Sunday, November 30, 2008

Giants' Burress Bravely Transcends Metaphor

NEW YORK (AP) - New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress, apparently unsatisfied with the results of metaphorically shooting himself in the foot, actually shot himself in the leg with a gun hidden in his pants pocket Friday at a Manhattan nightclub.

Burress, who in February caught the winning touchdown in the Giants' Super Bowl XLII victory and subsequently signed a 5-year, $35 million contract, has since those events systematically attempted to sabotage his career with insubordinate behavior. "I had it all," said Burress upon his release from the hospital on Saturday. "I won the Super Bowl and signed a rich new contract. I couldn't wait to lose it all just as quickly. I wanted to follow the path of my heroes and use my newfound financial security to ruin my career with selfish, criminal behavior sure to disappoint my employers, anger my fans, and break the trust of my teammates. The Giants just wouldn't cooperate by disciplining me severely enough to make even someone as careless as me pay attention ."

Burress did make a genuine effort to sabotage himself. In September, he was suspended one game and fined $117,000 for missing an entire day of meetings and practice without notice to drop his son off at school. In October, he was fined $45,000 by the NFL for verbally abusing a game official. And recently he was benched for skipping a treatment session for his eternally sore hamstring. Burress has extended his effort to the field, as well. In addition to missing a great deal of playing time because of the balky hamstring, he has dropped several catchable passes and has become a smaller part of the Giants' offense as the year progresses.

"I made a good faith effort to ruin my career, but the Giants just wouldn't meet me halfway," added Burress. "They did discipline me, but I could tell that they would never just get rid of me because despite my antics, I am a talented player. I felt that shooting myself in the foot metaphorically was just not going to get the job done. Actually shooting myself turned out to be the best option. Not only did I set a new standard for ridiculous behavior, but by seriously injuring myself I have ensured that I will be worthless but highly paid for the remainder of the season."

11 metawords:

~E said...

He gets the idiot award for the day. Nay, for the YEAR!

Fancy Schmancy said...

As Falwless would say, TLDR. I saw sports and my eyes crossed.

Rebecca said...

You should read it. It's more Oniony than sporty.

Lyla Lou said...

Hehehehe. This made me giggle.

BeckEye said...

We used to call him Plexiglass and/or Dropsico when he played in Pittsburgh. I effing hate that douchebag.

~E said...

You know, he's at least very talented when giving speeches. Eloquent even.

Or at least his handlers are.

SouthernBelle said...

Congratulations UBP! You made me laugh and enjoy a sports-related post!

PS - Come play a comments based game on my blog today : )

Lyla Lou said...

Ooh, I like how your blog is snowing.

Trooper Thorn said...

It's a sad day in America when a notable sports figure can't conceal an unlicensed firearm in his sweatpants. What's next? A conviction for holding sports memorabilia dealers at gun point in a Las Vegas hotel room?

ÄsK AliCë said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ÄsK AliCë said...

Erm - I posted a comment here then I thought it had double posted so I deleted but it turns out it hadn't posted it twice so now not only am I confused, I feel like an idiot.

Anyway I said something about my kitten chasing the snow on your blog and that she tries to lick it and it's hilarious.

Also, even though this post was about sports I read the whole thing and even laughed SEVERAL times - kudos