Thursday, November 20, 2008

I Agree, Your Child Is The Next Brando

I spent yesterday working on an open casting call, which is normally orderly and slightly boring, save for some of the things that come out of wannabe actors' mouths. Things like "I was an extra last week in this big group scene, and the assistant director refused to tell us what our motivation was" and "I know I'm 37, but I've been told I look really young, so I can totally play the role of Sexy Co-Ed #3."

This time was different. We were casting for the role of a mischievous four-year-old boy. Imagine if you will, 100 little boys and their eager stage parents put together on a small soundstage waiting for upwards of three hours with nothing to do, eat or drink. In case you have passed out from paralyzing fear, I will pause to allow you to wake up. In the meantime please enjoy this test, which after yesterday sounds less like a humorous lark and more like a valuable job-survival tool: How Many Five-Year-Olds Could You Take In A Fight?

Okay, you back? Good.

The day stumbled out of the gate. The casting call was supposed to begin at 3, and at 3:10 we wondered where everyone was. Usually these things are packed. I went out to investigate, and to my horror I found that the studio guard had directed all our aspiring Culkins to the wrong place. I arrived to find about 200 people lined up along a third-floor outside railing, waiting in front of a vacant office. "HEY!" I yelled up at them. "Any of you people here to audition for Pedro?" After a chorus of annoyed agreement, I led the group of potential Pedros and parents to the actual location. If you've ever wanted to know what it's like to lead a parade...it's okay, I guess.

This complication meant that we had a crush of people to process all at once. Fill out the application, put this numbered sticker on your shirt, come stand on the X and let me take your picture. I have to say, I think baby photographers must have it easy. Kids will smile for you way easier than adults will. Adults are too worried about looking cool. One kid even did the robot in his picture, which doesn't happen nearly enough in pictures of adults. (He got a callback, too.) C'mon, who wouldn't like to see an adult doing the robot in their professional picture for the company directory or a press release? There was one kid who didn't want to smile. I don't even think he wanted to be there. Let's face it, when you're four, it's not you who wants to be an actor. It's your parents who want it for you. Most of the kids seemed happy to be there, but I felt bad for this one.

For three hours, the kids ran around like morons on the concrete floor. I had a bet with somebody about how many kids would get hurt, with an over/under of three. To my amazement, it was zero. I used to be a lifeguard and to this day I always get nervous when kids run around like idiots on concrete. Nobody ever used to get hurt in the water, only running around the pool. There was one really cool kid who wasn't running around, though. He wore a "Vote For Pedro" shirt, which was kind of funny, and he seemed very possessed of himself. After his audition, he even came back over to do his lines for us. Then toward the end, when there were only the six kids left who were going to meet with the director, he even insisted on helping us fold up and put away chairs.

I'd had enough yelling and screaming for one day, and when I got home all I wanted to do (after scheduling a vasectomy) was to soak in the hot tub, have some wine and make some pizza. All of which worked wonderfully. Wouldn't you want to have this at the end of a trying day?




Click for deliciousness.

15 metawords:

Anonymous said...

Everything aside for a moment, can you get me a role in a porno?

Or if they're going to make a new McGyver series, can you get me in as the new lead role? I can make a mean laser out of chicken loaf and staples.

Thanks in advance.

Nej said...

That pizza looks marvelous!!!! Definitely a good way to finish up your day!!!

Red said...

I'd like to make several points:

1. I can take 14 5 year-olds in a fight. Yessss!!!

2. I love how you slip in, "Hey, ladies. I used to be a lifeguard. Oh yeah."

And 3. I don't believe you actually made that pizza. Not because I don't think you could make something so delicious, but because no one has one of those taking-the-pizza-out-of-the-oven thingys at home. That's just ridiculous.

H said...

Ummm I would LOVE pizza, wine and a hottub right now. I will settle for the wine and pizza though.

BTW - I can take on 27 5yr olds. I am one tough broad. I think what turned it was when I was willing to use them as weapons on each other. They're tough. They'll bounce back. Right?

H said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I can take twenty-two 5 year olds in a fight. Also I think the job should go to the kid in the Vote For Pedro shirt.

My new goal in life: doing the robot in pictures... passport, wedding, mugshot.

words...words...words... said...

Poobomber: Yes, but only man-on-man stuff. When can we expect you?

Red: Any advantage I got by mentioning that I used to be a lifeguard would be lost when the poor woman saw my present "physique". Also, I do have a thingy. And a sense that saying "I have a thingy" will provoke much giggling.

beatnikchik: I couldn't be prouder to have inspired your new goal.

To everyone: I'm jealous, I can only take 17 five-year-olds. That's what I get for having 55-year-olds in my age category.

BeckEye said...

I could only take on 12 five-year-olds? That's bullshit!! I must have too many morals and not enough balance.

Falwless said...

Me. Want. Pizza. Cannot. Think. Comment. Now.

~E said...

I would like to have children one day. And I'm assuming that at one point or another all my future children will be age 2-4 (unless I accidentally kill them first). This is why I don't hang around little kids or babies too often. No sense in having the eggs dry up out of fright early yes?

BTW I got 17 5yr olds...which is complete BS. I can drop kick my way out of any kindergarten play ground.

It's because I'm short and Asian isn't it?!?!?!

DAMMIT!!!

ÄsK AliCë said...

Yum, I want that pizza. In the meantime I'm off to beat up some 5 year olds...not sure how many yet.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Fifteen 5 year olds for me! Although I think it may have been more in my life time. Heck, the question about how many fights I've gotten into in my life contained my number of kiddie brawls. You'd be suprised how aggrssive you can get when your child's friends come over for a play date and they decide to play catch with fragile items for display purposes only. I become "puma like".

Gwen said...

This stupid work computer let me get all the way through the survey but gave me a "you can't see this webpage because it isn't for business purposes" when I clicked for my results. Really? You wait until the end? Bastardos.

Can I come over next time you have pizza and hot tub? I promise I won't pee in either.

Jon said...

I can take 25 5-year olds. Which I happen to know from past experience, is about right.

Jenny Jenny Flannery said...

Whoo-hoo! I could take 20!

By the way, that pizza looks magnificent!