Friday, January 30, 2009

If You're Being Chased By a Mummy, You're a Cow.

Chatter X: "Moo" is inherently funny.

me: Cows are inherently funny. They are the quintessentially absurd animal.

Chatter X: We had this conversation once.

Chatter X: I think monkeys > cows.

me: Monkeys are a different vibe

Chatter X: But I believe it's a matter of taste. Manatees....also good.

me: Cows find themselves in situations. Monkeys make things happen.

Chatter X: I found that statement so funny I had to look down and stifle laughter. It's the seriousness with which you consider the comedic value of cows vs. monkeys that does it.

me: Hey, comedy is serious business. Cows are more Kafkaesque. Monkeys are like The Marx Brothers.

Chatter X: I completely went to the Marx Brothers = monkeys notion. But I couldn't come up with a good cow. Mr. Magoo?

me: Charles Grodin.

Chatter X: W. C. Fields as cow or monkey? Jack Benny is cow.

me: Fair warning. This chat may turn into another post. And W.C. Fields is a rooster. Monkeys are silly, not witty.

Chatter X: But cows aren't witty, either.

me: That's why he's a rooster.

Chatter X: Well, we're introducing new animals now?

me: Well, you can't boil every comedy trope down to a cow or a monkey, now. Let's not be silly.

Chatter X: We had a nice dichotomy going on.

me: They're not ends of a continuum. They're points on a graph.

Chatter X: I'm sticking to making mischief vs. having mischief thrust upon you.

Chatter X: If you get chased by a mummy, you're a cow. If you dress up like a mummy, you're a monkey.

me: Wow. That's very nearly profound.

me: That should be the blog entry title. "If You're Being Chased By a Mummy, You're A Cow"

Chatter X: Early Eddie Murphy was a monkey. Dr. Doolittle is a cow.

me: The Nutty Professor is definitely a cow. But Buddy Love is a monkey. Hmmm.

Chatter X: Eddie Murphy, cow or monkey?

me: Via the preponderance of the evidence - monkey.

Chatter X: Yeah, he's always going to be a monkey at heart.

me: Steven Wright is a cow. Mitch Hedberg is a cow. Richard Lewis has a cow for a mother and a monkey for a father.

Chatter X: Chris Rock is a monkey. I'm not feeling too good when I write that.

me: Why did you feel okay calling Eddie Murphy one then?

Chatter X: Oh, I did, then, too. It was naming two black comedians in a row and calling them monkeys that really pushed it up a notch. I'm Howard Cosell.

me: You're not Howard Cosell. You're okay with Jews.

Chatter X: He was an anti-semite?

me: No, he was actually Jewish, but I think he was self-loathing.

Chatter X: Aren't they all?

me: All of them except Barbra Streisand.

Chatter X: The woman who still gets stagefright?

me: Oh, please. Her ego couldn't fit through a garage door.

Chatter X: Yes, but she's self-loathing to the max, too.

me: It's an affectation.

Chatter X: You don't understand the modern jewess.

me: Now THAT would be a nice title. "Understanding The Modern Jewess"

Chatter X: Actually, you have a sizeable ego that you heap self-loathing upon.

me: Mine is compartmentalized though.

Chatter X: Hers could be, too. Why can't Barbra be complicated, too?

me: Because I hate her.

Chatter X: And we've just determined you have something in common with her.

me: That and we both have regular sex with James Brolin.

14 metawords:

Dr Zibbs said...

Great dialogue.

Dr Zibbs said...

And by the way, is you goal in Hollywood to be a writer of something else?

words words words said...

Yep. I wanna be a screenwriter or a writer on a comedy show. Letterman's show would be the dream.

SouthernBelle said...

And THAT is why I prefer IMing to actual conversations.

I WISH I knew your AIM name.

; )

red said...

Chatter X is the Maggie to your Andy Millman.

Gwen said...

I am intimidated by Chatter X's wit. I can't IM with you anymore.

In the alternative, neither Chatter X nor I are really that funny (cows) and you bring out the best in us (making us monkeys.)

words words words said...

But Gwen, you were being groomed! (And not in the monkey way.)

Gwen said...

I don't know, the monkey way is kind of sweet. If someone is willing to eat bugs out of your hair you can bet they at least like you.

Jo said...

LOL. Holy shit.

"Chatter X: Hers could be, too. Why can't Barbra be complicated, too?

me: Because I hate her."

Anonymous said...

You Streisand-haters are not worthy or qualified to lick the soles of her Stuart Weitzman pumps. Barbra reigns. Period.

Fancy Schmancy said...

Wow, your brain works in weird ways, huh? I likey!

SouthernBelle said...

I've buddied you.

Mine's in my profile.

: )

Anonymous said...

First, Mitch Hedburg is NOT a cow, sir. He's totally a monkey. In fact, he's like the drunken circus monkey off Dr. Doolittle. He rocks. Or, um, rocked. :(

Second, you have regular sex with James Brolin? If today was like, 30 years ago, I'd totally be jealous.

Ok, I'm lying. I'm still jealous.

SouthernBelle said...

Also I only go on during the day so go online silly!