I'm Very Good At It When I'm Alone

While I never sing in public, I frequently put on bravura performances in my car or in the privacy of my own apartment. Total showstoppers. I'm really quite talented when no one is looking or able to verify it.

But even when I am alone, I have trouble singing certain songs. If the lyrics are especially stupid, then I can barely get them out of my mouth. They're so inane that I even embarrass myself.

For your listening pleasure and horror, here are Five Songs I Can Barely Sing Even All By Myself:

"The Reflex" - Duran Duran
What a great song. And I have absolutely no idea what it means.

Sample lyric:
The reflex is an only child he's waiting in the park/
The reflex is in charge of finding treasure in the dark/
And watching over lucky clover isn't that bizarre/
Every little thing the reflex does/Leaves you answered with a question mark



"Abacab" - Genesis
This song makes "The Reflex" look positively lucid.

Sample lyric:
look up on the wall, there on the floor/under the pillow, behind the door
there's a crack in the mirror/somewhere there's a hole in window pane
do you think I'm to blame/tell me do you think I'm to blame



"Wild Side" - Motley Crue
Hair metal is THE genre for awesome songs with dumb lyrics. The Crue are no exception.

Sample lyric:
our father/who ain't in heaven/plead thy name on the wild side/
holy mary/mother may i/pray for us on the wild side
a baby cries/a cop dies/a day's pay on the wild side



"Crazy Bitch" - Buckcherry
This might be the filthiest song on my iTunes. And I have over 6,000 songs. But it also rocks. It's like the best Aerosmith song that Aerosmith never made.

Sample lyric:
&%$#@/*%&#/#@$%#&

Note: This is the most hilarious homemade video I've ever seen.


"Make Love Like A Man" - Def Leppard
This spot was almost occupied by "Pour Some Sugar On Me" until I realized that I can't in good conscience slam the lyrics when I have no idea what 75% of them are. Still, this list could easily be composed entirely of Def Leppard songs. I once saw an interview where Joe Elliott said that their lyrics are written to match the melody, not to make sense. It shows.

Sample lyric:
make love like a man/I'm a man/that's what I am
I'm the one/I'm Mr. Fun/I'm Captain Cool/and I've come for you

Seven Word Sunday: Philly Cheesesteak

Steak, cheese, grilled onions, roll. Mmm, authentic.

Something About The Gutter And The Stars...

Yesterday was the last day of filming on my current job, and today is my last day on the lot I've practically lived at since December. I don't know why I'm associating the end of things with a bathroom...that's for a licensed mental health professional to decide. But I thought that immortalizing the view out of the bathroom window would be a fitting way to go out.


To drop some metaphor on you...even when you're in the bathroom, sometimes the view is pretty good.

The Tweet Hereafter

According to an article in this month's National Geographic, Twitter is not new. Recent discoveries of records from the past indicate that people with short attention spans from previous generations were also able to tweet to their heart's content. Here is a sampling of some tweets that the research turned up:

Going 2 theater, BBL
- Abraham Lincoln

Got a new job...captain of an unsinkable ship! Just need ice for my drink and I'm all good.
- Captain Edward John Smith

IM winning by so much I can tweet during my race. Dude with gay mustache looks mad.
- Jesse Owens

We've heard the last from these doods. USA FTW!
- Gen. Norman Schwartzkopf

I WIN! Looking at carpet swatches atm.
- Thomas Dewey

Romans are hassling ppl, going to this garden Judas knows to chill and stay under the radar.
- Jesus

This stand will B my best yet!
- Gen. George Custer

Bunch of peeps in boats and funny hats came 2 call. Seem friendly. One is kinda hot.
- Pocahontas

Got a great spot to see Prez. One street sign in the way but it shouldn't matter much.
- Abraham Zapruder

Actual Conversations With Real People, Vol. 5

Welcome to another installment of Actual Conversations With Real People, in which...well, you know. Today's real person is a co-worker.

Co-worker: "I need a knife. You look like a guy who always has a knife handy, do you have one I can use?"

Me: "What does THAT mean?"

(beat)

Me: "Yeah, here, use my Swiss Army knife."

- FIN -

It's Not Exactly Happy Little Trees

I started to write something here and then I decided it was totally unacceptable and deleted it. I really need to start posting more often though, so I will waste a post teaching you how to draw Homer Simpson with your keyboard:


<(_8^(I)


I can see the blog awards rolling in from here.

Seven Word Sunday: Filet Mignon

Filet with sauteed onions and oven fries.