Fork You

Lowdown dirty rotten scoundrel rat bastard.

I was eating lunch at work today and the restaurant forgot to give me utensils for my salad.* So I went rooting around in the kitchen for utensil packs left over from lunches past. I came upon a treasure trove of those little plastic-wrapped packs that have utensils, salt, pepper and a napkin. I picked one up and took it to my desk before I realized that it only had a knife and a spoon in it. "Odd," I thought. "What the hell could I eat that would require a knife and spoon but no fork?" So I went back to get another utensil pack and soon realized that they all had knives and spoons but no forks. "Okay, this is weird," I thought. "Obviously, there is a (popular) dish that needs a knife and a spoon but not a fork." And it is killing me that I can't think of it.

Then I realized the true horror of the situation.

Some gutless weasel had opened all the utensil packs and removed the forks. WHY? Someone had taken the time to go through maybe 30 of these things and take out every single effing fork. WHY? All I can think of is that a bunch of forks were needed for some meeting and nobody had time to go to the store. Even then, wouldn't a normal decent human being replace them? At least say, "Hey, we're out of forks because I'm a humongous tool!" I swear to God. It's like eating all the chocolate out of a carton of Neapolitan ice cream. It's. Just. Not. Done.

But no. This mealy-mouthed coward will get away with it. And I'm sitting here eating salad with a spoon like a chump.


* Yes, even fat dudes eat salad. We eat everything.