I need a haircut this week, and it prompted me to remember the worst haircut I've ever had. I'd just moved up to Canada and I didn't have a regular barber like back home. There was a barber shop was right next to my hotel, so I figured "Why not?" Now I know why not. I'm pretty sure he was French, and he was coiffed like he was in a Vidal Sasson ad from 1992. My hair is really easy to cut. Use the #2 razor on the back and sides, and cut it choppy up top.
But Frenchy was, and I quote, "An artist." As he explained to me, some people just cut hair and as a result give the same cuts to everyone. Not Frenchy. He customizes his cut to your face! He took great pains to explain to me that he was thinning my face by cutting my hair short on the side. I didn't have the heart to tell him that the only way he was going to make my face thinner was to come to my house and throw out most of my food.
Just then, some guy who'd apparently had a haircut a day or two ago walked in off the street to say it was the best haircut he'd ever had. Frenchy told me that he gets compliments like that all the time from people who know a good haircut. I got the distinct impression that he didn't think I was one of those people. His lack of optimism was justified, I assure you. Toward the end, he told me that while I can only see my hair from the front, he sees my head from 360 degrees, and can sculpt it the way it looks best. Well DUH. I imagined me looking at my hair and seeing...hair. Then I imagined Frenchy looking at my hair and seeing hundreds of little green glowing symbols falling towards the floor. Friends, I think he was in the Barber Matrix.
Finally, it was over. And the result? I look like I joined the Army. In a hurry. And the damage? $45 Canadian! (Which is about $40 American.) I'm never spending more than $20 on a haircut again. The only people that should pay more are drag queens and magicians.
