Wednesday, April 22, 2009

The Tweet Hereafter

According to an article in this month's National Geographic, Twitter is not new. Recent discoveries of records from the past indicate that people with short attention spans from previous generations were also able to tweet to their heart's content. Here is a sampling of some tweets that the research turned up:

Going 2 theater, BBL
- Abraham Lincoln

Got a new job...captain of an unsinkable ship! Just need ice for my drink and I'm all good.
- Captain Edward John Smith

IM winning by so much I can tweet during my race. Dude with gay mustache looks mad.
- Jesse Owens

We've heard the last from these doods. USA FTW!
- Gen. Norman Schwartzkopf

I WIN! Looking at carpet swatches atm.
- Thomas Dewey

Romans are hassling ppl, going to this garden Judas knows to chill and stay under the radar.
- Jesus

This stand will B my best yet!
- Gen. George Custer

Bunch of peeps in boats and funny hats came 2 call. Seem friendly. One is kinda hot.
- Pocahontas

Got a great spot to see Prez. One street sign in the way but it shouldn't matter much.
- Abraham Zapruder

21 metawords:

sista #2 said...

LOL I loved what Jesus tweeted.

peace
#2

Mr London Street said...

This tends to suggest a causal link between Twittering and death. Sadly the facts don't appear to support this.

BeckEye said...

New Bible verse translations pretty much prove that Jesus is sending all Twitter users directly to hell as soon as he comes back.

Girl Interrupted said...

I always suspected Pocahontas was the twittering kinda gal! (she did naked cartwheels to "entertain" Smith and his men ... brazen hussy!)

Dr Zibbs said...

Wait. This thing doesn't make liquor - Eli Whitney.

(yet another reference to Mr Cotton Gin)

Cora said...

Now I'm even more scared of Twitter.

Soda and Candy said...

Damn, I have to google Thomas Dewey & Abraham Zapruder.

Stop being more knowledgeable than me!!!

*fist shake*

The Diva on a Diet said...

Brilliant all, but Jesus just slayed me. I'm dead now, of laughter.

words...words...words... said...

Argh, I totally boned the Jesus one. It's better now :)

180|360 said...

if i read one more twitter article in the ny times i'm going to close my account. conversely, you should totally submit this to the ny times. at least it would make me laugh.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

So...I have to say...when you started out, I was like "Yeah, hey, Lincoln, the Titanic...heh..." But then you seriously knocked the ball out of the park with the Jesse Owens one and kept up the high level of hilarity thereafter. Well done. Well done. Pocahontas was most excellently done.

red said...

Who knew Schwartzkopf was a poor speller?

The Diva on a Diet said...

words - you're right, it IS better now! (Though the first was still funny.)

H said...

"Argh, I totally boned the Jesus one." - now that is classic!

Prunella Jones said...

I'd follow Jesus' tweets. Hearing what the Messiah had for lunch would be pretty interesting.

TishTash said...

Custer was my favorite.

You should do another edition, this was boss.

~E said...

Romans are hassling ppl, going to this garden Judas knows to chill and stay under the radar.
- Jesus

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Man, you're SO going to hell for that one. ;)

LiLu said...

This is freaking hilarious... love the Jesus one!

Falwless said...

You're brill, as per usual.

Gwen said...

Headed to Senate to read petition. BRB.
-J. Ceasar

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Oh Gwen...you know how to make me fall caput over calcaneous for you.