Monday, August 25, 2008

The Olympic Running Diary

I've always wanted to do a running diary of a big event with lots of comic potential. In the absence of a big event with lots of comic potential, I've decided to do it for the Olympic closing ceremonies. I IMed it to myself to get the time code on there, and if IMing myself for a couple of hours doesn't explain my social life, then I don't know what does. Halfway through I tried to cyber myself, but I wouldn't give it up. If you're feeling charitable, please continue reading!

(8:20:27 PM): The closing ceremonies start with a countdown in the sky from 10 to 1...written in fireworks. Fireworks are badass. CHINESE fireworks are beyond badass. They're like the Steven Seagal of fireworks.

(8:21:24 PM): The Prime Minister of the UK, Gordon Brown, is here to represent London, the site of the 2012 Summer Olympics. His wife looks like Pam from The Office. No British guy is allowed to score like that, even a Prime Minister.

(8:23:18 PM): People in various traditional Chinese costumes are present for the raising of the flags, making it patently obvious why people move on from traditional costumes to modern garb. It looks like there must be a lot of naked little kids on the "It's A Small World" ride tonight.

(8:28:40 PM): Some guy is flying into the stadium attached to a giant hot air balloon shaped like a wheel of cheese and pounding away at it with drumsticks.

(8:28:55 PM): I think it's actually a drum (hence the drumsticks), but it REALLY looks like a wheel of cheese. I like cheese. I've often said that nothing is so good that it can't be made better by adding cheese.

(8:29:30 PM): Dammit, the Phillies are down to their last out. I'm switching between baseball and the Olympics. I'm not a professional blogger, so you don't get a professional effort.

(8:30:41 PM): Now there are what looks like Zulu warriors with glowstick necklaces on the floor of the stadium. It looks like a cross between The Gods Must Be Crazy and Tron. In other words, it's AWESOME.

(8:30:55 PM): Phillies tie it! 2-2 in the bottom of the ninth!

(8:31:53 PM): Zulu warriors are not Chinese. Not even a little bit. But that's what these guys look like, and that allowed me to use the Gods Must Be Crazy reference.

(8:32:50 PM): LIGHTCYCLES! I was right about Tron!

(8:34:19 PM): I know how ridiculous this sounds. but there are lots of people wearing orange and seemingly doing an impression of a giant sea anemone. They're being circled by the lightcycles. And on the outside are the neon Zulus. This is like a Cirque du Soleil version of The Little Mermaid.

(8:35:37 PM): The scope of the show is staggering, just like the opening ceremonies. It makes you wonder how many people the Chinese had to enslave to accomplish such a task.

(8:36:58 PM): We have been joined by what can only be described as a bunch of dudes wearing shoes that have pogo sticks attached. Each foot having an individual pogo stick sounds like a recipe for disaster. Someone is going to tear a sack...you can just see it coming.

(8:37:05 PM): In other news, I know what I want for Christmas.

(8:43:18 PM): Finally the performance art is over and it's time for the athletes to enter. I love how at the closing ceremonies, it's just a jailbreak instead of the way they march in solemnly at the opening ceremonies. It always looks like they're giving away free beer to the first 100 athletes to enter the stadium.

(8:44:22 PM): Aw, the athletes from different countries are all laughing and talking and taking pictures together. It almost makes me want to have a second reference to "It's A Small World". Almost.

(8:45:07 PM): Sample athlete conversation: "Yeah, so, uh...I'll totally call you. Where were you from again? Oh, Namibia. Is that near Amsterdam? Cause I totally want to go there sometime, maybe we can hook up."

(8:46:57 PM): Shawn Johnson is so cute, like a chipmunk. I want to put her in a backpack and carry her around with me. I mean that in a totally innocent way, not like this guy would.

(8:47:40 PM): The Phillies let the Dodgers load the bases with no outs in the top of the 10th and then got out of it. They're intent on giving me angina.

(8:51:10 PM): Speaking of athletes socializing, it has been reported that the Chinese provided 100,000 condoms in the athletes' village. There are 10,0000 athletes at the Games. They take that one baby per family shit seriously.

(8:52:10 PM): Assuming my math is right and it takes two people and one condom to have sex, the Chinese were expecting each athlete to do it 20 times. Now THAT'S an Olympian feat.

(8:52:31 PM): The Mexican delegation is wearing sombreros. Don't they know how racist that is?

(8:54:00 PM): I'm pretty sure a guy from Spain just flashed gang signs. Following on the heels of that slanteye picture the Spanish basketball team took, it's starting to look like Spain is one classy place.

(8:54:53 PM): Americans are a pretty good looking bunch of people. I'm just sayin.

(8:56:12 PM): I can't wait til they announce the Olympic King and Queen and they do the spotlight dance.

(9:01:45 PM): It's traditional to award the medals for the marathon as part of the closing ceremonies. The winner was from Kenya, which is suprising to no one, including the guy himself. We're the damn United States of America. Why don't we just hire away whoever makes all these Kenyans run fast and do it ourselves? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

(9:04:25 PM): The Kenyan national anthem is just a tiny bit cheerier than the Russian one. If I heard this music in a movie, it would accompany someone being taken away tearfully in a train against their will.

(9:05:31 PM): Aw, a tribute to the hundreds of thousands of Chinese "volunteers" that made the Games possible. Now that it's all gone off well, they get their kittens back safe and sound.

(9:06:53 PM): Wow, 45 minutes in and I actually wrote something funny. Alert the media. But not the Chinese media, or no one will ever find out.

(9:10:07 PM): Bottom of the 11th, Phillies get a double from the leadoff man. I smell win. (See what I do for you people? An exciting extra inning baseball game and I'm STILL blogging the Olympics for you. *I* want a medal.)

(9:13:19 PM): That's the only way I'm going to get a medal, by the way. I have specific skills, but I could never master a whole sport. I can throw a ball. I can stop a puck. I can knock somebody over and fall on top of them, but that's not really an Olympic event. Unless you count Greco-Roman Fucking.

(9:14:18 PM): They're playing the Greek national anthem because the Greeks invented the Olympics. These people have been milking this for way too long. So you all decided to run around a track with your junk swinging in the wind. Big deal. This is the 21st century, won't you join it?

(9:16:34 PM): Blah blah blah. The head of the Chinese organizing committee and the head of the IOC are making boring speeches. This always reminds me of that part of the Oscars where the Price-Waterhouse guys get to be on TV with their Deal Or No Deal briefcase and wave at their mothers.

(9:22:19 PM): Phillies win! Phillies win! Three run homer with two outs in the bottom of the 11th! Okay, it's full-time Olympics now.

(9:26:21 PM): They're raising the flag of the UK as a delegation from London sings the national anthem. They're wearing...pink. Come on, now. I know it's not cool to wear your national colors, but this is the Olympics, United Kingdom! Come decked out in red, white and blue or don't come at all, you Queen-having, curry-eating, pip-pip saying gits!

(9:32:57 PM): China is ceremonially handing over the Olympic flag to the United Kingdom. Be careful, Limeys. The last time China gave you something cool, they made you give it back 155 years later. So hide it somewhere no one will look. Maybe Camilla Parker-Bowles' underwear drawer.

(9:33:39 PM): If I ever have a daughter, I'm absolutely naming her "Nastia". When you're raised with that name, you're bound to just destroy everyone at whatever you choose to do, from being an Olympic gymnast to being a moose and squirrel's archenemy.

(9:37:53 PM): Okay, London's "presentation" is the dumbest thing I've ever seen. Modern dance performed by a bunch of people with umbrellas on a corner as a double decker bus pulls up. REALLY? You have a chance to announce your awesome Olympic intentions to the world and you choose people writhing around waiting for a bus.

(9:38:04 PM): Uh oh, the bus is a Transformer!

(9:38:49 PM): Somehow the bus turned into the London skyline and that shrieky Simon Cowell "discovery" Leona Lewis is about to assault our senses.

(9:41:00 PM): Suddenly Jimmy Page emerges, playing "Whole Lotta Love", which rocks! Until Leona Lewis starts doing her Robert Plant impression. Oh, London. We know you get obsessed with terrible pop stars, but do you have to make them bring down rock icons with them?

(9:42:20 PM): Jimmy Page has totally white hair, which I don't ever remember him having. Surely it happened when he learned what he was going to be doing this evening.

(9:42:30 PM): Oh, and now they're dragging David Beckham out, too. It's apparent that the theme of the London presentation is "Things We Love That Nobody Else Gives A Shit About". Well done, lads.

(9:53:35 PM): There is nothing blogworthy left in this ceremony...it will suffice to say that lots of Chinese people writhed around and made giant shapes with their bodies. I promise that next time I try a running diary, I'll make sure the event is funny. Remember this: Inspirational is not a good recipe for comedy.

8 metawords:

poobomber said...

Despite the Olympics and all their ceremonies sucking big salty balls, your interpretation of the closing event totally kicked ass!

I'd rather you just described things on TV for me from now on. Do we have a deal?

ÄsK AliCë said...

I would subscribe to that

Dr Zibbs said...

I just watched this against my TiVo and you're off by a few seconds. Is there anyway you can syncronize it?

Falwless said...

HAHAHAHAHA @ Dr. Z. You're such a goddamn idiot. Jesus. That made me laugh.


WWW -- Seeing as how I was chatting with you when you wrote this and you kept telling me how terrible your commentary was, I was pleasantly surprised - I laughed quite a bit. I especially loved this: This always reminds me of that part of the Oscars where the Price-Waterhouse guys get to be on TV with their Deal Or No Deal briefcase and wave at their mothers.

Well done, friend, well done.

Red said...

I actually watched the end of the closing ceremonies and the LA/Phillies game on a plane. How cool is it to watch live stuff on planes now? What's next? Trips to the moon?

My favorite part of the Closing Ceremonies was the wrap-up by (who else?) Bob Costas. I think my love for him is bordering on unhealthy.

Gwen said...

This took a herculean amount of concentration and dedication, two things I have zero of, so well done!

Gwen said...

Is Herculean supposed to be capitalized? I think so.

BeckEye said...

Are you serious about Leona Lewis singing with Jimmy Page??? I'm starting to understand why that one dude tried to blow up the Olympics all those years ago.