Monday, October 13, 2008

Drugstore Cowboy

Many of you surely read my heartbreaking account of a trip to the drug store to buy NyQuil. That experience has stayed with me, because such an unfortunate situation would not have occured if drug stores did not have the curious habit of understaffing their cash registers.

I've consulted hundreds of some two friends about this, and the problem appears to be universal. Be it CVS, Rite Aid, Long's or Walgreens, drug stores consistently staff only one cash register no matter how many people are in line. These drug stores often have as many as six cash register stations, but I can only conclude that these are for show and that the registers themselves are inoperable. It's certainly not a question of staffing, because whenever I'm seventeenth in line behind fifteen fat people buying Ben & Jerry's and one nervous teenage girl fiddling with a pregnancy test, I see smocked and nametagged employees wandering around the store in great numbers. They often congregate together and eye the line blankly as if to say, "Wow, there are a lot of people in line. I wonder if this is something somebody should be addressing."

Eventually, one of the frustrated and hungry Ben & Jerry's lovers will berate the person behind the operable cash register. "Hey, why can't you open another register? There are three employees over there playing grab ass and peeling security tags off of the Jagermeister!" The response will invariably be, "They're on break." I've never seen so many people on break at one time as I have in a drug store. It seems like the ratio of employees on break to employees actually working is at least five to one. How is this possible? I mean, everyone loves taking a break, but this is ridiculous.

I decided that I needed to get to the bottom of this. I donned all black clothes, put on a ski mask, and searched the internet for answers. You will be shocked at what I found. I'm about to blow the lid off this thing. Apparently, this behavior is not only tolerated by the corporate bigwigs, but encouraged. All you need to do is check out this sample Rite Aid store floor plan and it will all become clear.

Dateline, here I come!

12 metawords:

BeckEye said...

Okay, I agree that these stores never have enough registers open, but I witnessed the rudest bitch make a scene a couple of weeks ago. I was standing in line at Duane Reade and there were maybe 2 people in front of me and one behind, and we each had no more than 5 things. So it wasn't a big deal. This woman walked in with her little dog and goes straight over to the guy who was stocking a display and says in the most unbelievably snobbish tone, "Can you go open a register instead of doing...whatever it is you're doing?" He just looked at her for a second and then sort of begrudgingly walked over and opened another register. So now the lines were much two people each. She STILL wasn't happy. She starts pacing around up front "tsk"ing and shit and then walks over to the girl in the photo section and yells, "Can you get me a pack of Marlboro Lights?" The girl said she couldn't get cigarettes for her, and that she would have to go to the register. So she huffs and puffs over to the lines again, which are almost nonexistent, but someone was STILL in front of her. Again, she loudly announces, "Can't someone open another register up here!?!?" I was ready to turn around and kick her in the vagina.

What the fuck was that? Did I witness a nicotine fit? I've heard of them, but I'm not sure I've actually seen one. Or was she just a royal bitch with a sense of entitlement? Or was it a little of both?

Red said...

haha. Oh, Becky. You kill me.

The Rite-Aid by me always has at least 2 registers open...whether they need it or not. Basically, I just disproved whatever theory you were attempting to propose. That was what this post was about right? Becky's comment made me forget because I was laughing too hard. Sorry.

words words words said...

Beck: You should have been tipped off about that woman's character by the fact that she thought her little rat dog belonged in a store. That has a 100% correlation with being a pain in the ass.

Red: You can't see, but I have a frowny face and I am shaking my fist angrily.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Just do what I do: Go in there wearing the biggest, baggiest pants you can find (see MC Hammer for an example). Tuck them into your socks. Stick as much booty (the pirate kind, not the arse kind) in your pants. Bypass checkouts. Job's a goodun.

ÄsK AliCë said...

I'm applying at Rite-Aid. I do my best thinking in a hot tub beside a fully stocked bar.

Falwless said...

This answers a lot of questions. You should be an investigative journalist.

However, you should have probably prefaced the name on the jpeg floor plan with "riteaid" instead of "cvs." (I'm a stickler for details!)

words words words said...

IR: I may still have a pair of Eagles Zubaz pants at my parents' house. This is a viable idea.

Alice: ME TOO! I can never move out of this building or I won't be able to write anything ever again.

Fal: Wow, you just passed Red as my blog's #1 party pooper! I was originally going to make it CVS, but there was a better picture of the Rite Aid logo. So there.

Gwen said...

I'm impressed they had the forethought to stock the condoms and pregnancy tests closest to the Nookie Nook.

Dr Zibbs said...

For how much my dad could embarass me in stores, he never stood for this nonsense. He's the type that goes to the cashier and tells the cashier he has to stop what he's doing and go get a manager.

Lula Dahl said...

First of all, what the hell kind of drugstore are you going to?? They don't sell liquor in drug stores here! Cheap wine in a box, yeah, but no liquor!

Second of all, where can I get an application? Oh wait. We champagne wine on "holidays" at my work (so, every Sunday. And also Canadian and Jewish holidays.).

Anonymous said...

"nookie nook" that's hot.

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