Wednesday, November 19, 2008

The Woman's Guide To Sports Fandom

Today more than ever, women are infiltrating the previously all-male world of sports fandom. I am strongly in favor of this trend, as it increases the chances that my future wife will not hassle me to go shopping for dishes when football is on. Sports fandom however, like many avocations, requires specialized knowledge to enjoy it fully and gain the respect of your friends. Relax, ladies. I am here to help. That's why today, UBP is proud to present:

The Woman's Guide To Sports Fandom

Article I: Sports bigamy is prohibited.

Fandom requires loyalty and fidelity. You may only be a fan of one team in each sport, and you may not change teams on a whim. Following are the rules to follow when choosing your favorite teams:

Acceptable Reasons To Choose Your Favorite Team
  • You grew up in the team's home city.
  • You live in the team's home city now.
  • The parent, sibling, or man who introduced you to sports is a fan of the team.
  • You are a fan of a particular player on the team in question because they attended the same college as you. (Keep in mind before making a final decision that you will be stuck with this team after that player retires.)
Unacceptable Reasons To Choose Your Favorite Team
  • You like the team's uniforms or colors.
  • You like the animal that the team is named after (especially cats.)
  • You are attracted to one or more of the players.
  • The team is a consistent winner and you like being associated with winnners.
Acceptable Reasons To Switch Teams
  • Your team moves to another city.
  • The man who made you a fan of your team cheats on you.
  • Your favorite team is the Detroit Lions.

Article II: Participation in betting pools is limited to those with legitimate sports knowledge.

This rule is in place to prevent the girl who picks winners based on what team colors she likes or what team mascot would defeat the other mascot in a fight from winning everyone's money. My female roommate once won several hundred dollars in an NCAA basketball pool by betting on the Kentucky Wildcats "because they were cats and their coach's name was Tubby". This rule should be self-explanatory.

Article III: Women may not wear sports apparel that is specifically tailored for women or which features non-team colors for the sake of fashion.

This rule is designed to stamp out the trend of pink-colored sports hats and jerseys for women, and the babydoll-cut sports jerseys which have infiltrated the sports world. If you are a fan, you can wear the same stuff we wear, and sport the same colors. Wearing pink is like wearing a sandwich board that says "I Know Nothing". Sports fandom is about dedication and loyalty, not about coordinating an outfit. Besides, you look sexier in the real thing. Trust us, the hottest thing you can wear to bed is our broken-in regulation hockey or football jersey.

Article IV: Learn the lingo.

Nothing will give you away faster as a newbie than using the wrong terms. Here are some quick tips:
  • You "root" for a team, you do not "cheer" or "vote" for a team.
  • You also do not "like" a team. In sports, "like" does not denote affection. It's a word people use in the context of gambling to denote which team they think will win, e.g. "I like the Giants this week against the Cowboys, so I took them plus the six points."
  • You do not "make" a touchdown, a run, or a goal. You "score" one. Oddly, you DO "make" a basket. I didn't make these up, I'm just explaining them.
  • Do not ask questions out loud in front of a group of sports fans. In the beginning, your questions are likely to be quite stupid and hilarious. Remember the question and then ask it of someone you can trust later on, like a boyfriend, parent or clergyman.
  • When you are well-versed in the language of sports and feel comfortable with your level of knowledge, don't be afraid to flaunt it in front of your man's friends. He will be esteemed among his peers if you know your stuff, and doubly so if you can correct one of them.

Article V: Be cognizant of time and place.

Your man will be quite happy to watch the game with you as long as you understand that while the game is on, you should remain focused on it. I know that you will see this as a bonding time, and may be tempted to talk about other topics that you associate with bonding like how fat you are, what your mother thinks, and what that bitch in line at Starbucks had the nerve to say. But please take these tips to heart:
  • You may bring up other topics on commercial breaks, but only if the discussion can be brought to a conclusion before the game comes back on.
  • Other topics are to be avoided completely in the fourth quarter, third period, or ninth inning of a close game. If you should persist, your man may snap at you. Do not be angry. He is right to do it.
  • Keep in mind that even if company is invited over or you are out at a bar, a sporting event is a sporting event first and a social engagement second. Think of it like an Oscar party - you can have a good time, but everybody shuts up when they're about to announce a winner.

I hope that I have been of help. I enjoy providing valuable community service, and I sincerely hope that my female readers and also the court see that I have done that today.

22 metawords:

~E said...

How come I get the feeling you came up with this post because of me? I could be wrong but I'm so rarely wrong.

and I would have you know that since I stopped betting on teams based on my previous requirements and paying attention to actual stats, I started LOSING!


That will be seeing a post from me!

~E said...

P.S. I'm not mad... Just glad that I have a new idea for my next post hehehe

Here's the smiley face I forgot to tack on to my last comment.


momcat said...

All I can say is....Good luck finding your future wife!!

Dr Zibbs said...

You should carve these onto a tablet.

Some Guy said...

I wholeheartedly agree, point for point, with everything you said.

Gwen said...

Oh, I KNOW the lingo and the rules, I was married to a football coach. I break them to irritate you guys.

Poobomber said...

Hahah, this is brilliant!!

Fancy Schmancy said...

I know, I just no longer care. I didn't switch allegience from the team (based in the town where I was born), I just stopped watching altogether after they lost their FOURTH superbowl in a ROW!!!! I'm still not over it.

words words words said...

~E: I already had the fact, this was almost my guest post for your blog. You DID give me the part about saying "vote" though ;)

Boys: Thank you. Your responses made me know I got it right!

Fancy: But you will be the loser when the Bills FINALLY win and you will not be a part of it. Take them back before it's too late! That reminds me, new rule - if you break up with your team, you can't take them back just cause they win. Breakups are forever.

Red said...

I believe you can have 2 baseball in each league. Also, why else would we pick teams if it's not because we find the players attractive? And finally, I used to bet at the track based on the colors the jockeys wore and I won all the time. You're just jealous.

Otherwise, well done. I especially love, love, love flaunting my sports knowledge...especially if it means I get to correct someone.

words words words said...

Red: You know, the one team in each league thing was in my first draft, but I didn't want to get too complicated in such a basic guide. Me and my secondary Anaheim Angels agree. Also, horse racing does not count for the purposes of this guide because I'm sticking to North American team sports with human athletes, and also because the only people who really know anything about it are alcoholics who have done time. It's sort of like boxing that way. Well done on knowledge flaunting...I'm certain it's reaped benefits for you.

SouthernBelle said...

Lovely. I'm sure those poor unfortunate women forced to associate with men who care about sports will find it very useful.

I, however, found a man who couldn't give a shit about sports, and promptly married him (he is a vegetarian though so there was a trade-off of sorts).

Falwless said...

Wow, and to think you're still single...

Falwless said...

(Uust kidding, this was a pretty brilliant post. I don't know shit about sports and even I laughed, especially at the "Acceptable Reasons To Switch Teams: Your favorite team is the Detroit Lions." I just know that's gotta be funny.)

Falwless said...

Oops that should read "Just."

Fuck all.

H said...

Please add:
Acceptable Reasons To Switch Teams
If you live in St. Louis and give a rat's ass about football at all.

Other than that I agree with Gwen. When you grow up in/on a hockey rink/soccer field/football field and have a dad that played for the Gators you mostly do these things to get a rise out of the men. It's like a game unto itself.

My one rule for my significant other(s) (and I used to put this on when I tried that route) is I don't care if you watch sports but you cannot live vicariously through your teams. Leave that shit on the field, ice, floor, etc.

~E said...

1) RED is a girl of my own heart.

2) If you submitted that as your guest post I would have promptly sent you back to your typewriter (or pen and paper, whatever) to write me up a new one.

3) Have you noticed the boys are on your side and the girls...well, not so much? I "root" for the girls because I "am one". Is that ok? ;)

4) My reply post will be up tomorrow. I think you will be pleasantly surprised.

words words words said...

H: You do not get to complain as a St. Louis Rams fan. You won the Super Bowl as recently as 2000, and reached the Super Bowl again two seasons later. My team has NEVER won a Super Bowl. Our last championship was in 1960, before the Super Bowl existed. Count your blessings! You can bitch about the Blues all you want, though.

Talullah said...

I have an addendum to Article III, if you don't mind.

By no means are women allowed to wear heels to the game. It's stupid.

words words words said...

Tallulah: Wow. You know, you are obviously right. I just find it telling that there needs to be such an addendum.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

First of all-I'm with ~E cuz I was thinking about her while I was reading the beginning of the post.
When she is the first woman head coach of a team she will wear pink exclusively, like her personal badge of honor.

This is a great post with helpful tips, but I think someone needs to write a tutorial for the ladies on the basics of the game. (not rocket science) Once they get the fundamentals down they may be able to really enjoy watching a game while understanding what's going on. I may do that soon.

As for women choosing a team because they are attracted to a player-you will never be able to change that! I happen to be gifted in the fact that not only is my team my home town team, ( as in agreement with your article 1)a WINNING machine, we happen to have God's Gift to Everyone as our QB.
Godspeed Tommy. *sniffle, wiping away tear*

Anonymous said...

You're dead on. This is awesome.