Sunday, October 11, 2009

Counterfactual Football

It is a well-established fact that Blogland is deserted on the weekends, so I am going to take this opportunity to slip a football-related post under the radar. Not only a football-related post, but a post that requires you to be insanely into football to appreciate. In other words, I should have just emailed it to MJenks.

I was talking with a friend about the recent signing of Michael Crabtree by the San Francisco 49ers. Crabtree was the last draft pick to sign, waiting until four games into the season to realize that he can't make any money until he signs a contract. I said that I thought Crabtree's attitude and long holdout would make him a bust. My friend, who is a Raider fan (poor guy) agreed and hilariously added that the Raiders would find a way to give the New England Patriots their first round pick for him. I decided to try to figure out a way that this could be possible, despite the fact that the Patriots are not involved in these events at all. This is what I came up with:

1. Crabtree is a bust and the 49ers cut him after the 2011 season because they can't find a trade partner.

2. Several teams show mild interest, but a humbled Crabtree chooses the Patriots and their offer of the league minimum for the chance to be Bill Belichick's next reclamation project and to catch passes from Tom Brady in the twilight of his career.

3. The Patriots showcase Crabtree in several preseason games, forcing him the ball in the second half against soon-to-be-unemployed defenders. "Unnamed sources" whisper that the team is high on him and he is expected to start.

4. Hearing the rumor, the Raiders offer their first round pick in 2013 and undrafted rookie wide receiver Alan Smithee for Crabtree. The Patriots "grudgingly" accept.

5. The cryogenically frozen head of Al Davis declares a new age of vertical offense in Oakland, built around the talents of Crabtree and rookie QB Ken Stabler, Jr. Davis' head refers to the Raiders as "an elite NFL franchise" six times in the four-minute press conference.

6. The Raiders start the 2012 season 0-6. Crabtree and offensive coordinator Art Shell (on his fourth tour of duty) get into a shoving match on the sideline during a 37-6 loss to the Chiefs.

7. The Raiders collapse and finish 3-13, securing the first pick in the 2013 draft...for the Patriots. Meanwhile, in New England, Alan Smithee catches 89 passes and wins the Offensive Rookie Of The Year award.

8. The Patriots make 17 trades on draft day, eventually parlaying the #1 pick and some spare parts into the entire third round of the draft.

Go on, tell me it's that unreasonable.

9 metawords:

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

The only unreasonable thing here is that you think the Chiefs will be capable of scoring 37 points by 2012.

Then again...that could be the end of the world as we know it would almost make sense.

Morgan the Muse said...

I wanted you to know that I am here, and no, I am not into football. Good day. :D

Soda and Candy said...

Oh, you men and your football. I'm just going to sit here until the next post and think about products I might like to purchase. Ahh... Hmm. Ooh!

; )

red said...

It is unreasonable to have Al Davis' frozen head give a press conference. It's obvious that man will never die.

BeckEye said...

I would've cared more had you been blathering on about the Steelers.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I like that team with the pink shoes. Pink is pretty.

Soda and Candy said...

Also, hahahahahhaa, Alan Smithee.

; )

~E said...

LMAO at #5.

And WHAT? there's a team with pink shoes? Where the hell was I when this happened?

Oh yeah, too busy watching their hands and the uhm...tight ends ;)

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I was a tight end.

I played the position and upheld my title quite well, thank you.