Monday, August 3, 2009

The G-Chat Diaries, Vol. 7

Some snippets of Chatter X gold...

Chatter X: What are you wearing?
WWW: Hot pants and an apron that says "Kiss The Cook".
Chatter X: Wow, you guys have Casual Friday?
WWW: We have Extremely Casual Friday.
Chatter X: Every day here is casual. Especially for me because i'm a slob.

Chatter X: People like that annoy the shit out of me. Typical comments: "Whatever." "Who cares." "Wow." "That's cool!" and my favorite, "Hmm."
WWW: Hmm is a useless comment. It's just, "I read this."
Chatter X: I HATE when people leave a comment like "Who cares" or "don't care." Why leave a fucking comment then? It's maddening.
WWW: Yeah, I don't understand that either. It's like if you have a text vote on TV with options "yes" "no" and "I don't know". Who is spending a dime and a minute of time to say they don't know?

WWW: Oh, that ship sailed long before his balls were in my mouth.
Chatter X: That sentence is like one of those great things you'd overhear on the subway that would drive you crazy all day long.
WWW: A great out of context line.
Chatter X: Yes. Like, “If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college.”

Chatter X: Why do these companies always try to get you to participate in their dumbass phone surveys? Does anyone ever hit 1 for yes?
WWW: I bet a lot of people do
Chatter X: The same people who comment "hmm" and vote "I don't know" in polls.
WWW: Almost all polls are made up primarily of the elderly and the unemployable.
Chatter X: That's ageist.
WWW: No it's not! You're one of those people who cry racist at the mere mention of the word "black".
Chatter X: OMG you said "black." You're racist.
WWW: I am, but not because of that.

Chatter X: I'd like to kill this assbag dude who makes all the recordings for these companies. He just sounds like a dick.
WWW: Like the Moviefone guy?
Chatter X: Yeah. “lllllet me see if i have this right…”
WWW: Hahaha. My "no" gets more annoyed each time.
Chatter X: I know, me too. Then I breathe really heavily into the phone and it picks that up and he goes, "ssssorry, iiii didn't catch that."
WWW: "I said I'd like to plug your mother in the ass"
Chatter X: I've done that before...just saying shit because I'm pissed off.
Chatter X: Eventually they disconnect me because "I'm sorry you're having trouble".
WWW: Agent.
Chatter X: I'm rebooking people on this flight that has less than an hour layover. I hope they get stuck there.
WWW: "I think you said 'domestic,' is that right?"
WWW: "I heard 'fuck you'. Is that right?"
Chatter X: YES
Chatter X: Great. If you'd like that in the vagina, say "vagina." If you'd like that in the ass, say "ass." If you want to try something else, say "kinky shit."
WWW: I heard "kinky shit". Is that right?
Chatter X: NO
WWW: Actually, a phone sex line that started with a menu like this is a hilarious idea.
WWW: You'd lose the feeling before you get to the girl.

Chatter X: I love how hold music today tries to be contemporary. I'm listening to this super easy-going song that sounds like something from a Ambien commercial, and then in the middle they try to throw in some crunching ACOUSTIC guitars.
WWW: There is a reason Muzak went out of business.
Chatter X: Yeah, Bob Muzak died.
WWW: Shame. I heard they played “The Girl From Ipanema” at his funeral
Chatter X: He died in an elevator, oddly enough.
Chatter X: We should take this act on the road.

Chatter X: G-chat just told me, "WWW is busy. You may be interrupting." That's rude!
WWW: Sorry, you must have missed me terribly.
Chatter X: Hold on.
Chatter X: Okay, I had to blow my nose and wipe the copious tears away.
WWW: It's okay. I'm used to that.
Chatter X: But only after sex. This must be a new experience
WWW: Hahaaha. Score.
Chatter X: That reminds me. What is the score now? It's gotta be something like Me 238, You -2
WWW: You were never very good at math, were you?
Chatter X: No, but I can certainly draw a hash mark and add those up. I've been keeping score on my chalktop.
WWW: I think elves are sneaking in at night and changing it.
Chatter X: I don't think so. I keep it where the Gooks can't find it. In my ass!
WWW: Are you kidding? All of Santa's elves could go in at the same time and look around for that shit.
Chatter X: But that's because they're magical! You realize that you're basically accusing the Claus organization of dishonesty. If this gets out, well, a lot of people are going to be very unhappy with you.
WWW: Well, if people knew what you did to Santa, they would understand.
Chatter X: This is it. This is the most ridiculous conversation we've ever had.
WWW: And that is a big statement to make, too.
Chatter X: I know.
Chatter X: What is the Chatter X potential?
WWW: Off the charts.
Chatter X: You have to be careful though.
WWW: Be careful of what?
Chatter X: Not to blow my cover.
WWW: Unless people know you're fond of magic elves in your ass, I think you're safe.
Chatter X: Uh, who DOESN'T know that I'm fond of magic elves in my ass??
WWW: Well, I know the readers of Extreme Ass Insertions Weekly do.
Chatter X: I'm a contributing editor there. They like my first-person accounts.
WWW: I never thought anything like this would ever happen to my ass...

12 metawords:

Trinity said...

I am so curious as to who this person is.

Anonymous said...

You guys are fucked up in the best POSSIBE way. :)

Anonymous said...

Ahhh...thank you for that. This post LITERALLY made my day.

Mr London Street said...

Just plain splendid.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...


Soda and Candy said...

This is genius.

It takes all sorts to make the world, so I'm guessing there is at least a small niche market for the automated sex line.

Prunella Jones said...

So you're an editor at Extreme Ass Insertions Weekly? Hmmmmm.

red said...

Best. CX. Ever.

Cora said...


My wv is "repork"

Hee hee hee.


Your blog wants some. Again.

BeckEye said...


Don't care!

Falwless said...

Red said it - Best. Chatter X. Ever.

180|360 said...

Gold is right! I think I'm falling in love with Chatter X.