Sunday, March 15, 2009

The Idol Zone

You are about to enter another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a disturbing land of abomination.

The year is 2012. And THIISSS is American Idol!


Seacrest: Welcome back! We've seen it all tonight in this first elimination round, folks. Our Top 12 has brought a social worker with Tourette's Syndrome, a man who lost his leg pushing a baby carriage out from under a falling anvil, and interracial conjoined twins who gave us a stirring rendition of "Ebony And Ivory". But tonight's final contestant may be the most pitiable of all. He tragically pierced his larynx while eating Doritos, and now must speak with an electronic speech synthesizer. Ladies and gentlemen, performing a classic by Michael Jackson, please welcome Rusty Stubbins!

Rusty: BILLIE. JEAN. IS. NOT. MY. LOVER. SHE'S. JUST. A. GIRL. WHO. CLAIMS. THAT. I. AM. THE. ONE. BUT. THE. KID. IS. NOT. MY. SON.

*wild applause*

Seacrest: Randy, what did you think of Rusty's performance?

Randy: Dawg, you worked it out, that was HOT! You totally put your own spin on that. It felt like a little Kanye thing going on there with the timbre of your voice, right? It's hard to do a classic like Michael, but you pulled it off. That's the way to end the night!

Seacrest: Paula?

Paula: Rusty, your aura burns so brightly...you're beautiful...your spirit and warmth shine with an electricity that I can feel...you're exactly what this competition needs. *sob*

Seacrest: Replacing Kara this season, we have a parrot. Parrot, how do you think Rusty did?

Parrot: SQUAWK!...Rusty, your aura burns so brightly...you're beautiful...I love what you're wearing...SQUAWK!...You totally put your own spin on that. It's hard to do a classic like Michael, but you pulled it off...SQUAWK!

Seacrest: Simon Cowell! You liked Rusty in Hollywood Week. Did he keep it going tonight?

Simon: You know, if I'm being honest, that was terrible. It felt really soulless. It was the kind of performance you expect to hear at an automated call center, not a concert stage. I have to say, Rusty, I did like you before and I thought you stood out from the other contestants with voice boxes. But none of what I liked about you was on display in that performance. Even the girl with the cleft palate was better than you tonight.

Seacrest: And finally, we have tonight's guest judge, Clip-Clop the horse. Clip-Clop stars opposite Sarah Jessica Parker in the upcoming Fox romantic comedy Horse-Drawn Marriage, about two horses that fall in love while pulling hansom cabs in Central Park. Clip-Clop, what did you think of Rusty's performance?

Clip-Clop: *whinny* *scuff scuff*

Seacrest: There you have it. If you want to vote for Rusty, dial 1-866-IDOLS-12. Be sure to join us tomorrow night for our elimination show, where one of these hard cases will be asked to go back to the hole in the ground that they came from. Before I go, I'd just like to say that based on tonight, the Mayans had it right about 2012. Seacrest out!

17 metawords:

Poobomber said...

HAHAHA, awesome!!

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Eff me, this is brilliant. You just got my vote for the best blog post of 2009, nay: ever! Christ, I'm going to print this out and frame it. Ace.

The Diva on a Diet said...

FAVORITE. POST. EVER.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

The scary thing is? That's so spot on it's hardly even parody! :)

My vote's on the horse for the final set. Maybe it would go ALL the way if he breaks a limb or something and goes deaf.

Soda and Candy said...

Best AI post ever by anyone.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Is it wrong that I could totally hear that version of Billie Jean in my head while I read that?

Also, nice work dropping the Mayan nugget in there.

Cora said...

HA HA HA! BRILLIANT, Batman! I can so see that happening! ;-)

Morgan the Muse said...

"Clip-Clop"? He sounds like a great judge, myself. I totally trust that horse.

Gwen said...

The only thing more horrific than the performances that year were the beast-with-two=backs rumors about Paula and Clip-Clop.

words words words said...

Gwen, you have no idea how hard I tried to come up with a good Catherine the Great joke. I failed.

Girl Interrupted said...

You should read "Horsing Around: 1001 Great Jokes" by Catherine the Great

Ok, so I failed too ... gotta give a girl credit for trying though! You have my permission to boo loudly :P

Kimizzy said...

Pfft. No shit. I've totally tuned out, save for Beckeye's hilarious recaps. She's all I need.

Rebecca said...

"It felt like a little Kanye thing going on there with the timbre of your voice, right?" This isn't one of those, "Ho, ho, you owe me a new keyboard as I've spit liquid on mine because I am unable to control basic motor skills when I find something funny," statements, but for real, I spilled half my drink down the front of my shirt when I read those words. Sure, I'm partially soused, but damn that was funny and would be funny to the soberest of judges, and Paula, too.

Fancy Schmancy said...

I especially like that Randy Jackson hasn't changed, at all! Beautiful!

Dr Zibbs said...

And on a side note, I just found out that RJ is 52. He looks great for his age even though he's annoying.

miss amy said...

Sooo funny! Great post Words!
Tell me if I'm barking up the wrong tree here but doesn't Paula seem a little less hammered this season?

Amyxx

words words words said...

Actually, Amy, I think Paula is more hammered than ever. She's still saying the same wifty things, but her face just has that completely vacant look like she's the Blind Guy.

Which reminds me, last night I figured out that the Blind Guy always looks like he just got drunk for the first time.