Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Chatters Say The Darndest Things

I was looking through the "My Documents" folder on my computer today, and there are some real gems that I've kept over the years. This is one of them.

I frequented a chat room a few years ago, and there was a character there who went by the screen name "Like an abaratar". He had very little grasp of spelling or grammar, but he was a Yogi Berra-esque master of unintentional humor and folksy wisdom. Back then I took some of his best lines, grouped them into categories and assembled them into a document that I sent out to the chat room. He saved me today, because I have nothing to write about and found humor is still humor. Enjoy!

Abaratar the Entomologist

Like an abaratar: if you take they wings off a butterfly and let i cral around it looks kinda like a little dinosoure\

He’s a Lover, Not a Fighter

Like an abaratar: bought a bottle of that new heated ky and a rose last week, didn't have the nerve to bring out the heeted lube its still in the rapper

Like an abaratar: true its not lying if your trying to get sex

Like an abaratar: explain this this, you get denied sex to wake up to her toughing her self, that one blows my mind

Like an abaratar: blame thursday night I got drunk started thinking about you, and signed up for aol

Like an abaratar: chics with low self asteem are easy to get in bed

Where is Plato When You Need Him?

Like an abaratar: is it a threesome if the cat is watching

Like an abaratar: I am home alone, thinking about having a jack and coke, but its 5 am , but I;ve been up all night so its really not morning , is it?

The Armchair Anthropologist

Like an abaratar: I would think that if some one peed on you it would meen they didn't like you, but what do I know

Like an abaratar: on tv today i saw chimpanzees that were tought to reed and right, and you that it sucked talking to indeans when you had problems with your aol service

Like an abaratar: ugly people have to mary ugly people and make ugly people and they are almost always poor

I Don’t Even Want To Ask About My Bike

Like an abaratar: how often do you see sexy people on a bus, but airports are full of sexy people

Sunday School with Abaratar

Like an abaratar: one got tossed for posting a link to in the muslim room and asking if it was a ligitiment muslim sight

Like an abaratar: and it couldn't be the christian right saying drive an SUV go to hell, born againers pop out almost as many babies as beeners, its either an suv or a bus to get the famalies back and forth to church

Like an abaratar: I was rraised baptist but, like to drink, and church is a strange place for a single guy

Take my Abaratar…Please!

Like an abaratar: Was at a bar with my dad bar ender asks "what would you like" dad says "a little pussy" bartender says " me too mines as big as a cows"

Like an abaratar: an old man sits down to breakfast his wife asks "why is there a suppository in your ear" he says " I think I know where my hearing aid is"

Like an abaratar: I have a wallett made out of the fourskinns of circumsized babies, its awsome, if you rub it it turns into a briefcase

Abaratar is From Mars, Women are from Venus

Like an abaratar: when I was in La I saw a big black cajin chic damn neer rape a little white man at a bar nobody tried to help him

Like an abaratar: dumb you are surronded by some pretty orrigional minds, even some of the girls in here are smart

Like an abaratar: talk to people kie you are trying to sleep with them, if they willsleep with you they will by fromyou

Like an abaratar: cock block- when the hot chicks fat friend rescuese her form you at a bar by not going away

The Gay Gourmand

Like an abaratar: crussonts are gay food (they are not gay whin stuff full of sausage and cheese though)

Like an abaratar: is the felet minyon a gay stake?

He Really Likes Dip

Like an abaratar: I learned that if you double dip in the dip you get all the dip to your self

Abaratar for Surgeon General!

Like an abaratar: if there is nothing worng with you they will make something wrong with you and they don't want to fix you because then you won't come back

Chat at Your Own Risk

Like an abaratar: now that makes sence, now I will IM famaly (I don't want them exosed to this place)

They Call Him “Kickstand”

Like an abaratar: actill I am happy befor I wake up
Like an abaratar: but it keeps me from rolling off the bed

My Sword is Loaded

Like an abaratar: does anyone know that peom about the two guys that stood back to back and pulled out there swords and shot each other

Can We Meet Halfway at Kahlua?

Like an abaratar: I hung in coffee bars with the pail types all nate as a youngster before I was old ennough for real bars, the people still pail and in coffee bars after 21 are just weird

No Wonder They’re So Good at Poker

Like an abaratar: nell, a horse has a better momory then a dog, it can remember a trail and were to turn many years after it has been there, but a dog has better problem solving skills

We Close With Some Advice That May Save Your Life

Like an abaratar: but when your girl frind ask why you go into chat rooms never say "for intelligent conversation)

16 metawords:

Anonymous said...

About ten days ago, I remembered Abararatararar, specifically how he wanted to have a pet elephant, and then the elephant could have a pet horse.

It would have been funnier if it were three days ago.

And I'm going to post first with an inside joke anonymously.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I have to admit...I like his definition of cock block.

Also, he's right. Crussants aren't gay if they're stuffed with sausage.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Heh! I think I met this guy too...the cat/threesome comment is gold!

momcat said...


Anonymous said...

His definition of cock-block is so effin true. Sometimes I want my fat friend to go get her own life so the hottie can work up the nerve to ask me out without an audience. I never realized how afraid of rejection men are; especially rejection in front of a girl's friends.

Going into chatrooms "for intelligent conversation" is not only offensive but a dead give-away that he's lying.

Dr Zibbs said...

"Toughing herself"? - Is that an expression I've never heard of?

red said...

His poor spelling makes my brain hurt.

SouthernBelle said...

The guy needs to be the Poet Laureate. This is hilarious stuff.

Falwless said...


I cannot stop laughing!!! You know why? I totally have a Word doc somewhere on my home computer with a bunch of Like an abaratar's gems, too!

God that guy was something else. Like an idiot savant, with major emphasis on the idiot.

BeckEye said...

For some reason, this was my favorite:

"how often do you see sexy people on a bus, but airports are full of sexy people"

I guess that's why I only see people doing The Bird at the airport, never on the bus.

SouthernBelle said...

Speaking of "abaratars", where is everyone getting these Fairey-Hope avatars from?

I want!!!

Cora said...

Wow. That was something else. I don't even know what to say. I'm going to be laughing for days over this. Thank you, Words! :-)

Cora said...

AHH! I just noticed your avatar! BRILLIANT!!!! Has Scope seen this yet? See, I'll be laughing for days and days over this too. Hee hee hee. :-)

(oh, I can't remember if I told you or not, but regarding Scope and the Collies you mentioned the other day - I heard the Collies were begging for it. (wink))

words words words said...

mjenks: Wow, I thought stuffing things with sausage was by definition gay.

mike said...

"...but a dog has better problem solving skills." That cracks me up. But it's true. You should see my dog on a Rubix Cube.

~E said...

I heart abaratar! That kind of wisdom only comes from deep and profound meditation.

or lots and lots of cheap beer.