Monday, November 9, 2009

Reality Ices Parody

Sometimes the world takes such an aggressive turn for the ridiculous that it outraces our ability to make fun of it. Parody becomes impossible because reality achieves a level of crazy far beyond anything you can dream up. Like spoofing Kanye West for having a raging ego right before he raised his game at Taylor Swift's expense and launched a classic internet meme.

This, my friends, is one of those times.


Long time readers (both of you) will recall that one of my first entries concerned a haughty blurb on the back of a bag of ice. Here's an excerpt:

Southern California Ice promises us "premium quality packaged ice" and invites us to "taste the difference". Is this artisan food trend so out of hand that ice can now be a premium handcrafted artisan food item? Are we about to be assaulted with "ice tastings" at snooty gourmet stores? Will rich a-holes present their guests with several different varieties of ice? "Oh, Eleanor, you simply MUST try the desalinated Arctic sea ice in your vodka tonic. It's a pairing straight from heaven!

It was funny. In fact, I encourage you to read the whole thing if you haven't. But now, some L.A. ice company has gone and ruined my little parody by actually making this utterly ridiculous scenario come to pass. It could only have happened in Los Angeles. The company sells their "hand-cut ice" to bars and the retarded discerning home mixologist at the low, low price of $25 for a ten pound bag. The following feature from the otherwise excellent website TastingTable.com tells the sad tale. I'll give it the final word.


The Ultimate Ice
Elevate your cocktails with custom-made cubes







Neve Ice






To Névé Ice owner Michel Dozios, all cubes are not created equal. Frustrated with the quality of mass-produced ice, the former bartender at Seven Grand, Comme Ça, and Church and State decided to make his own--and the city's top mixologists took note.

And now you can buy it for your home bar.

The inspiration behind this hand-cut ice company was both a matter of taste (the water is double-filtered before freezing) and intensity. "Machine-made ice dilutes your drink by 70 to 85 percent," Dozios explains.

Névé's dense cubes melt more slowly than traditional ice cubes and come in a variety of shapes: perfect cubes, tall cylinders and golf-ball-size spheres. There are even specially designed square cubes that won't crack or explode when worked vigorously in a cocktail shaker, ensuring the purest martini possible.

The Library Bar at the Roosevelt Hotel and the Langham Hotel Bar are among the devout hand-cut ice fans. Bottega Louie uses Névé ice to keep every sip of the Louie Sling (gin, sweet vermouth, lemon and bitters) perfectly flavored.

To get the same bar-quality drinks at home, Bar Keeper and Wally's sell mixed 10-pound bags ($25) of ice--more than enough for a double-fisting holiday cocktail party. You can also custom-order flavored ice cubes, like strawberry spheres or rosemary blocks.

11 metawords:

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

It dilutes your drink by...different degrees? That makes...no sense at all. Ice is ice. It's going to melt and water and ethanol are miscible, so it's going to dilute your drink.

I can understand the "it melts slower" than regular ice because it's been double-filtered...sort of. Unless you've got a dirty snow ball in your drink, the colligative properties imparted by the impurities are going to be so minuscule so as to not affect the melting rate on such a small scale.

Time to send this one on to Mythbusters.

Cora said...

I'm with Jenks. This is just begging for an asskicking by Mythbusters.

The Diva on a Diet said...

More proof that you need a tin foil hat, Words! They're stealing your thoughts!

Gwen said...

I'm with jenks and Cora - I want to see Mythbusters get their hands on this one. You live in LA . . . start making some calls to the producers or something!

Soda and Candy said...

Oh man, don't you wish you'd started a boutique ice company when you thought of it?

BeckEye said...

I want Tory to put his hands all over me. Er, I mean, I want to see Mythbusters get their hands on this one, too.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

If he's not carving ice blocks into sculptures of Regis Philbin's head, I'm not interested. Does anyone need all their cubes to be equal? If you're that into symmetry you might be OCD. It never ceases to amaze me the lengths people go to to sell you water for lots of money!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

How hard did you high five yourself over that post title? Did you flip it back around, Maverick and Goose style?

Also, my ice always melts way too fast, so...thank god for this.

Revenge of the Flipper Kids said...

The only ice I'm down with is Vanilla Ice. I bet that dude would enjoy perfectly cubed ice, particularly if it featured the heads of Milli Vanilli in it.

talesofawellfedgraphicdesigner said...

I wonder how their company's doing during the recession... #1 thing on my list to NOT buy when money is scarce is fancy ice.

180|360 said...

I remember this post. :) I think it is time you started coming up with the next big thing.