Monday, September 15, 2008

Fork You

Lowdown dirty rotten scoundrel rat bastard.

I was eating lunch at work today and the restaurant forgot to give me utensils for my salad.* So I went rooting around in the kitchen for utensil packs left over from lunches past. I came upon a treasure trove of those little plastic-wrapped packs that have utensils, salt, pepper and a napkin. I picked one up and took it to my desk before I realized that it only had a knife and a spoon in it. "Odd," I thought. "What the hell could I eat that would require a knife and spoon but no fork?" So I went back to get another utensil pack and soon realized that they all had knives and spoons but no forks. "Okay, this is weird," I thought. "Obviously, there is a (popular) dish that needs a knife and a spoon but not a fork." And it is killing me that I can't think of it.

Then I realized the true horror of the situation.

Some gutless weasel had opened all the utensil packs and removed the forks. WHY? Someone had taken the time to go through maybe 30 of these things and take out every single effing fork. WHY? All I can think of is that a bunch of forks were needed for some meeting and nobody had time to go to the store. Even then, wouldn't a normal decent human being replace them? At least say, "Hey, we're out of forks because I'm a humongous tool!" I swear to God. It's like eating all the chocolate out of a carton of Neapolitan ice cream. It's. Just. Not. Done.

But no. This mealy-mouthed coward will get away with it. And I'm sitting here eating salad with a spoon like a chump.


* Yes, even fat dudes eat salad. We eat everything.

13 metawords:

M in SF said...

At leas you persisted. I would have been like, "Fuck it. Only spoons? Give me ice cream."

Dr Zibbs said...

I was gonna say that when I have my cronies do some of my killing (in my imagination) I insist on spoons and butter knives only).

Poobomber said...

You can make a fortress with some glue and all the leftover spoons and knives....

Gwen said...

That is an awesome story. I'd have been so pissed! I can't stop laughing at the image of you eating salad with a fork. Mostly because I have no idea what you look like.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

You could write a song about how ironic that situation was. "Ten thousand spoons!" you'd say! "But all I need is a fork! Goodness, the irony of this situation is quite large! It's like poor weather on the day of my marriage, or being offered a lift in someone's car for no fee, having already procured transport at a substantial cost!"

Christ, this song is practically writing itself. "It's like ten thousand spoons/when all I need is a fork/it's meeting the man of my dreams/and finding he's allergic to pork." Yeah, I really do think.

words words words said...

m in sf: Where were you at lunchtime?

Gwen: Did you mean to say "spoon"? Because the image of me eating salad with a fork should not really be hilarious. As for what I look like, do you know what George Clooney looks like? Yeah, nothing like that.

Lula Dahl said...

Who takes all the forks? And srsly, just go with the ice cream next time.

180/360 said...

Just to think that someone manhandled my spoon just to get to the fork kind of grosses me out.

Falwless said...

I'm with TIR. There's a song in this somewhere... if only I could think of the lyrics.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I'm laying good odds that this gutless bastard was from HR.

Gwen said...

Um, yeah, I meant spoon.

BeckEye said...

No, PORK you! Ha ha ha.

(It's so sad that I just made a Facebook Scrabble in-joke. *sigh*)

beatnikchik said...

Eating only the chocolate out of Neopolitan ice cream? I am SO that guy.