Thursday, September 18, 2008

This Will Be Funny Only To Me, Part 2

The sequel. After this, we'll return to your regularly scheduled "comedy".

University of California at Los Angeles
Graduate Studies in Feature Production Administration

The overwhelming popularity of our undergraduate degree program in Feature Production Administration has encouraged us to offer a graduate studies program. Due to the difficulty of this coursework, prospective candidates must complete degree requirements for the B.S. in Feature Production Administration. Students who successfully complete the program will be granted a Master of Science degree.

PRD 501 – Advanced Production Accounting
This popular and lively class will explain the tough choices that the movie producer encounters when faced with the inevitable budget cuts. The class will culminate in a case study wherein the student must determine how to cut $600 a week from the budget of a feature. Students will be assigned to one of three teams. Each team will argue one of the following budgeting strategies:

A) Fire a production assistant. This will save valuable production funds that can be better used to pay the director’s cat-sitter, fly in the lead actor’s girlfriend for a set visit, or ensure a free flow of gin and hookers. A side benefit of this approach is that wasteful fat will be cut from the bloated production office staff.

B) Retrain the production assistant to perform the duties of cat-sitter, airline pilot, bartender, and fellatrix.

C) Eliminate animal husbandry, superfluous air travel, and liquor-fueled sex romps from the budget.

It should be noted that option C has never been successfully argued, and if a team should accomplish this task, the team members shall be immediately awarded their degrees.

PRD 660 – The Psychology of the Production Office
The purpose of this essential class is to give the future production office worker some psychological food for the soul. Such encouragement will buttress his resolve once he steps into a movie and realizes that he is lower on the rung of the film ladder than such luminaries as the Assistant To The Producer That Nobody Ever Met, The Agent of That Annoying Brat With Two Fucking Lines, and The Nephew Of The Studio Exec Who Is A Set P.A. But Can’t Read A Call Sheet.

Through an exposure to topical film and literature, the student will learn to accept his lot as a faceless cog without complaint. Featured works include:

· The Stranger by Albert Camus
· The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka
· Being and Nothingness by Jean-Paul Sartre
· The Collected Works of Friedrich Nietzsche
· “The Handmaid’s Tale” (film)
· “Invasion Of The Body Snatchers” (film)
· “The Passenger” (film)

PRD 790 – Graduate Independent Study
As the final requirement for the Master of Science degree, the graduating class shall produce a film. To mimic the most realistic work environment, jobs on the production shall be assigned as follows:

· Those who went to Ivy League universities, and/or whose parents have a gross income of $200,000 a year or higher shall be given the job of producer.

· Those who live in Silverlake shall be production and costume designers; those who live in the 909 and 805 area codes shall be transportation drivers; those who live in Malibu shall be directors and actors; and those in the Valley shall be production assistants.

· Those who went to law school but haven’t the soul to fight for anything worthwhile shall be agents.

· Those who crave authority but lack the discipline for the military or the courage for the police academy shall be assistant directors.

· Those with no discernable skills who do not fit in any of the above categories shall be studio creative executives.

1 metawords:

Falwless said...

Looks excellent...