Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Fever Dreams and Other Things

It's been a weird week here at WWW Headquarters. I'm drifting in and out of sleep at strange hours. I'm not eating very much, and eating foods at weird times of the day. My head swims and starts lucidly dreaming while I'm watching Jeopardy! or reading or not blogging1. The lucid dreams are so surreal that it looks like John Mayer is on The Tonight Show playing "California Dreamin'"2 with a children's choir dressed in red sweater vests3. I'm on an every-other-day showering schedule4 and seem to have grown a full beard. All in all, a vibe of general weirdness. After consulting experts in the field, I've learned that this can mean one of only eight (8) things:

1. I am starring in a remake of Mr. Mom (sans children)
2. I am slowly dying of consumption
3. I have been drugged by an international cabal of bloggers in an effort to silence me
4. I have mono
5. I'm really just bored
6. I need a job
7. Ennui

I'm pretty sure that I would be aware of #1 because I wouldn't have to make my own coffee. #2 would require me to live in the 19th century. There is no motive for #3, as I have been pretty silent on my own. I haven't kissed anyone, ruling out #4. #5 has possibilities. I think #6 and #7 are the prime suspects, though. Luckily, I have been contacted about a job and should find out about it at any minute. And if I don't get it, I expect #7 will consume me.

1. Not blogging appears to be my biggest hobby lately. I just opened a new post and started writing, resulting in...this.
2. English grammarians need a solution for instances where a word ending in an apostrophe is enclosed in quote marks. It looks retarded.
3. Upon further investigation, this has proven to be all too real. Eek.
4. That's right, ladies. You have a 50/50 chance of catching me all clean. Rowr.

11 metawords:

Soda and Candy said...

You're a slacker, McFly.

Also, good luck with the job!!!

red said...

I hate how much I don't hate John Mayer.

Anonymous said...

The John Mayer thing was more a nightmare than a dream, dude. Despite Red's secret Mayer love. I expect she'll deal with that through therapy - probably with that dude who does the Celebrity rehab thing - once her single charts and she's famous.

New job huh? I hear porn's crying out for dudes.

Cora said...

I was unemployed six years ago for ohhhhhh about two or three months. I got so bored (and terrified about lack of money) that I walked on my treadmill about eight miles a day because it was the only thing that took my mind off of it all.

I think I'd have gone nutso if I didn't have that treadmill.

Jon said...

Wayne's World! What do I win?

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Ennui: Destroyer of Words.

The Diva on a Diet said...

Today's Wednesday - showered or unshowered?

As for #6 ... I don't have a job to offer ... how's about a little guest post? Especially as I'm having trouble posting myself this month!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

You are the worst unemployed person EVER.

My word ver is: nostabe

Like nostabe-ility can be fun! Weeeeee!!

Anonymous said...

You're still hilarious, even in sheer boredom and unemployment.

words...words...words... said...

S&C: Thanks, Principal Strickland!

Red: Me too, actually. While I'm not a fan of his songs, he actually is a really good blues guitarist.

Veggie: I took your advice. My new professional name is Miles O'Toole.

Cora: I'm unemployed for a few months almost every year. I should take up your method, I'd be Lance Armstrong!

Jon: You are correct! You win...uh...my hearty congratulations?

MJenks: Thanks for the shout out, Dr. Oppenhemier!

Diva: That would be fun, you have some very demanding readers!

Steamy: I was going to try to prove you wrong, but all the bad people I can think of have jobs. I AM the worst unemployed person ever :(

Kimmie: Thank you! Your check is in the mail.

Anonymous said...

Dirty boy! Dirty dirty!