Message In A Bottle

I don't expect anyone to actually read this post, but to anyone that does stumble upon it, hello!

The last post on this blog was over ten years ago, so I imagine that everyone in my circle from the Golden Age of Blogs in 2008-2010 has scattered to the four corners of the Earth. But I wanted to post to tell you all that I remember you, I love you, and that was a very special time.

Yesterday, I was doing a cleanup of my saved bookmarks, which had gotten kind of unwieldy, and I found the bookmark for this blog. I spent a couple of hours reading old posts and all the comments from my extremely entertaining blogchums (all on company time, no less!) 

It's rather confronting to peek in on your own life from ten years ago, and it almost feels like you're a very different person who just happens to occupy the same body. There were some things about Old Me that I really liked. I could see my voice as a writer emerging in fits and starts, and I'm certain I would not be a writer today if I didn't have this blog. On the other hand, there were some things about Old Me that I really did not like and that I'm ashamed of. I made a lot of gay jokes, and while there was no malice, there was certainly a fair amount of thoughtless insensitivity. I also let my flirting get out of hand and made some posts that were sexist. There was a lot of flirting among the blogs, but in reading back my posts and comments, I saw someone that I would probably consider a creep if I read him today. I am sorry for these things, and if I hurt anyone, I want to offer a sincere apology.

With all that said, I do have mostly positive memories of that time in my life. I plan to poke around the other blogs and see if anyone has surfaced over the years. I hope some of you have. In the meantime, if anyone does see this, please say hi! I would love to hear from you.

- Fran (words... words... words...)

"Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer": A Deconstruction

It's a Christmas classic. But upon listening to "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" with adult ears, I have some questions.

1. "She'd been drinking too much eggnog and we begged her not to go. But she forgot her medication, and she staggered out the door into the snow."

Oh, you begged her not to go? You bunch of noble knights. You live close enough to Grandma that she, an old woman, can walk it - and nobody walks her home? Who ARE you people? Not to mention the fact that there is a Grandpa is mentioned in the song. Why was he staying and letting his elderly wife walk home in the snow?

2. "Should we open up her gifts or send them back?"

There are two ways to interpret this, and I must say that I don't care for either of them. One, you could be debating between sending her gifts back to the people who sent them and opening them up anyway. What use do you people have for gifts Grandma would receive? Is one of you short a Yankee Candle or a child's handmade shawl? Second, you could be debating between opening up the gifts or sending them back to the store for the refund. Grandma's death + gifts = profit??

3. "Now the goose is on the table, and the pudding made of figs."

You callous bastards are going through with Christmas dinner? Grandma's still warm, and you're celebrating?? I must say, as horrific as that sounds, it's entirely in keeping with the behavior on display in the rest of this song. Even her husband is drinking beer and playing cards! It sounds like this woman may have stepped in front of the sleigh, desperately seeking sweet relief from another Christmas with this bunch of jerks.

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas with your families, and my wish for you is that your families are caring enough that you will receive an elegy more loving than Grandma did.

The Way We Were

It's that time again. I find myself with a white page in front of me and lots of inchoate thoughts about what I want to write but not a lot of ideas about how to actually write them. I guess that's what makes some people writers and some people pipefitters, right?

I'm here again, one year removed from the last time, thanks to Scope at Scope-Tech. Last year he had the idea for bloggers who'd given up their blogs to come together on one day, Cyber Monday, and post something. It was wonderful, and I'm so glad he's doing it again. I got to read about some of my friends after so long, and it brought back many great memories about the daily interaction we used to have. There were some who were closer than others in that big group, but we really were friends.

And I guess that's what I want to write about. If you were my friend then, you're still my friend. We may not talk at all, we may only wish each other Happy Birthday on Facebook, we may only chat a bit while playing Words With Friends¹. No matter. Last night when I was thinking about what to write, I read a lot of my blog. I read a lot of the comments. I laughed out loud a lot. I was moved a lot. Now, we have fun with this Cyber Monday thing, but we all know that it will never be like it was. But that's okay. The blog and the people that read it and the things we told each other will always be a part of me. I never really told anyone that during the Golden Age of Blogs. There were snarky comments, jokes upon jokes, and a bit² of flirting. It was a lot of fun, but I think I treated it sometimes like a TV show that I talked back to instead of like a group of people. I guess it's hard in the moment to tell people what they mean to you, because it's hard to have that perspective. I'm a different person now. I'm in a wonderful relationship, and it's taught me a lot about how to treat other people.

So let me tell you now. In the spirit of the holiday, I'm thankful for the time we all shared. It meant a great deal to me. I think of you often, and when I do, I smile.

Francis


1. If you play, we should totally play
2. A lot

Consumer Protection

Dear Prodigal Bloggers,

Like many of you, I was inspired to resurrect my comfortably hibernating blog by Scope of Scope-Tech and his Cyber Monday mass blogathon idea. Since the Golden Age of Blogging, this blog has been inactive for three and a half years (save for two one-off posts you can see below this one) before today's slapdash¹ (and late) edition.

Quite a bit has changed for me in that time, and I currently find myself in Australia. Culturally, Australia is very much like the USA in many respects and quirkily dissimilar in some minor respects. For instance, a six-pack of average beer costs $20 here, which has caused a major reduction in both swearing at televised football games and my waistline.

One particularly jarring difference is that cigarette packs in Australia do not display the logo of the manufacturer. Instead, every brand very² graphically displays photographs of the health problems that can befall smokers. The pictures are truly disturbing, which is why I will link them here instead of posting them directly so that you can choose to look or not.

That brings me (finally) to my post for today. I wondered, if cigarettes are required to warn you very graphically about the dangers of smoking, why should other dangerous products not be subject to the same requirements? In this spirit, my crude Photoshop skills and I bring you:

Horrific Consumer Protection Packaging

As always, click pictures to embiggen.

I'm not sure those baskets are big enough for this meal. In other news, I kind of want to go to McDonald's right now.

If any word ever screamed out for quotation marks, it is the "real" in Real Housewives.

This warning may prove ineffective if you are pursuing a Real Housewife or watch excessive³ amounts of MTV.

To be fair, even though gin tastes like a pine tree air freshener, this warning may actually increase my consumption.

1. Terrible
2. VERY
3. Any

Fun With Camera Phones: Variety Meats Edition

This is from today's lunch menu.  I don't imagine it's among their more popular menu items.

My Prediction? BANE.

I recently went out to see The Dark Knight Rises, as every obedient pop culture monkey has over the last two weeks.  That reminds me - it's been two weeks.  I've waited long enough.  I'm going to spoil the shit out of this movie, and if you haven't seen it yet, leave now and come back later.  

*tap tap tap*

Back?  Good.  Anyway, I loved the movie.  I know lots of basement dwellers are complaining that the guy in the pit wasn't a licensed chiropractor, that Bruce Wayne couldn't have made his way back to Gotham from the subcontinent without an ID or money, that no police force would be stupid enough to flood the sewers with most of its manpower, and that Batman couldn't have survived ejecting from the Batplane at the end.  I would like to remind those people that they are watching a movie about a billionaire who has hollowed out a cave under his house in order to store an armada of secret vehicles and weapons that are probably sufficient to conquer two-thirds of the nations on Earth, all in the service of dressing up in an immobilizing rubber bat suit to beat up criminals.  Nerds, I'm sorry your superhero movie based on a comic book is not 100% rooted in scientific, medical, political, economic, psychological and temporal fact.  

I'm so glad I got that off my chest.  But seriously, that's not even the reason I'm writing this post.  This post is about the similarities between The Dark Knight Rises and another huge summer movie from back in the 80s, when summer movies were awesome.  I thought about this comparison all during the film, and the parallels just got more and more amazing.  People, what I'm here to tell you is this:

The Dark Knight Rises is a shameless rip-off of Rocky III.

But why, you ask?  Why would esteemed director Christopher Nolan dig into the 80s and choose to steal from Rocky III?  Dear reader - have you seen Rocky III?  IT. IS. AWESOME.  It's by far the best of the Rocky movies.  I pity the fool that does not recognize the greatness of Rocky III.  If you don't believe me, let's just look at the similarities one by one, shall we?

1. Both Batman and Rocky face an enemy in a ridiculous outfit.

Look at Bane.  He has that scary ass mask and body armor, then finishes the ensemble with a hipster jacket I can only surmise he found backstage at a Fleet Foxes concert.  Then we have Thunderlips.  His stylized pimp getup is clearly an influence on the fashion sensibilities of Kid Rock.  'Nuff said.

2. Batman and Rocky each face a dickhead who tries to break his back.

A little suspicious, no?  Here again we have Bane and Thunderlips (who by the way should absolutely form a villanous tag-team in the WWE) up to no good.  Thanks to the good folks at Warner Bros. and their team of copyright lawyers, scenes from The Dark Knight Rises will be represented by Lego re-enactments.  While both Batman and Rocky were spared a wheelchair, Batman did seem to take the worst of it, considering Rocky did not have any vertebrae protruding from his skin.

3. Batman and Rocky each exhibit a rich man's sense of invincibility and take a beating from a hungrier up-and-comer.

Rocky gets soft by appearing in American Express ads, wearing sweaters, and knocking over a succession of tomato cans that make Boxcar Ira look like Mike Tyson.  Clubber Lang is so desperate for a shot at the title that he is willing to proposition Adrian Balboa (and bravely follow through should she be into it) just to piss off Rocky enough to fight him.  Lang predictably destroys both Rocky and 50 years of progress against racial stereotypes.  Batman has the misfortune of facing a guy that's been sitting in a giant pit for years just getting madder and madder.  So mad in fact, that according to this Lego depiction, he administers a literal ass-kicking.

4. Batman and Rocky both lose elderly father figures who are tired of putting up with their harebrained schemes.

Alfred leaves Bruce Wayne because he thinks Bruce's Batman act will get him killed.  Possibly also because he's embezzled enough money from the Waynes to visit Italy every summer and he's tired of washing Bruce's underwear.  Mickey leaves because he thinks that Clubber Lang will beat the shit out of Rocky, and because he's tired of holding his mouth that way during all his speeches.

5. Batman and Rocky both leave their plush homes to keep it real and prepare for a rematch.

Both heroes get out of their comfort zones in the hope that they can find the same motivation as their hungry opponents.  Bruce Wayne literally tries to find the same motivation as Bane by sitting in the same stanky pit that made Bane who he is.  Rocky moves to a place that has black people.

6. Ass-kicking time.

Predictably, our heroes rediscover what made them great in the first place and handily defeat their nemeses.  Rocky employs the unusual strategy of letting Clubber Lang punch the shit out of him before kicking his ass.  Batman...well...he's doing something to Bane's ass.

Let's Just Call It Smell You Later

Dear readers (and the rest of you too),

This blog used to be good. It's kind of lost its way over the last few months and it's now just an infrequent repository of (kickass) songs and lame half-posts. I'm struggling to find the time to write in it, and I shouldn't have to struggle only to post crap.

I think for this blog to be good again, it needs direction. I need to take some time and rethink what I want it to be. I'm sure some of what I usually do will survive to WWW 2.0, but not all of it. Hopefully I'll be back before too long.

Thank you all for following my blog. I love knowing that someone out there is reading what I write, and occasionally enjoying it. I hope that I can come back and better reward your effort. I'll continue to read all of you, so I'll be around.

Thanks :)

WWW

Rocking For The Weekend: Jellyfish

This week I bring you Jellyfish, a great 90s pop band that isn't half as well known as they should be. They made two albums and were gone as quickly as they came, but left behind this gem called "Baby's Coming Back". It was a minor hit in 1991, and it's a great introduction to Jellyfish's hooky, vaguely orchestral pop. I haven't made a list, but I'm pretty sure this would be in my top ten favorite songs. Enjoy the weekend! I might even get Sunday off and join you!

Baby's Coming Back @ Yahoo! Video

That's Why He's The Master Of Horror

I was playing around with Photo Booth last night, and I had no idea how many effects it had or how specialized they were. Can you guys believe they have a "Stephen King" effect?

Rocking For The Weekend: Butch Walker

I first heard Butch Walker in the late 90s as the singer/songwriter/guitarist of kickass pop/punk band Marvelous 3. That band put out three fantastic albums and broke up in 2001, leading Walker to a new career as a songwriter/producer/svengali type. He's written and produced hits for such varied artists as Pete Yorn, Fall Out Boy, Avril Lavigne, All-American Rejects, Weezer, The Donnas, Hot Hot Heat, American Hi-Fi, and Dashboard Confessional, among others.

In addition to a career as a punkier Adam Schlesinger, Walker also continues to record his own albums. His solo music features the same catchy hook-laden pop rock as the Marvelous 3. Today's selection, "Bethamphetamine", comes from 2006's The Rise And Fall Of Butch Walker And The Let's-Go-Out-Tonites. Enjoy some fun rock and roll and enjoy your weekend!¹





1. Even though I have to work. AGAIN.

"Mahogany" Cards. Robert Horry.

Is it just me, or is the man in this Hallmark™ Mahogany card a dead ringer for NBA All-Star Robert Horry?

Do you think it's possible that Horry commissioned this lovely watercolor so that he might have a personalized card to send to family and friends? It would be most excellent for him to be able to go to the store and buy a card that was already pre-printed with his sentiments.

"Hello, dear friend or relative.

This is Robert Horry, and I am taking a moment from the time I set aside for looking pensive to wish you a happy birthday/graduation/wedding/baby/new job/bar mitzvah.

Best regards, seven time NBA champion Robert Horry.

P.S., thank you for your concerned inquiries, but no, I do not have vitiligo on my forearms."

I would like to think so. It amuses me.

Rocking For The Weekend: The Rolling Stones

In May, The Rolling Stones released a remastered version of Exile On Main Street, my #2 favorite album of all time. For some reason, I don't have my grubby little hands on it yet, but the news made me revisit this spectacular example of blues, juke joint boogie-woogie, and preening cocksurety.

Exile was recorded in the basement of Keith Richards' French hideaway during what approximated an extended house party. Guests came and went and took time out from frolicking to lay down a track or two. It all came together as a shambling, off the cuff masterpiece.

"Happy" is one of the few Stones songs that Richards sings lead vocals on. It lives up to its name, exuding joy at every turn. Consequently, it's long been a live staple for the Stones, and I hope you enjoy it today. Happy Weekend!¹




1. Even though I don't get a weekend this week. Or next week. Grr.

Football, Chalupas, and Curly Joe

Seattle Seahawks rookie wide receiver Golden Tate was apprehended last weekend breaking into a local doughnut shop at 3am. Tate was drawn by the smell of freshly baked maple bars, which he ate several of before police arrived. According to the Associated Press, Tate called the incident a "foolish mistake", but also declared that "if you ever want maple bars, that's the place to go." Seahawks coach Pete Carroll told reporters that he had spoken to Tate about the issue. "That's definitely wrong. We've talked about it, addressed it. He's remorseful and all that." However, even Carroll seems to be under the spell of the delicious pastry, adding "I do understand the lure of the maple bars." WWW finds it hilarious that the shop victimized by Tate's 3am munchie run is called "Top Pot Doughnuts".

Tate's tale brought to mind other incidents involving football players who got in trouble with the law in pursuit of tasty treats. Yes, there are enough incidents to warrant a a blog post.¹

Chad Kelsay, who played for the University of Nebraska and the Pittsburgh Steelers, was arrested in 2003 for eating off of other customers' plates at a Lincoln, Nebraska restaurant. By the time police arrived, Kelsay had moved on from pulling an Elaine Benes and was eating directly from the salsa bar. I am not making this up.

Both of these incidents are entertaining. But they simply cannot compare to the story of University of Kansas defensive end Dion Rayford. He was visiting a Taco Bell restaurant at 2am one night in 1999 when employees made the mistake of leaving a chalupa out of his order. The 270-pound Rayford became enraged and got stuck in the drive-thru window when he lunged at employees in an effort to retrieve the missing chalupa. The 14x46 inch window couldn't support his weight and collapsed, leaving Rayford hanging halfway inside. Employees retreated to the office and called police, who shockingly cited Rayford for disorderly conduct and having an open container of alcohol.²

This is the summary paragraph, where I'm supposed to tie all these stories together. But screw it. I just liked telling three awesome stories about drunk football players with the munchies. And it's my blog.


1. Three is enough. Three is the classic comedy number that makes everything funny. That's why there are Three Stooges.^A

2. I would like to think that they read him his rights while he was still stuck in the window. It amuses me.

A. Well, that and Shemp sucked.^AA

AA. Curly Joe, too.

The Truth Makes Baby Jesus Giggle And Then Spit Up A Little

On Thursday, I participated in a meme where I had to list seven facts about me - six truths and one lie. Eight of you hazarded a guess as to which was the lie. ONE stands alone as the winner! Let's go down the list, shall we?

1. A flag has been flown over the U.S. Capitol Building in my honor.
Tammy, S&C, and Girl Interrupted all guessed #1. All were wrong! I am an Eagle Scout, and back in the day one of the perks was receiving a flag flown over the Big Nip to mark the occasion. Sadly, it's not such a special thing anymore. These days, any citizen can order one from your Senator or Representative. (But you'll have to pay for it!)

2. I have performed karaoke exactly once, and I won that evening's contest.
Zibbs, Gwen, 180/360 and Blogless Rebecca all guessed #2. All were wrong! One year for Halloween, I dressed as a member of Devo, complete with red flowerpot hat and whip. The bar we went to happened to have karaoke, and the host pleaded with me to sing "Whip It". After five or six beers and two hours of relentless needling, I succumbed. I rocked it out, whipped everything in sight, and won Eagles tickets. Sweet.

3. I have been proposed to. (Yes, by a girl. Jerks.)
Trinity wins! He was the only person to guess correctly. I remain un-proposed to, even by Gwen. I think she thought I said "propositioned".

4. My only D in school was in Algebra I.
True. My parents were so shocked I didn't even get in trouble. I think it might be partly because they laughed when I called the algebra teacher a goober.

5. I have played catch with Kevin Costner on more than one occasion.
True. I worked on one of the good movies he made.

6. My mother once told me I got laid off from my job because I skipped church.
True. First thing out of her mouth after I told her I was laid off. It's still the worst thing she's ever said to me.

7. I've seen a doctor three times in the last 12 years.
True. It's hard to go to the doctor when you don't have insurance. Not because it's too expensive, but because if they find anything it will never be covered.

Thanks for playing, and congrats to Trinity!

Rocking For The Weekend: Def Leppard

I was inspired to post this song by a blogger who shall remain nameless. Said blogger had a bit of fun at my expense for being an unabashed, unironic fan of Def Leppard. I have no choice but to retort by posting "Pour Some Sugar On Me". It is not only a definitive Friday song, but also the best stripping song ever recorded (take that, Motley Crue!) and proof that lyrics mean absolutely nothing. This song is completely unintelligible (a Def Leppard trademark). I defy any group of distinguished linguists, cultural anthropologists, or even ecclesiastical scholars to divine any meaning whatsoever in the song. It's just ear candy, and it does not suffer in the least for it.

I've always thought that Def Leppard was unfairly ghettoized by the term "hair metal". Their songwriting, chops and vocal harmonies always put them well ahead of contemporaries like the aformentioned Crue, Poison, Bon Jovi, Skid Row, Warrant and the like. I see Def Leppard more as the descendants of glam rock bands like Mott The Hoople, T. Rex and especially Queen. If you listen to their music with 2010 ears, you might be surprised at the level of pop songcraft present.

Rumor has it (I refuse to consider anything broadcast by VH-1 more reliable than rumor) that the album Hysteria was completed but that the record company wanted one more song. Uberproducer Mutt Lange heard lead singer Joe Elliott noodling on an acoustic guitar and his ears pricked up. Elliott said that it was just a little unfinished riff he was playing with, and Lange insisted that the band flesh it out. Shortly afterward, "Pour Some Sugar On Me" was added to the album just before it shipped. Hysteria was initially a disappointing failure, leaving the band nearly bankrupt. Then "Pour Some Sugar On Me" was released as a single, and it ignited sales of the album, which went on to dominate the summer and fall of 1988 in a way that rock records simply can't do anymore.

But enough babbling. Enjoy the song and enjoy the weekend :)

Lies Make Baby Jesus Cry (But He's Not Here)

I have been bestowed with an award by the delightful-and-soon-to-be-wed Cora of Love Letters By Cora! And just in time for my blog, which teeters on life support. This award includes a meme in which I am asked to become a filthy liar. This is not a stretch, as anyone who reads my blog can attest. Behold the Creative Writer Blogger Award!


This is not just a ceremonial position. I must do the following:

•Express gratitude to the blogger who bestowed the award unto you.
(see above)

•Display the picture on your blog proudly.
(see to the right)

•Be nice and provide a link to the person who gave it to you.
Love Letters By Cora

•Tell up to 6 outrageous lies about yourself, and at least 1 outrageous truth, or switch it around and tell 6 outrageous truths and 1 outrageous lie.
I'm going to go with the 6 truths and 1 lie:

1. A flag has been flown over the U.S. Capitol Building in my honor.
2. I have performed karaoke exactly once, and I won that evening's contest.
3. I have been proposed to. (Yes, by a girl. Jerks.)
4. My only D in school was in Algebra I.
5. I have played catch with Kevin Costner on more than one occasion.
6. My mother once told me I got laid off from my job because I skipped church.
7. I've seen a doctor three times in the last 12 years.

•Nominate 7 creative writers who might be into doing this.
•Post links to the seven blogs you nominate and let the owners of those blogs know.

Honestly, I'm not big on sending other blogs memes. But since there are a few blogs I enjoy that have been slacking even more than I have, I will tag them in a show of tough love. I hereby tag:

Falwless at Lots Better Then Your Blog
Girl Interrupted at A World So Small
The Imaginary Reviewer at The Imaginary Review

Get cracking, you three! And the rest of you...guess my lie!

Fun With Camera Phones: Amish Edition

I would love to have been a fly on the wall when Joey and Sassie debated what they wanted to do for their Rumspringa and came up with...Shakey's. Not Disneyland? Not the beach? Not Hollywood? Not smoking cigarettes behind Jumbo's Clown Room? Not even...a bar? SHAKEY'S?

FRIENDS: "So tell us about the outside world!"

JOEY: "It's filled with balloons and pepperoni pizza and the wings of chickens covered in a sauce more fiery than Satan's lair itself!"

SASSIE: "And unlimited refills of Coke!"

I am certain Joey and Sassie will remain in the Amish community.


The fact that Shakey's misspelled "Rumspringa" just adds the perfect touch of pathos.

Rocking For The Weekend: The Muppets

Okay, so this isn't technically "rocking". But it's Memorial Day Weekend! And who better to help us observe this holiday than my favorite Muppet, that glowering patriot, Sam the Eagle. Please join Sam and the rest of the Muppets in a rousing rendition of "Stars And Stripes Forever", and enjoy your holiday weekend!

Fun With Camera Phones: Loss Prevention

I wonder if they had this problem when they were making Charlie And The Chocolate Factory.

Rocking For The Weekend: Boston

Thank God for Rocking For The Weekend. If it weren't for this feature, WWW might conceivably go a month without a post. (Pause for hopeful sighs.) For better or for worse, today you get a post. And what performer is good enough to break a two-week dry spell you ask? Boston!

Boston was one of my favorite bands in high school, and they remain a fond favorite today. I was digging through some old CDs this week and came upon Boston's skimpy discography. If you like good-time rock and roll with thundering guitar, hand claps, soaring harmonies, and the occasional massive pipe organ, you like Boston. And I defy you not to like "Feelin' Satisfied", an exuberant ode to live concerts. There's so much joy in this song that it's perfect for Friday. Enjoy!



Some interesting Boston trivia:

* Founder and guitarist Tom Scholz holds an MS in mechanical engineering from MIT and worked at Polaroid on the team that developed the Polaroid Instant Camera. Then he decided to rock.

* Scholz also invented and marketed the Rockman, a popular analog guitar effects unit designed to produce the Boston guitar sound. It was embraced by Steve Stevens (Billy Idol), Neal Schon (Journey), Billy Gibbons (ZZ Top), and Steve Clark and Phil Collen (Def Leppard).

* Boston's self-titled debut album, released in 1976, sold 17 million copies and was the biggest selling debut album in history until it was surpassed by Guns N' Roses' Appetite For Destruction in 1988.