Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Cold As Ice

When you want to be funny for a living, sometimes God makes you angry by creating people that manage to be funny without any effort at all. Even worse, they're not even aware that they're funny. This is an entry about one of those people. I copied this verbatim from the back of a bag of ice at work today:

"Since 1935 the Southern California Ice Company has passed down the art of ice making from generation to generation. Now, in the same tradition we bring you premium quality packaged ice. Toss them into your favorite drink and taste the difference. At Southern California Ice we appreciate your support and hope you enjoy the perfect beverage accent."

Okay, breathe. Now, first of all, the good people at Southern California Ice appear to be laboring under the illusion that freezing water is an art. It's not. I learned about it in science class, and I daresay that makes it science. When water reaches 32 degrees it turns into ice, regardless of how much or how little love, care or effort you put into it. In fact, water freezes the same every time, making impossible the personal expression needed to call something "art". Now, I concede that ice sculpture is an art. But these exacting craftsmen are simply making ice cubes. Ice cubes that, if my Diet Coke is any indication, stick together far too stubbornly. A cube is not a sculpture, even if you're some kind of avant garde John Cage mindfucker.

Second, these people simply MUST be the inspiration for that famous ice-based Polish joke, because they feel the need to pass the recipe for ice down from generation to generation lest it be swept away by the sands of time. Clip and save, clowns: Take some water. Put it somewhere cold. Wait.

Finally, Southern California Ice promises us "premium quality packaged ice" and invites us to "taste the difference". Is this artisan food trend so out of hand that ice can now be a premium handcrafted artisan food item? Are we about to be assaulted with "ice tastings" at snooty gourmet stores? Will rich a-holes present their guests with several different varieties of ice? "Oh, Eleanor, you simply MUST try the desalinated Arctic sea ice in your vodka tonic. It's a pairing straight from heaven!"

See what you started, small family owned ice company? You couldn't be happy just making ice and making money. You had to put on airs and pretend to be artists. And now, pretty soon I am not going to be able to afford to drink my Diet Coke cold. Congratulations, assclowns.

13 metawords:

Falwless said...

Brilliant.

And fuck you for winning our Scrabble match. Seriously.

Go to hell. But before you do, c'mere so I can do dirty things to you for having such a goddamn sexy brain. Thx.

Red said...

Making ice always reminds me of Mosquito Coast, which makes me think of high school. I don't like thinking of high school.

poobomber said...

There was a study done by a Japanese researcher that affixed words on tape to different containers that her froze water in.

Some words were positive, like "love" and "peace", and some were negative like "evil" and "hate" and "Britney".

After they were froze, he took the water molecules out and studied them under an electron microscope. The water with the positive words formed nice and symmetrical ice particles when frozen, and the negative worded ice formed jagged and irregular crystals.

What does this mean? Nothing. But hi!

words words words said...

Everyone but Fal: Help, I need an adult!

Falwless said...

hahahaha

Falwless said...

poo--I totally believe in shit like that. I know, I know, call me crazy. (I've heard worse.) Energy is everywhere... positive and negative.. centuries from now they will look back on us in these times and laugh at how ignorant we were. We haven't even begun to scratch the surface of things that we can't see.

Dr Zibbs said...

For a blogger that's green around the ears I've got to hand it to you. You're real wordsmith (say it with me: wordsmith).
Seriously, that post was hysterical - I'm jealous I didn't write it. And that's something coming from me. I mean, do you know who I am? Yup. It's me, THE Dr Zibbs.

Gifted Typist said...

Iceists!

Falwless said...

Congratulations on your Wigglin' Uvula Ribbon.

ÄsK AliCë said...

I don't have anything clever to say because I'm hopped up on Tylenol Cold but I laughed really hard so that's a good sign

Mathdude said...

Ok, I got the recipe for ice down (thanks), no I need help with boiling water.

M in SF said...

What happens if you put these premium quality ice cubes in your least favorite drink? Then what? Any difference?

I think that would really be a true selling point.

And I really think "ice cube" should be changed to "ice dice". It just has a better ring to it. Don't ya think?

I've been petitioning for the change for years, but it just hasn't caught on yet.

Just give me a little more time.

180/360 said...

You deserve an award just for reading the back of an ice bag. :)