's junior what? Carl's burgers are junior? That's not really a great selling point.

red said...

I like Burn Notice. It's not outstanding TV by any means, but it's entertaining. Plus, Bruce Campbell's on it. Who doesn't like Bruce Campbell?

However, you are such a dude for obsessing about Jeffery Donovan's smugness over Gabrielle Anwar's immediate need of at least 10 sandwiches. She grosses me out.

words words words said...

I stand by my well-documented affection for women who eat lots of sandwiches! In this case, however, Gabrielle's skeletal frame was but a candle lost in the blinding sunlight of that dude's smugitude.

Kimizzy said...

hahahahahahha... I can totally imagine that whiney voice where you're mocking people hotter than you. Unfortunately, I do it all the time.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I've been married for eight years...

For six and a half of those years, every day has started off the exact way that you describe.