Thursday, August 7, 2008

Down At The Starbucks Hotel

So I'm sitting in Starbucks with my laptop like the L.A. douchebag I am, surrounded by my douchey colleagues. At the table next to me is Hip Hop with his $300 headphones, bopping along as he looks at Craigslist. In front of him is Oversized Luggage Girl, who has apparently brought all her belongings to Starbucks with her in two giant handbags that could each carry a toddler. She's sipping on something sugary and red while playing with Excel. Across the room is I'm A Grad Student!, who has her books spread all over a table designed for four people. And right next to me is The Napper.

I don't recall seeing The Napper1 come in, because I'm engrossed in my racy online chat. But all of a sudden, there he is in the overstuffed leather(ette) chair next to me. A reclining fiftyish man with a proud dome of a belly, split right down the middle where his t-shirt tucks into his gray Sansabelt slacks. It's interesting that he's making himself at home by putting his feet up on the table and that he doesn't appear to have purchased a beverage. But not nearly as interesting as the fact that he is stone cold asleep.

I look around and nobody else seems to be aware of The Napper. Starbucks employees, Hip Hop, Oversized Luggage Girl, I'm A Grad Student!...no one is paying attention. As I look at him closer (he's asleep, he won't know), I notice he does have a bottle of water, but he must have brought it in with him because it's not the brand sold in the Starbucks. I don't think he's homeless, because his clothes are clean and he appears to have had a very recent haircut. He isn't waiting for anyone, because as I'm writing this he awakens, walks into the bathroom, and then leaves.

The only reasonable conclusion is that here we have a man who apparently walked into Starbucks simply to take a nap. I can't help but wonder what kind of circumstances informed his conclusion that this was a thing to do. Did he and the wife have a fight? Is she having a Tupperware party? Did he go out for a pack of cigarettes and decide never to return home? I want answers, people! I want opinions. Whoever comes up with the best explanation for the exploits of The Napper wins a prize. I haven't determined a prize yet, but I assure you it will be good. It might even be an official Untitled Blogger Project Certificate Of Excellence, suitable for framing. The contest starts.......(wait for it)......NOW!


1. Is it me or does The Napper sound like the world's dumbest superhero?

8 metawords:

ÄsK AliCë said...

Maybe he was being chased by a swarm of mutant bees filled with west nile virus and was trying to seek refuge in the welcoming warmth of his local Starbucks?

Falwless said...

I KNOW I KNOW PICK ME PICK ME

HE WAS REALLY TIRED

words words words said...

Fal: Yeah, I'm gonna pick YOU, you Jon-picking harpy!

Gwen said...

Narcolepsy. Nah, too legit.

He's a get-away car driver and he had a little time before he needed to be at the bank. He didn't want to get there too soon and be an obvious loiterer.

Red said...

When I worked at The Buck, we had all kind of crazy shenanigans like this.

That guy was obviously hoping to become famous when someone posted a blog about him sleeping in Starbucks. The things people will do for a little attention.

BeckEye said...

This is kind of like The Breakfast Club, but years later with horribly overpriced beverages.

Dr Zibbs said...

I would shake him really hard then looking like there's something behind him, yell at the top of your lungs, "OH, MY GOD, QUICK -IT'S AMOST HERE" - like a bear is about to maul him.

Kimmie said...

This is the first I'm reading this post, and it's great. But I can't help but wonder what your label would be :)