Words On Assignment

Words...words...words... is hitting the road!

I'll be leaving today on a road trip to the Winter Olympics in Vancouver. I made some friends when I worked there a few years ago, and it's time to cash in on some favors! I love the Olympics because it is one of the few times that jingoism and xenophobia are embraced. I'll be attending a USA hockey game and a medal ceremony, as well as taking in the sights, sounds and smells¹ of the Games. Make sure you bang it here for daily updates on what really goes on² at the Olympics.

In commemoration of this august publication's first attempt at reporting, there will be a contest! Whoever leaves the best comment on any of the Olympic entries will win a yet-to-be-determined souvenir trinket.³ Comments will be judged on humor, relevance and fawning. Relatives, employees and former drunken hookups of WWW, Inc. are not eligible to win.⁴ All entries become the property of WWW, Inc.

In other news, when I return from Vancouver, I will be coming back to a new job! Despite the fact that the film in question is certain to be a steaming pile, there is much rejoicing⁵ throughout the land.



1. Hopefully not the smells.

2. I desperately hope something interesting goes on now that my cheese is publicly in the wind.

3. WWW, Inc. makes no guarantee about the quality of the trinket, except that it will be cheap.

4. Unless we like you.

5. Spending.

The G-Chat Diaries, Vol. 11

Chatter X: Sup

WWW: Well, I feel better today. But I also just spent $900 on my car.

Chatter X: I'm spending like $700 tomorrow!

WWW: What are you getting?

Chatter X: A new axle, brakes, and some other shit I wasn't listening to.

- FI...wait. Not fin.
Cut to one hour later, when Chatter X was informed of this honor.

Chatter X: I AM PUTTING THIS ON MY CALENDAR.

Chatter X: DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I HAVE WAITED FOR THIS DAY, YOU ASSHOLE?

WWW: I didn't even know you read my blog.

Chatter X: Every time I read one of those in your blog I'm like GOD DAMMIT. THIS ISN'T ANYTHING I HAVE SAID.

Chatter X: I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HOW FUNNY I AM

- FI...nope. Not just yet.
Cut to ten minutes after the above exchange.

Chatter X: ARE YOU DONE YET OR WHAT

WWW: I'M MAKING IT FUNNY

Chatter X: UGH FINE. This better not be the last time I'm posted in one of these BTW. This better be the FIRST OF MANY.

Chatter X: MANY.

WWW: If you don't STFU it won't even be the first.

Chatter X: Fine. LOVE YOU <3

- FIN -
(Yes, for real)

Actual Conversations With Real People, Vol. 10

Today's Actual Conversation is between myself and an elderly woman at the supermarket. Enjoy!

The elderly woman is shopping without a cart and is carrying all her groceries by hand. She comes up to my cart and begins unloading all her things into it.

WWW: Uhhh...

EW: (in thick Russian accent) What are you looking at? I'll take them right out.

WWW: *mouth agape*

The elderly woman rearranges her groceries into her arms and shuffles away.

- FIN -

Fever Dreams and Other Things

It's been a weird week here at WWW Headquarters. I'm drifting in and out of sleep at strange hours. I'm not eating very much, and eating foods at weird times of the day. My head swims and starts lucidly dreaming while I'm watching Jeopardy! or reading or not blogging¹. The lucid dreams are so surreal that it looks like John Mayer is on The Tonight Show playing "California Dreamin'"² with a children's choir dressed in red sweater vests³. I'm on an every-other-day showering schedule⁴ and seem to have grown a full beard. All in all, a vibe of general weirdness. After consulting experts in the field, I've learned that this can mean one of only eight (8) things:

1. I am starring in a remake of Mr. Mom (sans children)
2. I am slowly dying of consumption
3. I have been drugged by an international cabal of bloggers in an effort to silence me
4. I have mono
5. I'm really just bored
6. I need a job
7. Ennui

I'm pretty sure that I would be aware of #1 because I wouldn't have to make my own coffee. #2 would require me to live in the 19th century. There is no motive for #3, as I have been pretty silent on my own. I haven't kissed anyone, ruling out #4. #5 has possibilities. I think #6 and #7 are the prime suspects, though. Luckily, I have been contacted about a job and should find out about it at any minute. And if I don't get it, I expect #7 will consume me.


1. Not blogging appears to be my biggest hobby lately. I just opened a new post and started writing, resulting in...this.
2. English grammarians need a solution for instances where a word ending in an apostrophe is enclosed in quote marks. It looks retarded.
3. Upon further investigation, this has proven to be all too real. Eek.
4. That's right, ladies. You have a 50/50 chance of catching me all clean. Rowr.

The Road Not Taken

I was talking with a friend last night about the old story that Hitler only turned to politics when he was denied admittance to art school. We wondered how the world might be different if only some art professor had been a little more enthusiastic about young Adolf's portfolio. After a little research, I discovered that many of the world's dictators and genocidal maniacs had a dream cruelly dashed before taking out their revenge on the world. A sampling:

Josef Stalin: Was a promising flautist before being demoted to second chair in the school orchestra and concluding that meritocracy sucked.

Pol Pot: Won championships at hundreds of quilting bees before his girlfriend left him over his obsession; soon decided that the arts were indulgent and vain.

Idi Amin: Enjoyed floral arrangement until he was drafted and subsequently ridiculed by his Army buddies; vowed revenge on everyone, saying "I'll eat your children!" decades before Mike Tyson did.

Benito Mussolini: Was an exceptionally emotive dancer until his career derailed when a late train caused him to miss an audition for the Bolshoi Ballet. A distraught Mussolini pledged to improve the efficiency of public services at any cost.

Kim Jong-Il: Harbored dreams of a career in the NBA; despite his outstanding defensive play, his diminutive stature limited his potential and he soon developed a Napoleon complex.

Love Letters

Last night I went to the movies. I went down to the parking garage of my apartment building and found two notes under my windshield wiper. Immediately I thought, "Oh great, someone hit me." Instead, I found some delightfully weird notes, which I responded to.

A-hole Note #1:

Management: Please be advised that I will be parking in my space tomorrow in the Evening (sic). Please let your son's girlfriend know so that she can make other arrangements. I've left 2 messages on the voicemail!

Thank you, A-hole in #306

A-hole Note #2:

Please move your car.

I was concerned that this person would park in my spot while I was at the movies, so I left a note of my own and taped it to the pillar adjoining my spot.

My Note #1:

To the person requesting that I vacate my own parking space:

I am not management. Barring a bout of amnesia and gender reassignment surgery, I am also not the manager's son's girlfriend. I am a tenant and I've lived here for eight years. And this is my parking space. I expect that when I return later this evening, my space will remain unoccupied. Regards, WWW.

In fact, my space was unoccupied when I returned. My note was intact. All that's left is to hope they don't key my car for being a wiseass.

Things I Would Apparently Rather Do Than Write In My Blog

Play Activision Ice Hockey over and over again until I can beat the computer 30-0 (I'm up to 26-2)

Watch episode after episode (after episode) of Pawn Stars

Break the world record for number of different ways to cook eggs

Not work on my screenplay

Compete on Dancing With The Stars*

Make voodoo dolls of Tony Romo and Jerry Jones

Socialize with friends (Dripping with irony, but true)

Become the first person to successfully read the entire internet

Stay up until 5:00 in the morning and sleep 'til noon

Watch my blog slowly die

Leave a flaming bag of poo on Jay Leno's front porch

Find a new job

Compile a half-assed list and pass it off as a blog entry

* Just seeing if you're paying attention