Thursday, July 2, 2009

Rating The Boardwalk Rides

This past week I took an unexpected trip back home to visit the family, and we went to the shore to hit the boardwalk. Aside from stuffing yourself to the gills, the boardwalk is most famous for ride piers. As a public service, I thusly bring you...



Bumper Cars

People ride the bumper cars to escape real life and enter an arena where cars are packed in like sardines and smash into each other with glee. I drive in Los Angeles every day, so I'm afraid for me it's nothing more than a busman's holiday.



Ferris Wheel

The traditional ride for grandparents, pussies, and dudes who slip the pimply ride operator a fiver to stop it when he's at the top with the girl he wants to maul. Three groups of people I have no use for.



Tidal Wave

The Tidal Wave looks fun enough from the picture. But let me tell you, it is an absolute deathtrap. The cars jerk up and down in such a violent manner that spinal injury insurance is sold at a cost of four ride tickets. I suggested to the ride operator that they rename it the Tooth Chipper, but he looked at me like *I* was the one shaking people up like so many soda cans. Yeah, and you know what happens after you do that? Exactly.

GRADE: D (Upgraded to B with purchase of spinal injury insurance.)


Kiddie Log Flume

The idea of the Kiddie Log Flume seems like a good one. Until you look at it and realize that it's probably converted from an old dumpster or car crushing machine. And that dad looks WAY more scared than the kid. Hold on, dude, that looks like a stomach-churning five degree drop there. I hope your will is updated.




I was all into the idea of the Riptide until I learned to my chagrin that Perry King and Joe Penny would not be along for the ride. Besides, any ride connoisseur knows that this is just the Himalayan with a different name. They should call it the Ripoff.




This was inexplicably my favorite ride when I was a kid. For those of you who don't know, the point of the Tilt-A-Whirl is for the riders to sit in a circle around a wheel, which they then turn to spin the car faster and faster until a member of their party surrenders the contents of their stomach. People do this. For fun. I swear.

GRADE: C (Upgraded to C+ if someone in your car pukes and none of it gets on you.)


Xtreme Cyclone

What kind of fools do ride companies take us for? This is clearly just that hoary old pirate ship ride with a new coat of paint and sparkly lights. Oh, and it's XTREME, DUDES! Still, that old pirate ship was fun, so...




This is how I imagine the pitch session at the ride company that makes the Wipeout: "Okay, you know how we keep making rides more twisty and dangerous, but people just keep lining up anyway? Fuck it. I say we just strap them to a piece of metal, throw them up in the sky, shake them until they get concussions, twist them around, and pound them in the ass with metal rods. If they keep coming back after that, then screw it, I give up. I'm moving back home and working in my dad's hardware store."


17 metawords:

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I have to tell you - and I'll do it fast hoping you'll forget it equally fast - I kinda like Ferris Wheels. Shhh. I don't know why as I admit, they're lame after about 5 seconds once you're realized that all it actually does is turn in a big circle. They're just old school and I like old school. Shut up.

As for any Pirate ship ride or related ride, I can't do it. I honestly can't. I become a giant fountain of puke. No one wants to see that and certainly no one wants it on their face when I'm at the top.

You're in LA, go ride THIS (watch the little video). I so want to ride on that. I bet you already have, you trend setting bastard. Haha.

Soda and Candy said...

I'm gonna guess that's you on the Log Flume.

1. Admit it, that's the only ride you went on. Pussy.

2. I'm pretty sure the "water" in the Log Flume ride is liquid tuberculosis, so I hope you didn't get splashed.

: D

the girl with the pink teacup said...

Words, such a handy guide. Definitely printing this one off to take with me next time I'm at the carnival.

But I'm curious: how would the purchase of spinal injury insurance on the Tidal Wave (aka Tooth Chipper) lead to an upgrade in its overall rating? I would've thought that the prospect of imminent paraplegia without adequate medical coverage would make things far more exciting, rather than vice versa?

Or am I just a little bit fucked up?

Prunella Jones said...

Oh Man, I ain't gonna lie. I'd ride them all!

And probably end up hurling since I'd be sure to stuff myself with fried twinkies and cotton candy first.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

In England the Tilt-a-Whirl is called the Waltzers, and instead of having a circle in the middle that you turn, there's a guy who walks along between the cars and spins them around as fast as he can. It's best to go on with a girl, because when she screams that it's going too fast and that she feels sick, the guy will always make an extra effort to make it go even faster.

Cora said...


I love the rides, but my Dr has forbidden me to go on them anymore. Somethin' about spinal surgery, I think it was....


I cheated and went on Pirates of the Carribean in Disneyland (shhh, don't tell) and I had to go beg Mickey Mouse for pain meds at the first aid station afterwards.


FYI, Mickey gives out the GOOOOOOD stuff. I was feeling no pain whatsoever after popping the pills Mickey gave me. Heh heh heh.

Cora said...

Awww. Your blog likes me today, Words!! It thinks I'm funny. How sweet. :-)

My wv: "comic"

Gwen said...

When I was a kid I HATED rides. I wanted to ride them because everyone else did but was terrified. I put on my big girls pants one year and got on one but screamed with terror so loudly that they stopped the ride and let me off.

So now? Now that I really do have my big girl pants on? I love all the rides. All of them get an A+ in my book because I can actually ride them without thinking I might die.

My favorite is the Superman ride at Six Flags. I have no idea if it's still there but I love that one.

Girl Interrupted said...




Haha, I don't know what the hell a "flume" is ... but it makes me chuckle when I say it out loud :)

words...words...words... said...

Veggie: You're way ahead of me. I'm scared of heights and while I'll do the twisty ones, I absolutely will never ride a roller coaster with a big drop.

Soda: WRONG. :)

The Girl: That might actually be a little fucked up, but it also makes you cooler. Your pick whether that's good or bad.

Pru: I want to party with you. While wearing a raincoat.

IR: That seems like a very difficult job, Car Twirler. Yet, I respect his motives.

Cora: You were even forbidden to go on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride? That's rough. I'm glad you got some good drugs out of it. Why do you think the Disney characters always speak in such high voices? Yup.

Gwen: I am childhood you.

Girl: I don't know what ideas you have about what a flume is that make you giggle, but it's simply a cross between a roller coaster and a water slide, usually ridden in a hollowed out log. Huh huh...log. Now I see why you giggled.

Kimmie said...

I love this post. When you say "Shore", Im assuming you went to NJ. Which boardwalk is this?

Since I'm originally from DE, we go to the "beach".

You know the difference.

words...words...words... said...

Kimmie: It's Ocean City. And I thought Delaware people went to the "shore", too. I thought it was only those pesky New Yorkers and Marylanders that went to the "beach".

Soda and Candy said...

Whatever, that's still pretty much the funniest comment I've ever left you!

red said...

I spotted you.

I decided yesterday at the County Fair I'm too old for rides like this. I'd rather drink 'til i puke than ride rides 'til I puke.

The Diva on a Diet said...

1. This post made me laugh my ass off.

2. The Tilt-A-Whirl was my favorite ride as a kid too.

3. Dude, you were on this coast and didn't even call me?! WTF?! ;)

The Diva on a Diet said...

4. Its "beach" not "shore".

Dr Zibbs said...

I give bumber cars an F except for when some kid gets caught in the corner.