Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I Was So Buzzed

I need a haircut this week, and it prompted me to remember the worst haircut I've ever had.

I'd just moved up to Canada and I didn't have a regular barber like back home. There was a barber shop was right next to my hotel, so I figured "Why not?" Now I know why not. I'm pretty sure he was French, and he was coiffed like he was in a Vidal Sasson ad from 1992. My hair is really easy to cut. Use the #2 razor on the back and sides, and cut it choppy up top.


But Frenchy was, and I quote, "An artist." As he explained to me, some people just cut hair and as a result give the same cuts to everyone. Not Frenchy. He customizes his cut to your face! He took great pains to explain to me that he was thinning my face by cutting my hair short on the side. I didn't have the heart to tell him that the only way he was going to make my face thinner was to come to my house and throw out most of my food.


Just then, some guy who'd apparently had a haircut a day or two ago walked in off the street to say it was the best haircut he'd ever had. Frenchy told me that he gets compliments like that all the time from people who know a good haircut. I got the distinct impression that he didn't think I was one of those people. His lack of optimism was justified, I assure you. Toward the end, he told me that while I can only see my hair from the front, he sees my head from 360 degrees, and can sculpt it the way it looks best. Well DUH. I imagined me looking at my hair and seeing...hair. Then I imagined Frenchy looking at my hair and seeing hundreds of little green glowing symbols falling towards the floor. Friends, I think he was in the Barber Matrix.


Finally, it was over. And the result? I look like I joined the Army. In a hurry. And the damage? $45 Canadian! (Which is about $40 American.) I'm never spending more than $20 on a haircut again.
The only people that should pay more are drag queens and magicians.

13 metawords:

Soda and Candy said...

I too have felt the pain of a bad haircut.

But I'm a girl and I've never paid above $30 for a haircut, so suck it!

RedCurlGirl said...

that's why i keep my hair cut the same. it works, it's hard to screw up, and it keeps me freakin' out!

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Haha, it's happened to us all, man. I might write a post about my worst haircut someday soon because it was MEMORABLE and HORRIFIC and possibly made yours look fabulous.

I too am aiming for a haircut this week as I'm sick of looking like the long lost auburn-headed love child of Janis Joplin. Thing is I hate haircuts and I hate hair salons and I never like the results. Even when like this time I'm just after it being tidied up a bit rather than shortened. I have The Fear.

Cora said...

Oh God! Last summer I decided I wanted bangs.

BIG MISTAKE.

My curly bangs stuck straight up in the air and would NOT go down. I looked like Coolio!!

Hats were my best friend last summer. Absolutely.

Kimmie said...

I have some funky bangs right now, and I've been sporting a barrette to camo it. I'd love to have a drinky-poo with Frenchy. He sounds like fun.

the girl said...

Part of me wishes that you'd added some photographic evidence of your bad hair. Then again, photography of any kind is pretty much out of the question post-bad haircut, at least for me. Why the fuck would you want that documented for posterity?

Unless of course, you're my brother. He once had 80s heavy metal style-hair (it was 2005), but when he decided to get rid of it, he did it in stages, each of which was painstakingly photographed. My favourite stage was when he shaved the front and sides of his head, leaving him with something like a cross between a Friar Tuck 'do and the most hardcore mullet since Billy Ray Cyrus. He wore this style for approximately three weeks. Three weeks too long. Needless to say, those photos still manage to make me throw up in my mouth a little.

xo

miss amy said...

I feel your pain. I once left the local Ultracuts with an effing mullet of all things. It was long ago but the memory still haunts me. Canadian hairdressers must be scissor happy.

The Diva on a Diet said...

When he referred to himself as an "Artist" that was your cue to bail!

My worst haircut occurred in the 80s, when I was in cosmetology school. (I was becoming a make-up artist.) I let one of the hairdressing students cut my hair ... HUGE mistake. She gave me a "bi-level bob" ... which is basically the girls version of a mullet. When she was finished cutting, she did my hair up in the "wet look." WTF?! Its a wonder I ever left the house that summer. Shit, its a wonder I lived through it!

Not to mention the time I thought it was a good idea to bleach my own hair. I have really dark hair ... after two rounds of "Sun-In" the end result was neon orange! Festive, no?

Needless to say there are no pictures of either hair disaster.

Gwen said...

I once got stabbed in the arm with scissors during a cut.

Same gal, different time, cut a huge chunk out of my already-short hair.

That was the last time I went to her.

red said...

Yeah, I don't think men can really complain in this area like women can. Your hair grows back in, like, a day!

Morgan the Muse said...

Nice. I went to the hair salon to, honest to god, get a bowl cut. I tried to get my friend to do it, but she wouldn't. Anyway, they flat out refused to give me what I wanted. Le sigh.

BeckEye said...

I'm saving up to get a really great haircut next month. I need to look good for my Magical Drag Revue.

Prunella Jones said...

This is why I have long hippie hair. Haircuts cost way too much and you need to get them every 6 weeks or so to maintain the style. Plus, I'm a hippie.