Wednesday, October 28, 2009

A Guide To The World Series

Lo, it is October and the World Series is upon us. This year's Fall Classic begins tonight. It matches the hubristic and morally bankrupt New York Yankees against my own hometown Philadelphia Phillies. Many of you in blogland are not sports fans, and so I have created a guide to help you decide who to throw your support behind. Let's have a look at some of the players, shall we?

Meet Yankees starting pitcher C.C. Sabathia. C.C. was suspended this year for hiding that giant hamburger under his hat. He also tried to eat teammate Joba Chamberlain.

Most people know this fellow, shortstop Derek Jeter. Derek enjoys visiting strip clubs and hanging baby kittens upside down until they cry.

Here is noted philanderer and Yankee Alex Rodriguez. Alex has dated Madonna and Kate Hudson, and apparently longs to make love to himself. Sadly, this photo is not manipulated in any way. Oh, and he also shot a dude.

Shown here is the Phillies' Gold Glove centerfielder Shane Victorino during a game this season in which he spied a baby falling from the stands. As usual, Shane made the catch with aplomb.

Relief pitcher and good neighbor Brad Lidge spent his offseason helping fans move. Lift with your legs, Brad!

Finally, as everyone knows by now, MVP slugger Ryan Howard singlehandedly apprehended Osama bin Laden while on a trip to Afghanistan to give food and medicine to orphans.

I hope this simple (and entirely objective) guide has helped you familiarize yourself with the teams and decide your rooting interests for this year's World Series. Play ball!

14 metawords:

Dr Zibbs said...

Let me just tell you this my Phillies loving friend - you wouldn't believe how many people I saw wearing Phillies gear today.

Also. When are you going to leave a comment on my blog? Did you write me off?

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I love how you wrote that with absolutely no bias whatsoever. However, one thing. The Phillies are National League and everyone knows that's akin to being a mouth-breathing deviant pedophile. If pitchers were meant to bat they'd be batters. WTF?

So I have to get behind the Yankees, not just because my years in NYC made me a fan but because I stand up for the team the world hates. Yep. Plus the Yankees always lose the first game of the series when they intend doing well. So far so good.

Other than that I really don't care that much. :)

Soda and Candy said...

I can honestly say this is the best sports-related post I have ever read on the Internet.

And maybe it's not just because I didn't bother to read the others.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I thought I'd add here that Brad Lidge went to Notre Dame.

Beth said...

I'm going to have to agree with Soda and Candy here. Thank you for helping me understand the sport.

words...words...words... said...

Zibbsy: I wish I were home! Also, I've been checking in, but I've been slacking on comments everywhere lately.

Veggie: The American League is barely a notch above beer-league softball. The National League is where it's at!

S&C: I work hard to make my sports posts accessible to all. Except that football one a couple weeks ago. That was probably Greek to you.

mjenks: I will continue to root for him anyway :p

Beth: That's what I'm here for. That and the buffet.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Hmm, this is actually very informative. Mrs IR was asking who I thought we should root for, and I had no idea. I shall show her this post forthwith.

red said...

I'm really torn. On one hand, a Phillies repeat will make their fans even more insufferable, but on the other, the Yankees are evil. I suppose I'll stick to my original plan and pretended the World Series is canceled this year

words...words...words... said...

Red: Your fears are understandable, however, the Phillies would have to win about sixteen World Series in a row for their fans to be as insufferable as Sawx or Yanks fans. I should be the shining example of a reasonable and good-natured Phillies fan. I didn't even point out in my post how Mariano Rivera likes to push old people down stairs.

BeckEye said...

You're such an idiot. But I love any post that disses the Yankees. Although I still would totally do Alex Rodriguez. I would probably keep it a secret though.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

First, this is awesome.

Second, A-Rod is disgusting.

Third, I'm such a sensitive animal lover that I actually worried that maybe the kittens you photoshopped were taken from a photo in which the subject was actually holding the kittens by their tails. Also, I'm still at the point with Photoshop where I have to remind myself it's not real.

This post is lady-friendly. Good work.

words...words...words... said...

Beck: You always say the sweetest things.

Steamy: Good thought. Let it be known that the kittens were lifted from pictures in which they were nestled in a basket with a ball of yarn. Carried by Derek Jeter. On the way to the strip club.

Falwless said...

Best. Sports. Post. Ever.


Gwen said...

Your unbiased reporting is worthy of a Pulitzer.