Wednesday, July 8, 2009

The G-Chat Diaries, Vol. 6

Chatter X: Your grandmother's death did not hit you hard, then? Even that question makes you sound defective. It's acceptable to realize she had a long life and further time would have not been enjoyable for her.

WWW: Exactly. And no, it didn't.

WWW: I had a moment the other day when I looked at my address book to send out some notes. I had to erase hers. But it was more of a pondering thing than a grief thing.

WWW: It’s not so much just my grandmother that makes it weird...just that she’s the latest in a pattern where I'm surrounded by people who are obviously filled with grief and I feel like an extra in a funeral scene from a movie. The only thing that makes me upset at funerals is that other people are upset.

Chatter X: "Here I am, going through the motions. At least I'm in costume. I'll blend. I wonder what's for lunch? Is that wrong to wonder?"

WWW: I wondered. Swear to God.

Chatter X: Wow. I believe you. Did you wonder if you were inappropriate?

WWW: No, I didn't wonder about that.

Chatter X: You probably just haven't had the right person die yet.

Chatter X: You know, you make me say things that I would never have said in a million years otherwise. Thanks.

WWW: Hahaha. You know, I should have pretended that they were all out of the chicken parmesan. Then I could have cried.

Chatter X: Hahahahaha. Pull a nose hair out. That's how Bud Bundy does it.

Chatter X: We have now exhausted my knowledge of the dialogue from Married with Children.

Chatter X: Well, except for, "Aaaaaalllllllllllllllllll."

WWW: You forgot "Al, can we have sex?" "Uhh, no, Peg."

Chatter X: It's like that show writes itself.

WWW: Yes, it's "like" that.

WWW: It's a little known fact that Fox invented the Rimshot 3000 computer in 1983.

WWW: You just enter the names of your characters and a one line description of them. "Al Bundy: Sexually repulsed by wife, enjoys shitting."

WWW: And then you add the slugline. "Hot chick applies for job at Al’s shoe store." Done.

Chatter X: "Hot blonde daughter wrecks car."

WWW: See? You can be a TV writer too!

Chatter X: I can feel the unmerited royalty checks just waiting for me.

10 metawords:

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I thought the hot chicks just came into the store to buy shoes. Occasionally. Most of the rest were fat and obnoxious...which I never truly appreciated until I worked in retail for a year.

Prunella Jones said...

I kinda enjoy funerals, but then my family is Irish so they are mostly an excuse to get shitfaced.

Anonymous said...

Funerals aren't so bad. I have a large family, so I've been to quite a few. I like the coffee and cookies aspect.

BeckEye said...

This is why I never said I was sorry to hear about your grandmother. Because you're a terrible human being, and I didn't want my sympathy to make you feel like even less of a person.

*kiss kiss*

red said...

I keep hoping the G Chat Diaries will turn into the Vampire Diaries. I guess I'll keep waiting...

Soda and Candy said...

Ugh, funerals.

Thanks, Debbie Downer.

; )

BTW nice work on referencing MwC via the Simpsons.
: )

Anonymous said...

I always look forward to your diaries, yet hope I'm never the brunt of the joke :)

The Diva on a Diet said...

I laughed, I cried, what more can one want?! LOL

Eh, funerals ... I've got the best of both worlds ... Irish on one side = booze, Italian on the other = really good comfort food.

Emotionally, though, I'm all Italian - I cry rivers at funerals, even if I never met the person. Dark sunglasses and waterproof mascara are funeral must-have for me. :(

Cora said...

I studied Death and Dying in college and it totally numbed me. Death is part of life. It's natural. I'm sad when people I love die, but so far I've never been crushed by anyone's death. I feel like such a jerk, not bawling when everyone else is!! I'm glad to know I'm not the only one.

Then again, if it were my kid who died, I'm sure THAT would be enough to send me over the edge!! *sniffle*

the girl with the pink teacup said...

Words, is it wrong if I laughed at this? (Especially "I feel like an extra from a funeral scene in a movie.")

Hope things are OK with you, though. *hug*

Funerals? I must admit that I'm a crier. I'm totally fucked when the "right person" dies...