"The 12 Days of Christmas" was always a nice enough song, at least for the first 20 minutes. I love how little kids get excited to scream "FIIIIIVE GOLDEN RINGS" loud enough to wake Jesus for his birthday. But those gifts...honestly. Anyone who was "my true love" would know better than to give any of these gifts. First of all, where are you going to put all those people and animals? There are 50 people involved in these gifts, plus 13 waterfowl and ten other assorted birds. Yes, I counted. So to assist modern day gift givers, I've decided to adapt the gifts in "The 12 Days of Christmas" to more contemporary tastes.
12 DRUMMERS DRUMMING
Really, this has to be a hippie drum circle. My aversion to patchouli and people telling me to take it easy means this gift isn't for me, but someone on your list might like it.
11 PIPERS PIPING
Maybe it's the baker in me, but the first thing I think of is people piping icing onto cakes. So the 2008 version of this gift should just be 11 big cakes studded with icing flowers. I would be happy to receive this, especially if it comes with the scooter I'll soon need to get around.
10 LORDS A LEAPING
Ten guys leaping can only mean one thing: Basketball tickets. Syracuse/UConn, please. And as long as you're being so generous, throw in my travel costs as well.
9 LADIES DANCING
Today's equivalent has to be strippers, right? Strip clubs really aren't my thing, but if all the girls were dressed in skimpy Mrs. Claus outfits, I might change my mind. Gives a whole new meaning to "Ho! Ho! Ho!", doesn't it?
8 MAIDS A MILKING
First of all, get your minds out of the gutter. Yes, I'm talking to YOU. I think eight maids coming to clean up around my place ain't a half bad gift. I hate cleaning the bathroom and the oven.
7 SWANS A SWIMMING
I think I might take this one literally, because it means I might get a pond or a pool. They have to swim in something, right? I don't think seven swans are really going to fit in my bathtub. As soon as I get my pool I'll just release the swans into the woods or something.
6 GEESE A LAYING
If they're the geese that laid the golden egg, that would really help with the next gift. If not, it's still cool. I love eggs.
5 GOLDEN RINGS
I'm not one for jewelry, and I also don't have a wife hounding me for any. So I'm going to interpret this as championship rings for the Eagles, Flyers, Sixers and Phillies, plus for Syracuse men's basketball. And if all that really happens, I hope one of these gifts is a defibrillator.
4 CALLING BIRDS
If the birds that are calling are the Eagles, then after last week's game I am not answering.
3 FRENCH HENS
How about Audrey Tatou, Eva Green and Juliette Binoche? Joyeux Noel!
2 TURTLE DOVES
You know what? I'm skipping this one. I'm up to here with fucking birds. Seriously.
1 PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE
I don't have a yard, so a tree is out. But I do love pears. So how about Shirley Jones serving me pear vodka martinis? Yeah, I said Mrs. Partridge instead of Laurie. She was way hotter. Wanna make something of it?
I sincerely hope that this update of "The 12 Days of Christmas" has helped you with your holiday shopping. I'm going to go console myself with the socks and useless kitchen gadgets I actually received.