Fun With Camera Phones: Vancouver Edition

At first I was alarmed that Mr. Tube Steak was selling his wares openly on the street. Then I remembered that Canada has a much more laid back attitude toward things like this. I must say, $6 for tube steak nestled in buns is a good deal in any country.

An ad featuring Tiger Woods and the words "Perfect Lies". Yeah, not so much apparently. Wordplay!

Olympic Joke-Off!

Viewers of Saturday Night Live are familiar with Weekend Update's "Joke-Off" bit where Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey used to read a news story and then take turns making rapid-fire jokes and trying to top each other. Here at WWW, we're going to try it all by ourselves. Let's see if we're funny enough for two!

Meryl Davis and Charlie White of the United States proudly show off their silver medals for Ice Dancing

Wow, look...

...Christopher Atkins and a chick from the "Black Hole Sun" video won a medal!

...Wooderson from Dazed and Confused and Janice from the Muppets won a medal!

...a guy that looks like Disco Stu if he was in Fraggle Rock and an avatar won a medal!

...a gap-toothed fat guy is making fun of other people's looks!

This, I Don't Need

A few years ago, my ex-roommate Edie (she of fudge hole fame) introduced me to the concept of the Friend You Hate. According to Edie, everyone has one Friend You Hate. This is a person who is your friend, but you don't actually like them most of the time. If you met this person today, you would never be friends, but you've been friends so long that it doesn't matter.

Amanda is my Friend You Hate. She's the one I stayed with in Vancouver last week for the Olympics. She sealed her Friend You Hate status with the following stunt.

Two months ago, I bought tickets for Amanda and I to go to one of the medal ceremonies at the Olympics. She didn't care which night we went, so I chose a night where medals were being given out in a selection of events that I thought Americans might win. The goal being to experience one of those goosebump moments when you hear the national anthem and see the flag get raised.

Well, my prognosticating abilities proved dead-on-balls accurate. The day before the ceremony, four Americans earned medals to be awarded that night, including golds for Shaun White and Shani Davis. Upon learning this, Amanda confessed that she didn't feel like going. Being (through no fault of her own) Canadian , she felt like she wouldn't enjoy watching a bunch of Americans celebrating. She asked if my friend Liz would like to go in her place. Liz and I found out via Facebook that we were both in Vancouver and had hung out the previous day. This was one of the only things that Amanda and I were going to get to do together, so I asked her if she was sure. She said "let Liz know it's a possibility and that you'll let her know in the morning for sure." I said okay, and the next morning Amanda gave me the go ahead to give the ticket to Liz. Liz and I made plans to meet that night and that was that.

Or so I thought.

Three hours before Liz and I were to meet, Amanda called me. "I know I'm a horrible person, but I'm going to be selfish. A Canadian just won a gold medal to be awarded tonight, and I want my ticket back." Um, WHAT? Didn't I just take great pains to ask you if you were SURE? Amanda seemed to waver, and seemed like she wanted me to make her decision for her. "Am I being really rude?" I told her that yes, she was being really rude, but if she wanted it back I would ask for it. She told me to ask for it. I left a message for Liz apologizing profusely and telling her what happened. And that was that.

Or so I thought.

Fifteen minutes later, Amanda called again. "I feel terrible. Tell her she can have the ticket." And then immediately started wavering again. WHAT. THE. HELL. She clearly wanted me to tell her she wasn't being a jerk. I was not going to do that. You just made me tell this poor girl I was taking her ticket away and now you're jerking us around again? It takes a great deal for me to get angry and raise my voice. I did just that. I told Amanda that she wasn't getting another chance to change her mind. Liz hadn't called back, so I had to assume she was still going to meet me at the venue. I told Amanda I wasn't making Liz come all the way there to turn her away. She was getting the ticket.

Congratulations, Amanda. You are now my Friend You Hate.

And for the record, the ceremony DID cause goosebumps.


P.S. - my Olympic contest is still open. The best comment on any of my Olympic-themed entries (there will be at least one more after this) wins a souvenir I brought back from Vancouver. And trust me, it's awesome.

A Tale of International Brotherhood, Stilts and Electrical Tape Pants

I witnessed a heartwarming scene here in Vancouver yesterday. Two exuberant young Canucks were parading through the streets with a giant Canadian flag in preparation for the first Team Canada hockey game an hour later.


Alas, nothing gold can stay. Before long our intrepid heroes were confronted by the Goliath to the South, their nemesis Uncle Sam himself! Just look at Uncle Sam's demeanor - he don't play. Some bad stuff was going to go down, my friends.


However, people began gathering around and taking pictures of these national symbols together. And instead of a Battle Royale, we got smiles and poses. Uncle Sam is even helping to hold up the Canadian flag. No one who witnessed this display of peace and brotherhood left unchanged.


Pussies.

The Money Shot

Sometimes you have to pull over to the shoulder even when the signs say you're not supposed to and just admire nature. This is Mt. Shasta in northern California.

Click to enlarge

The Hills Have Wangs

En route to Vancouver, I've stopped for the night in Red Bluff, California. Sounds pretty, right?

NO.

This little burg in the middle of nowhere is an episode of The Twilight Zone waiting to happen. For the last 45 minutes I drove in a dense, impenetrable and vaguely threatening fog. While getting settled in my room I heard the distinct sound of three gunshots not far away. And below, you'll see the access code for my hotel internet service.


In light of the fog and the gunshots, the code has me worrying what else this cursed town has in store for me. If I don't blog in several days, someone please notify the authorities. And a proctologist.

Words On Assignment

Words...words...words... is hitting the road!

I'll be leaving today on a road trip to the Winter Olympics in Vancouver. I made some friends when I worked there a few years ago, and it's time to cash in on some favors! I love the Olympics because it is one of the few times that jingoism and xenophobia are embraced. I'll be attending a USA hockey game and a medal ceremony, as well as taking in the sights, sounds and smells¹ of the Games. Make sure you bang it here for daily updates on what really goes on² at the Olympics.

In commemoration of this august publication's first attempt at reporting, there will be a contest! Whoever leaves the best comment on any of the Olympic entries will win a yet-to-be-determined souvenir trinket.³ Comments will be judged on humor, relevance and fawning. Relatives, employees and former drunken hookups of WWW, Inc. are not eligible to win.⁴ All entries become the property of WWW, Inc.

In other news, when I return from Vancouver, I will be coming back to a new job! Despite the fact that the film in question is certain to be a steaming pile, there is much rejoicing⁵ throughout the land.



1. Hopefully not the smells.

2. I desperately hope something interesting goes on now that my cheese is publicly in the wind.

3. WWW, Inc. makes no guarantee about the quality of the trinket, except that it will be cheap.

4. Unless we like you.

5. Spending.

The G-Chat Diaries, Vol. 11

Chatter X: Sup

WWW: Well, I feel better today. But I also just spent $900 on my car.

Chatter X: I'm spending like $700 tomorrow!

WWW: What are you getting?

Chatter X: A new axle, brakes, and some other shit I wasn't listening to.

- FI...wait. Not fin.
Cut to one hour later, when Chatter X was informed of this honor.

Chatter X: I AM PUTTING THIS ON MY CALENDAR.

Chatter X: DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I HAVE WAITED FOR THIS DAY, YOU ASSHOLE?

WWW: I didn't even know you read my blog.

Chatter X: Every time I read one of those in your blog I'm like GOD DAMMIT. THIS ISN'T ANYTHING I HAVE SAID.

Chatter X: I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HOW FUNNY I AM

- FI...nope. Not just yet.
Cut to ten minutes after the above exchange.

Chatter X: ARE YOU DONE YET OR WHAT

WWW: I'M MAKING IT FUNNY

Chatter X: UGH FINE. This better not be the last time I'm posted in one of these BTW. This better be the FIRST OF MANY.

Chatter X: MANY.

WWW: If you don't STFU it won't even be the first.

Chatter X: Fine. LOVE YOU <3

- FIN -
(Yes, for real)

Actual Conversations With Real People, Vol. 10

Today's Actual Conversation is between myself and an elderly woman at the supermarket. Enjoy!

The elderly woman is shopping without a cart and is carrying all her groceries by hand. She comes up to my cart and begins unloading all her things into it.

WWW: Uhhh...

EW: (in thick Russian accent) What are you looking at? I'll take them right out.

WWW: *mouth agape*

The elderly woman rearranges her groceries into her arms and shuffles away.

- FIN -

Fever Dreams and Other Things

It's been a weird week here at WWW Headquarters. I'm drifting in and out of sleep at strange hours. I'm not eating very much, and eating foods at weird times of the day. My head swims and starts lucidly dreaming while I'm watching Jeopardy! or reading or not blogging¹. The lucid dreams are so surreal that it looks like John Mayer is on The Tonight Show playing "California Dreamin'"² with a children's choir dressed in red sweater vests³. I'm on an every-other-day showering schedule⁴ and seem to have grown a full beard. All in all, a vibe of general weirdness. After consulting experts in the field, I've learned that this can mean one of only eight (8) things:

1. I am starring in a remake of Mr. Mom (sans children)
2. I am slowly dying of consumption
3. I have been drugged by an international cabal of bloggers in an effort to silence me
4. I have mono
5. I'm really just bored
6. I need a job
7. Ennui

I'm pretty sure that I would be aware of #1 because I wouldn't have to make my own coffee. #2 would require me to live in the 19th century. There is no motive for #3, as I have been pretty silent on my own. I haven't kissed anyone, ruling out #4. #5 has possibilities. I think #6 and #7 are the prime suspects, though. Luckily, I have been contacted about a job and should find out about it at any minute. And if I don't get it, I expect #7 will consume me.


1. Not blogging appears to be my biggest hobby lately. I just opened a new post and started writing, resulting in...this.
2. English grammarians need a solution for instances where a word ending in an apostrophe is enclosed in quote marks. It looks retarded.
3. Upon further investigation, this has proven to be all too real. Eek.
4. That's right, ladies. You have a 50/50 chance of catching me all clean. Rowr.