Obama Wins Election; Reveals Divine Nature

CHICAGO (AP) - Senator Barack Obama (D-IL) won the 2008 Presidential election Tuesday night, handily defeating his Republican opponent, Senator John McCain of Arizona. Obama received 364 electoral votes to 163 for McCain and also won the popular vote, 52 percent to 46 percent. During his acceptance speech at Grant Park, Obama also revealed His divine nature to a transfixed nation.

Shortly after urging the crowd to "put aside our differences and work together for the good of all Americans", Obama extended His arms from His sides and began to glow with an unearthly light. As the assembled masses gasped, Obama took on a glittering gold countenance and slowly began to ascend from the stage to a height of over 100 feet. Rising together on either side of Obama were Vice-President Elect Joe Biden and Democratic Party mascot/figurehead President Bill Clinton, who began to glow with a slightly dimmer light and assumed positions slightly behind and below the President-Elect.

"Fear not," Obama said, his voice taking on an otherworldly soothing and lyrical tone. "Today you have chosen wisely, America. I told you that a vote for Me was a vote for change, and you have heeded My call." The rapt audience began to shudder, some collapsing in the thrall of sheer Obamamania. "At the stroke of midnight tonight," Obama continued, "the faithful who have voted for Me shall vanish from this Earth as one in a joyful rapture and join Me in Heaven. A Heaven where mortgages are interest-free, war is but a memory, free healthcare is available to even those seeking nose jobs or tattoo removal, and everyone is gay. Those evildoers who have voted for Herr McCain shall remain on this Earth, left behind to fight wars over dwindling oil supplies and gradually succumb to global warming, the fiery hell of their own creation."

After His remarks, Obama remained in the sky flanked by Biden and Clinton, smiling beneficently and basking in the adoration of the crowd. For the remainder of the two hours until midnight, there was singing of songs, holding of hands and dancing of all sorts, even the white kind. As the clock struck, families and loved ones held each other tightly before transforming simultaneously into flashes of blinding light and disappearing from the Earth. The only signs of human life were the clothes left behind by the faithful and the distant sound of wailing and gnashing of teeth from McCain voters coming to terms with their fate. []


Ed. Note: The writer of this article wishes to make a correction.

"Apparently I celebrated too hard last night and ingested some substances with which I have precious little experience. I apologize unreservedly for my characterization of the events at Grant Park. What really happened is that just like every four years, we elected another guy who half the country hates. We're excited and hopeful now. However, it won't be long before he demonstrates that even if he is a very good choice, he is in fact human. Radical change, let alone Rapture, is unlikely because of our inefficient political process, the poisonous influence of lobbyists, and the very real limitations of the office of the President."