You are about to enter another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a disturbing land of abomination.
The year is 2012. And THIISSS is American Idol!
Seacrest: Welcome back! We've seen it all tonight in this first elimination round, folks. Our Top 12 has brought a social worker with Tourette's Syndrome, a man who lost his leg pushing a baby carriage out from under a falling anvil, and interracial conjoined twins who gave us a stirring rendition of "Ebony And Ivory". But tonight's final contestant may be the most pitiable of all. He tragically pierced his larynx while eating Doritos, and now must speak with an electronic speech synthesizer. Ladies and gentlemen, performing a classic by Michael Jackson, please welcome Rusty Stubbins!
Rusty: BILLIE. JEAN. IS. NOT. MY. LOVER. SHE'S. JUST. A. GIRL. WHO. CLAIMS. THAT. I. AM. THE. ONE. BUT. THE. KID. IS. NOT. MY. SON.
Seacrest: Randy, what did you think of Rusty's performance?
Randy: Dawg, you worked it out, that was HOT! You totally put your own spin on that. It felt like a little Kanye thing going on there with the timbre of your voice, right? It's hard to do a classic like Michael, but you pulled it off. That's the way to end the night!
Paula: Rusty, your aura burns so brightly...you're beautiful...your spirit and warmth shine with an electricity that I can feel...you're exactly what this competition needs. *sob*
Seacrest: Replacing Kara this season, we have a parrot. Parrot, how do you think Rusty did?
Parrot: SQUAWK!...Rusty, your aura burns so brightly...you're beautiful...I love what you're wearing...SQUAWK!...You totally put your own spin on that. It's hard to do a classic like Michael, but you pulled it off...SQUAWK!
Seacrest: Simon Cowell! You liked Rusty in Hollywood Week. Did he keep it going tonight?
Simon: You know, if I'm being honest, that was terrible. It felt really soulless. It was the kind of performance you expect to hear at an automated call center, not a concert stage. I have to say, Rusty, I did like you before and I thought you stood out from the other contestants with voice boxes. But none of what I liked about you was on display in that performance. Even the girl with the cleft palate was better than you tonight.
Seacrest: And finally, we have tonight's guest judge, Clip-Clop the horse. Clip-Clop stars opposite Sarah Jessica Parker in the upcoming Fox romantic comedy Horse-Drawn Marriage, about two horses that fall in love while pulling hansom cabs in Central Park. Clip-Clop, what did you think of Rusty's performance?
Clip-Clop: *whinny* *scuff scuff*
Seacrest: There you have it. If you want to vote for Rusty, dial 1-866-IDOLS-12. Be sure to join us tomorrow night for our elimination show, where one of these hard cases will be asked to go back to the hole in the ground that they came from. Before I go, I'd just like to say that based on tonight, the Mayans had it right about 2012. Seacrest out!