The Academy Awards are this Sunday, and I hear that aside from making it difficult for me to drive in Hollywood for a whole goddamn week, these awards chiefly exist for gambling purposes. The Oscars are the gambling equivalent of the Super Bowl for hipsters who hate sports because they were never any good at them.
In keeping with this tradition, we here at WWW are offering a list of proposition bets for the Oscar telecast. Print it out and share with your friends or people you want to take money from. Enjoy!
Hosts Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin open the show with jokes about how inane and vapid Hollywood is, then proceed to unironically host three hours of inane and vapid festivities
ODDS: 1-5
Randy Newman zones out and performs one of his nominated songs from prior years and no one notices
ODDS: 3-2
James Cameron speaks in N'avi during an acceptance speech
ODDS: EVEN
A nerd watching from a basement in Racine, Wisconsin corrects Cameron's grammar
ODDS: 5-2
Best Actor nominee Jeremy Renner wins, and in his excitement, tongue kisses presenter Whoopi Goldberg
ODDS: 103-1
Host Steve Martin makes a joke about Jack Nicholson's age and the camera shows Jack in sunglasses pretending to make the "I'll kick your ass later" gesture
ODDS: 1-3
Nicholson actually kicks Martin's ass outside after the show
ODDS: 17-1
The Price Waterhouse guys wear ill-fitting rental tuxedos OR flub their lines
ODDS: OFF THE BOARD
A winner forgets to thank their spouse in an acceptance speech
ODDS: 4-1
The Dead People Montage is set to Michael Jackson's "You Are Not Alone"
ODDS: 3-1
The Dead People Montage is set to Patrick Swayze's "She's Like The Wind"
ODDS: 99-1
In his closing remarks Alec Baldwin tells his daughter, "Okay, you little pig, you can go to bed now!"
ODDS: 6-1
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Friday, March 5, 2010
10,000 WWW Fans Can't Be Wrong
Sometime last night, some bored person in Fairfield, California who clicked a wrong link became the 10,000th visitor to this here blog! Big ups to the anonymous reader. If this were a supermarket, I'd give you a one-minute shopping spree and see how much you can cram in the cart. Unfortunately, this is a blog and it doesn't work like that.
Mr. or Mrs. or Miss or Ms. Fairfield found the blog by Googling the phrase "30 pounds overweight". I'm sure there is a message in that, but I can't hear it over the deafening sound of chewing my highly-sugared bowl of Cap'n Crunch.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Medals!
We've had some laughs, but alas, it is finally time to choose a winner in WWW's Olympic Comment Contest. There were some hard chargers, but in the end there are only three medals to award. Let's see who stands atop the podium.
BRONZE
The bronze medal is awarded to Red of Gingers Is The Watchword. Not for any particular comment, but for her shameless whoring in an effort to win. Here at WWW, we respect competitiveness and ass-kissing. For her efforts, Red will receive this spiffy Certificate of Participation, suitable for framing.
SILVER
The silver medal goes to BeckEye of The Pop Eye for her comment on the entry "Words On Assignment".
"Aren't all your former drunken hookups also relatives? Don't be redundant, dude."
BeckEye will receive a case of Turtle Wax and Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco Treat.
GOLD
The gold medal, the chintzy Olympic souvenir, and our hearty congratulations go to none other than MJenks of Vita Brevis. MJenks' winning comment appeared in the entry "Olympic Joke-Off":
"In a bit of movie magic, we see both Heath Ledger AND the Joker showing off their silver medals."
MJenks managed to not only imply that innocent bystander/ice dancer Meryl Davis looked like a man, but also a facially maimed homicidal psychopathic man. I respect this. In hoc signo vinces, my good man! Email me your address and your prize is on its way!
BRONZEThe bronze medal is awarded to Red of Gingers Is The Watchword. Not for any particular comment, but for her shameless whoring in an effort to win. Here at WWW, we respect competitiveness and ass-kissing. For her efforts, Red will receive this spiffy Certificate of Participation, suitable for framing.
SILVERThe silver medal goes to BeckEye of The Pop Eye for her comment on the entry "Words On Assignment".
"Aren't all your former drunken hookups also relatives? Don't be redundant, dude."
BeckEye will receive a case of Turtle Wax and Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco Treat.
GOLDThe gold medal, the chintzy Olympic souvenir, and our hearty congratulations go to none other than MJenks of Vita Brevis. MJenks' winning comment appeared in the entry "Olympic Joke-Off":
"In a bit of movie magic, we see both Heath Ledger AND the Joker showing off their silver medals."
MJenks managed to not only imply that innocent bystander/ice dancer Meryl Davis looked like a man, but also a facially maimed homicidal psychopathic man. I respect this. In hoc signo vinces, my good man! Email me your address and your prize is on its way!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
A Town By Any Other Name Smells Just As Pungent
On the drive up to Vancouver, I saw this road sign and laughed my ass off. I made sure to be ready on the way back to capture it for your amusement. I know that California has some of the most lenient drug laws in the nation, but this was still shocking.
This also closes the book on my Olympic Comment Contest. The best comment on any of my Olympic entries up to and including this one wins a souvenir. The ladies especially are encouraged to give an effort - I have two different souvenirs depending on if a man or a woman wins, and to be honest the chick souvenir is WAY better. I'll pick a winner on Wednesday - stay tuned!
This also closes the book on my Olympic Comment Contest. The best comment on any of my Olympic entries up to and including this one wins a souvenir. The ladies especially are encouraged to give an effort - I have two different souvenirs depending on if a man or a woman wins, and to be honest the chick souvenir is WAY better. I'll pick a winner on Wednesday - stay tuned!
Friday, February 26, 2010
Fun With Camera Phones: Vancouver Edition
At first I was alarmed that Mr. Tube Steak was selling his wares openly on the street. Then I remembered that Canada has a much more laid back attitude toward things like this. I must say, $6 for tube steak nestled in buns is a good deal in any country.
An ad featuring Tiger Woods and the words "Perfect Lies". Yeah, not so much apparently. Wordplay!
Olympic Joke-Off!
Viewers of Saturday Night Live are familiar with Weekend Update's "Joke-Off" bit where Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey used to read a news story and then take turns making rapid-fire jokes and trying to top each other. Here at WWW, we're going to try it all by ourselves. Let's see if we're funny enough for two!
Meryl Davis and Charlie White of the United States proudly show off their silver medals for Ice Dancing
Wow, look...
...Christopher Atkins and a chick from the "Black Hole Sun" video won a medal!
...Wooderson from Dazed and Confused and Janice from the Muppets won a medal!
...a guy that looks like Disco Stu if he was in Fraggle Rock and an avatar won a medal!
...a gap-toothed fat guy is making fun of other people's looks!
Meryl Davis and Charlie White of the United States proudly show off their silver medals for Ice DancingWow, look...
...Christopher Atkins and a chick from the "Black Hole Sun" video won a medal!
...Wooderson from Dazed and Confused and Janice from the Muppets won a medal!
...a guy that looks like Disco Stu if he was in Fraggle Rock and an avatar won a medal!
...a gap-toothed fat guy is making fun of other people's looks!
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
This, I Don't Need
A few years ago, my ex-roommate Edie (she of fudge hole fame) introduced me to the concept of the Friend You Hate. According to Edie, everyone has one Friend You Hate. This is a person who is your friend, but you don't actually like them most of the time. If you met this person today, you would never be friends, but you've been friends so long that it doesn't matter.
Amanda is my Friend You Hate. She's the one I stayed with in Vancouver last week for the Olympics. She sealed her Friend You Hate status with the following stunt.
Two months ago, I bought tickets for Amanda and I to go to one of the medal ceremonies at the Olympics. She didn't care which night we went, so I chose a night where medals were being given out in a selection of events that I thought Americans might win. The goal being to experience one of those goosebump moments when you hear the national anthem and see the flag get raised.
Well, my prognosticating abilities proved dead-on-balls accurate. The day before the ceremony, four Americans earned medals to be awarded that night, including golds for Shaun White and Shani Davis. Upon learning this, Amanda confessed that she didn't feel like going. Being (through no fault of her own) Canadian , she felt like she wouldn't enjoy watching a bunch of Americans celebrating. She asked if my friend Liz would like to go in her place. Liz and I found out via Facebook that we were both in Vancouver and had hung out the previous day. This was one of the only things that Amanda and I were going to get to do together, so I asked her if she was sure. She said "let Liz know it's a possibility and that you'll let her know in the morning for sure." I said okay, and the next morning Amanda gave me the go ahead to give the ticket to Liz. Liz and I made plans to meet that night and that was that.
Or so I thought.
Three hours before Liz and I were to meet, Amanda called me. "I know I'm a horrible person, but I'm going to be selfish. A Canadian just won a gold medal to be awarded tonight, and I want my ticket back." Um, WHAT? Didn't I just take great pains to ask you if you were SURE? Amanda seemed to waver, and seemed like she wanted me to make her decision for her. "Am I being really rude?" I told her that yes, she was being really rude, but if she wanted it back I would ask for it. She told me to ask for it. I left a message for Liz apologizing profusely and telling her what happened. And that was that.
Or so I thought.
Fifteen minutes later, Amanda called again. "I feel terrible. Tell her she can have the ticket." And then immediately started wavering again. WHAT. THE. HELL. She clearly wanted me to tell her she wasn't being a jerk. I was not going to do that. You just made me tell this poor girl I was taking her ticket away and now you're jerking us around again? It takes a great deal for me to get angry and raise my voice. I did just that. I told Amanda that she wasn't getting another chance to change her mind. Liz hadn't called back, so I had to assume she was still going to meet me at the venue. I told Amanda I wasn't making Liz come all the way there to turn her away. She was getting the ticket.
Congratulations, Amanda. You are now my Friend You Hate.
And for the record, the ceremony DID cause goosebumps.
P.S. - my Olympic contest is still open. The best comment on any of my Olympic-themed entries (there will be at least one more after this) wins a souvenir I brought back from Vancouver. And trust me, it's awesome.
Amanda is my Friend You Hate. She's the one I stayed with in Vancouver last week for the Olympics. She sealed her Friend You Hate status with the following stunt.
Two months ago, I bought tickets for Amanda and I to go to one of the medal ceremonies at the Olympics. She didn't care which night we went, so I chose a night where medals were being given out in a selection of events that I thought Americans might win. The goal being to experience one of those goosebump moments when you hear the national anthem and see the flag get raised.
Well, my prognosticating abilities proved dead-on-balls accurate. The day before the ceremony, four Americans earned medals to be awarded that night, including golds for Shaun White and Shani Davis. Upon learning this, Amanda confessed that she didn't feel like going. Being (through no fault of her own) Canadian , she felt like she wouldn't enjoy watching a bunch of Americans celebrating. She asked if my friend Liz would like to go in her place. Liz and I found out via Facebook that we were both in Vancouver and had hung out the previous day. This was one of the only things that Amanda and I were going to get to do together, so I asked her if she was sure. She said "let Liz know it's a possibility and that you'll let her know in the morning for sure." I said okay, and the next morning Amanda gave me the go ahead to give the ticket to Liz. Liz and I made plans to meet that night and that was that.
Or so I thought.
Three hours before Liz and I were to meet, Amanda called me. "I know I'm a horrible person, but I'm going to be selfish. A Canadian just won a gold medal to be awarded tonight, and I want my ticket back." Um, WHAT? Didn't I just take great pains to ask you if you were SURE? Amanda seemed to waver, and seemed like she wanted me to make her decision for her. "Am I being really rude?" I told her that yes, she was being really rude, but if she wanted it back I would ask for it. She told me to ask for it. I left a message for Liz apologizing profusely and telling her what happened. And that was that.
Or so I thought.
Fifteen minutes later, Amanda called again. "I feel terrible. Tell her she can have the ticket." And then immediately started wavering again. WHAT. THE. HELL. She clearly wanted me to tell her she wasn't being a jerk. I was not going to do that. You just made me tell this poor girl I was taking her ticket away and now you're jerking us around again? It takes a great deal for me to get angry and raise my voice. I did just that. I told Amanda that she wasn't getting another chance to change her mind. Liz hadn't called back, so I had to assume she was still going to meet me at the venue. I told Amanda I wasn't making Liz come all the way there to turn her away. She was getting the ticket.
Congratulations, Amanda. You are now my Friend You Hate.
And for the record, the ceremony DID cause goosebumps.
P.S. - my Olympic contest is still open. The best comment on any of my Olympic-themed entries (there will be at least one more after this) wins a souvenir I brought back from Vancouver. And trust me, it's awesome.
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