It's been a weird week here at WWW Headquarters. I'm drifting in and out of sleep at strange hours. I'm not eating very much, and eating foods at weird times of the day. My head swims and starts lucidly dreaming while I'm watching Jeopardy! or reading or not blogging1. The lucid dreams are so surreal that it looks like John Mayer is on The Tonight Show playing "California Dreamin'"2 with a children's choir dressed in red sweater vests3. I'm on an every-other-day showering schedule4 and seem to have grown a full beard. All in all, a vibe of general weirdness. After consulting experts in the field, I've learned that this can mean one of only eight (8) things:
1. I am starring in a remake of Mr. Mom (sans children)
2. I am slowly dying of consumption
3. I have been drugged by an international cabal of bloggers in an effort to silence me
4. I have mono
5. I'm really just bored
6. I need a job
7. Ennui
I'm pretty sure that I would be aware of #1 because I wouldn't have to make my own coffee. #2 would require me to live in the 19th century. There is no motive for #3, as I have been pretty silent on my own. I haven't kissed anyone, ruling out #4. #5 has possibilities. I think #6 and #7 are the prime suspects, though. Luckily, I have been contacted about a job and should find out about it at any minute. And if I don't get it, I expect #7 will consume me.
1. Not blogging appears to be my biggest hobby lately. I just opened a new post and started writing, resulting in...this.
2. English grammarians need a solution for instances where a word ending in an apostrophe is enclosed in quote marks. It looks retarded.
3. Upon further investigation, this has proven to be all too real. Eek.
4. That's right, ladies. You have a 50/50 chance of catching me all clean. Rowr.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
The Road Not Taken
I was talking with a friend last night about the old story that Hitler only turned to politics when he was denied admittance to art school. We wondered how the world might be different if only some art professor had been a little more enthusiastic about young Adolf's portfolio. After a little research, I discovered that many of the world's dictators and genocidal maniacs had a dream cruelly dashed before taking out their revenge on the world. A sampling:
Josef Stalin: Was a promising flautist before being demoted to second chair in the school orchestra and concluding that meritocracy sucked.
Pol Pot: Won championships at hundreds of quilting bees before his girlfriend left him over his obsession; soon decided that the arts were indulgent and vain.
Idi Amin: Enjoyed floral arrangement until he was drafted and subsequently ridiculed by his Army buddies; vowed revenge on everyone, saying "I'll eat your children!" decades before Mike Tyson did.
Benito Mussolini: Was an exceptionally emotive dancer until his career derailed when a late train caused him to miss an audition for the Bolshoi Ballet. A distraught Mussolini pledged to improve the efficiency of public services at any cost.
Kim Jong-Il: Harbored dreams of a career in the NBA; despite his outstanding defensive play, his diminutive stature limited his potential and he soon developed a Napoleon complex.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Love Letters
Last night I went to the movies. I went down to the parking garage of my apartment building and found two notes under my windshield wiper. Immediately I thought, "Oh great, someone hit me." Instead, I found some delightfully weird notes, which I responded to.
A-hole Note #1:
Management: Please be advised that I will be parking in my space tomorrow in the Evening (sic). Please let your son's girlfriend know so that she can make other arrangements. I've left 2 messages on the voicemail!
Thank you, A-hole in #306
A-hole Note #2:
Please move your car.
I was concerned that this person would park in my spot while I was at the movies, so I left a note of my own and taped it to the pillar adjoining my spot.
My Note #1:
To the person requesting that I vacate my own parking space:
I am not management. Barring a bout of amnesia and gender reassignment surgery, I am also not the manager's son's girlfriend. I am a tenant and I've lived here for eight years. And this is my parking space. I expect that when I return later this evening, my space will remain unoccupied. Regards, WWW.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Things I Would Apparently Rather Do Than Write In My Blog
Play Activision Ice Hockey over and over again until I can beat the computer 30-0 (I'm up to 26-2)
Watch episode after episode (after episode) of Pawn Stars
Break the world record for number of different ways to cook eggs
Not work on my screenplay
Compete on Dancing With The Stars*
Make voodoo dolls of Tony Romo and Jerry Jones
Socialize with friends (Dripping with irony, but true)
Become the first person to successfully read the entire internet
Stay up until 5:00 in the morning and sleep 'til noon
Watch my blog slowly die
Leave a flaming bag of poo on Jay Leno's front porch
Find a new job
Compile a half-assed list and pass it off as a blog entry
Watch episode after episode (after episode) of Pawn Stars
Break the world record for number of different ways to cook eggs
Not work on my screenplay
Compete on Dancing With The Stars*
Make voodoo dolls of Tony Romo and Jerry Jones
Socialize with friends (Dripping with irony, but true)
Become the first person to successfully read the entire internet
Stay up until 5:00 in the morning and sleep 'til noon
Watch my blog slowly die
Leave a flaming bag of poo on Jay Leno's front porch
Find a new job
Compile a half-assed list and pass it off as a blog entry
* Just seeing if you're paying attention
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Grading Christmas
In an effort to exploit the fact that nobody I know in real life is aware of my blog (unless I actually met them THROUGH my blog), I proudly continue my annual tradition of ungratefully...
Mountain Man Dance Moves: The McSweeney's Book of Lists
This is a volume of strange lists from the editors of the periodical McSweeney's. Prior lists from McSweeney's are the inspiration for some strange lists I've had in my blog. I think this book, while hilarious, has the most white space of any book ever published. Despite a length of 224 pages, I finished it in the space of one cross-country flight with a layover. Also highly recommended is another McSweeney's book, Created In Darkness By Troubled Americans.
Grade: A
Phillies vs. Dodgers baseball tickets
As a Philly fan living in Los Angeles, I always try to see my teams when they come to town. Normally a tremendous gift. However, tickets for the upcoming season have not yet gone on sale. So the gift was offered with instructions to either buy the tickets when they go on sale and ask the giver for reimbursement or ask the giver for his credit card number to make the purchase. Which brings up the sticky situation of how much the giver intends to spend...tickets range from about $15 to well in the hundreds. Giving a gift might be stressful, but receiving a gift should be easy! The grade was adjusted accordingly for emotional distress.
Grade: B
Roll With You by Eli "Paperboy" Reed & The True Loves
This is a great CD by one of the finest current practitioners of 60s-style Motown soul. However, the reason it made this list is because of what my brother said when presenting the gift. "Whatever the hell this shit is, Merry Christmas."
Grade: A
Under Great White Northern Lights box set by The White Stripes
For the obsessive fan in your life. The box contains a documentary, a live DVD, a live album (on both CD and vinyl), a hardcover book, and a silkscreen print. The White Stripes' emphasis on art direction has never been put to better use. It doesn't arrive until March, but I've already had several wet dreams about finally clutching it to my bosom. Technicality: Because it actually hasn't been released yet, I pre-ordered it with Christmas money. So the credit for actually choosing the gift (and for the excellent grade) belongs to me.
Grade: A
Atari 2600 Video Computer System
Yes. The original. The best game system ever devised - save it, Nintendo apologists. My parents are moving, and when I was home for the holidays we cleaned out the attic and found about 30 Atari game cartridges from way back in the day. I immediately decided to take them home with me and find an Atari 2600 system. It should arrive any day now, and I couldn't be more excited. The Christmas that my brother and I first received the Atari, back in 1979 or so, we hardly got to play it. All my aunts and uncles (most in their 50s, mind you) who came over for dinner became enchanted with Freeway, a Frogger-like game in which you are a chicken trying to cross the road. We barely touched the prized gift until the next day. This remains one of my family's favorite Christmas stories. Technicality: Another gift purchased by me with Christmas money.
Grade: A+ (if it works)
Donald Duck Skydiver
My father instituted a new Christmas tradition once my brother and I became adults. He goes to the dollar store every year and gets each of us a toy so that there are still toys given out at Christmas. I got a Donald Duck figure with a plastic parachute. Of course, I immediately went out in two feet of snow to see if it worked. If you wrap it loosely, it really works. If you wrap it tightly, Donald is a stain. To my chagrin, the packaging did not explain the dramatic events that might have required Donald Duck to jump out of an airplane. I guess for a dollar you can get a toy, but not a narrative.
Grade: B
If any of you would like me to grade your Christmas haul, simply email me the list of gifts you received and I will be happy to heartlessly quantify how well you did. Consider it my gift to you.
Grading The Christmas Gifts
Mountain Man Dance Moves: The McSweeney's Book of Lists
This is a volume of strange lists from the editors of the periodical McSweeney's. Prior lists from McSweeney's are the inspiration for some strange lists I've had in my blog. I think this book, while hilarious, has the most white space of any book ever published. Despite a length of 224 pages, I finished it in the space of one cross-country flight with a layover. Also highly recommended is another McSweeney's book, Created In Darkness By Troubled Americans.
Grade: A
Phillies vs. Dodgers baseball tickets
As a Philly fan living in Los Angeles, I always try to see my teams when they come to town. Normally a tremendous gift. However, tickets for the upcoming season have not yet gone on sale. So the gift was offered with instructions to either buy the tickets when they go on sale and ask the giver for reimbursement or ask the giver for his credit card number to make the purchase. Which brings up the sticky situation of how much the giver intends to spend...tickets range from about $15 to well in the hundreds. Giving a gift might be stressful, but receiving a gift should be easy! The grade was adjusted accordingly for emotional distress.
Grade: B
Roll With You by Eli "Paperboy" Reed & The True Loves
This is a great CD by one of the finest current practitioners of 60s-style Motown soul. However, the reason it made this list is because of what my brother said when presenting the gift. "Whatever the hell this shit is, Merry Christmas."
Grade: A
Under Great White Northern Lights box set by The White Stripes
For the obsessive fan in your life. The box contains a documentary, a live DVD, a live album (on both CD and vinyl), a hardcover book, and a silkscreen print. The White Stripes' emphasis on art direction has never been put to better use. It doesn't arrive until March, but I've already had several wet dreams about finally clutching it to my bosom. Technicality: Because it actually hasn't been released yet, I pre-ordered it with Christmas money. So the credit for actually choosing the gift (and for the excellent grade) belongs to me.
Grade: A
Atari 2600 Video Computer System
Yes. The original. The best game system ever devised - save it, Nintendo apologists. My parents are moving, and when I was home for the holidays we cleaned out the attic and found about 30 Atari game cartridges from way back in the day. I immediately decided to take them home with me and find an Atari 2600 system. It should arrive any day now, and I couldn't be more excited. The Christmas that my brother and I first received the Atari, back in 1979 or so, we hardly got to play it. All my aunts and uncles (most in their 50s, mind you) who came over for dinner became enchanted with Freeway, a Frogger-like game in which you are a chicken trying to cross the road. We barely touched the prized gift until the next day. This remains one of my family's favorite Christmas stories. Technicality: Another gift purchased by me with Christmas money.
Grade: A+ (if it works)
Donald Duck Skydiver
My father instituted a new Christmas tradition once my brother and I became adults. He goes to the dollar store every year and gets each of us a toy so that there are still toys given out at Christmas. I got a Donald Duck figure with a plastic parachute. Of course, I immediately went out in two feet of snow to see if it worked. If you wrap it loosely, it really works. If you wrap it tightly, Donald is a stain. To my chagrin, the packaging did not explain the dramatic events that might have required Donald Duck to jump out of an airplane. I guess for a dollar you can get a toy, but not a narrative.
Grade: B
If any of you would like me to grade your Christmas haul, simply email me the list of gifts you received and I will be happy to heartlessly quantify how well you did. Consider it my gift to you.
Friday, January 1, 2010
The Best Whatever Of 2009
Many bloggers are posting lists of their ten favorite movies, music, books or TV shows of the year. For me to come up with ten of anything, I'd be including about 60% filler. In that spirit, we at words...words...words... present to you:
WWW's 10 Best Whatever Of 2009
10. Winning Firecrotch Of The Year at The Pop Eye
Because being handsome, single and charming is not enough for me. I must be told by strangers that I am marginally funnier than other funny bloggers.
9. Attending the NFC Championship Game
Despite such things as driving six hours and spending $200 on a ticket to watch my Eagles lose to the Arizona frickin' Cardinals, spraining my ankle, and getting jumped outside the stadium, it was a grea...you know, this probably should be in the "Worst Whatevers of 2009" list.
8. Being Employed For 11 Months
Which is about 9 more months than I was employed in 2008.
7. Eating at Pizzeria Mozza
Mario Batali, if you weren't a man and also constantly handling fish, I would kiss you.
6. Up In The Air and Inglourious Basterds
Don't make me pick. I want a job that keeps me on the road 300 days a year like George Clooney's character has. Unless it gets me captured by Nazis like Brad Pitt's character.
5. Groupon
I'm not getting paid for this. It's just that awesome. Every day you get emailed an offer for a crazy good discount on a restaurant, retail store, attraction or service in your city. If enough people agree to buy it, the deal is on.
4. Texts From Last Night
For when you need to know that other people have lives more depraved and horrific than yours.
3. Taking My Nephew To The Movies
Watching him and a theater full of other kids inexplicably enjoy what I spent the last year working on was very gratifying. And also a reminder that little kids are stupid.
2. Winning My Fantasy Football League (for the third time in six years)
What else earns you bragging rights over nine of your friends, gives you an excuse to watch as much football as you want in the name of "research", and nets you $300?
And the Single Best Thing about 2009 is...
1. This:
I did not laugh at anything harder this year. I want to buy a hamster and name him Rodney Stanger. Enjoy!
10. Winning Firecrotch Of The Year at The Pop Eye
Because being handsome, single and charming is not enough for me. I must be told by strangers that I am marginally funnier than other funny bloggers.
9. Attending the NFC Championship Game
Despite such things as driving six hours and spending $200 on a ticket to watch my Eagles lose to the Arizona frickin' Cardinals, spraining my ankle, and getting jumped outside the stadium, it was a grea...you know, this probably should be in the "Worst Whatevers of 2009" list.
8. Being Employed For 11 Months
Which is about 9 more months than I was employed in 2008.
7. Eating at Pizzeria Mozza
Mario Batali, if you weren't a man and also constantly handling fish, I would kiss you.
6. Up In The Air and Inglourious Basterds
Don't make me pick. I want a job that keeps me on the road 300 days a year like George Clooney's character has. Unless it gets me captured by Nazis like Brad Pitt's character.
5. Groupon
I'm not getting paid for this. It's just that awesome. Every day you get emailed an offer for a crazy good discount on a restaurant, retail store, attraction or service in your city. If enough people agree to buy it, the deal is on.
4. Texts From Last Night
For when you need to know that other people have lives more depraved and horrific than yours.
3. Taking My Nephew To The Movies
Watching him and a theater full of other kids inexplicably enjoy what I spent the last year working on was very gratifying. And also a reminder that little kids are stupid.
2. Winning My Fantasy Football League (for the third time in six years)
What else earns you bragging rights over nine of your friends, gives you an excuse to watch as much football as you want in the name of "research", and nets you $300?
And the Single Best Thing about 2009 is...
1. This:
I did not laugh at anything harder this year. I want to buy a hamster and name him Rodney Stanger. Enjoy!
Christmas Throwdown!
Scoffers always contend that professional athletes are selfish children who don't care about anyone but themselves and their own egos. As will be amply demonstrated, some athletes have virtually no ego (or self-respect) at all. Let's examine the holiday greetings offered by the Cincinnati Bengals and the Detroit Pistons and see who comes out on top! Are you ready for a throwdown??
Song: "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town"
Performed By: Cincinnati Bengals
Musical Skills: Nearly competent
Enthusiasm: Jolly
Best Thing: Orange Santa hats
Worst Thing: They're the Cincinnati Bengals
MVP: #52 and his spine-tingling falsetto
Suggested Album Title: Grab A Tiger By The Tail...And It Will Sound Like This
Song: "Jingle Bells"
Performed By: Detroit Pistons
Musical Skills: Nonexistent
Enthusiasm: Similar to that of people singing at gunpoint
Best Thing: Everything Rasheed Wallace does
Worst Thing: Everything everyone else does
MVP: Rasheed Wallace for breaking it down AND doing the Carlton Banks dance
Suggested Album Title: The Detroit Pistons Listlessly Mumble The Classics
WINNER: Pistons!
Song: "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town"
Performed By: Cincinnati Bengals
Musical Skills: Nearly competent
Enthusiasm: Jolly
Best Thing: Orange Santa hats
Worst Thing: They're the Cincinnati Bengals
MVP: #52 and his spine-tingling falsetto
Suggested Album Title: Grab A Tiger By The Tail...And It Will Sound Like This
Song: "Jingle Bells"
Performed By: Detroit Pistons
Musical Skills: Nonexistent
Enthusiasm: Similar to that of people singing at gunpoint
Best Thing: Everything Rasheed Wallace does
Worst Thing: Everything everyone else does
MVP: Rasheed Wallace for breaking it down AND doing the Carlton Banks dance
Suggested Album Title: The Detroit Pistons Listlessly Mumble The Classics
The Verdict
The Bengals put forth a more consistent effort and showed far more teamwork than the Pistons. However, even collectively, they cannot outshine the incandescent talent that is Rasheed Wallace.WINNER: Pistons!
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