The G-Chat Diaries, Vol. 7

Some snippets of Chatter X gold...


Chatter X: What are you wearing?
WWW: Hot pants and an apron that says "Kiss The Cook".
Chatter X: Wow, you guys have Casual Friday?
WWW: We have Extremely Casual Friday.
Chatter X: Every day here is casual. Especially for me because i'm a slob.


Chatter X: People like that annoy the shit out of me. Typical comments: "Whatever." "Who cares." "Wow." "That's cool!" and my favorite, "Hmm."
WWW: Hmm is a useless comment. It's just, "I read this."
Chatter X: I HATE when people leave a comment like "Who cares" or "don't care." Why leave a fucking comment then? It's maddening.
WWW: Yeah, I don't understand that either. It's like if you have a text vote on TV with options "yes" "no" and "I don't know". Who is spending a dime and a minute of time to say they don't know?


WWW: Oh, that ship sailed long before his balls were in my mouth.
Chatter X: That sentence is like one of those great things you'd overhear on the subway that would drive you crazy all day long.
WWW: A great out of context line.
Chatter X: Yes. Like, “If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college.”


Chatter X: Why do these companies always try to get you to participate in their dumbass phone surveys? Does anyone ever hit 1 for yes?
WWW: I bet a lot of people do
Chatter X: The same people who comment "hmm" and vote "I don't know" in polls.
WWW: Almost all polls are made up primarily of the elderly and the unemployable.
Chatter X: That's ageist.
WWW: No it's not! You're one of those people who cry racist at the mere mention of the word "black".
Chatter X: OMG you said "black." You're racist.
WWW: I am, but not because of that.


Chatter X: I'd like to kill this assbag dude who makes all the recordings for these companies. He just sounds like a dick.
WWW: Like the Moviefone guy?
Chatter X: Yeah. “lllllet me see if i have this right…”
WWW: Hahaha. My "no" gets more annoyed each time.
Chatter X: I know, me too. Then I breathe really heavily into the phone and it picks that up and he goes, "ssssorry, iiii didn't catch that."
WWW: "I said I'd like to plug your mother in the ass"
Chatter X: I've done that before...just saying shit because I'm pissed off.
Chatter X: Eventually they disconnect me because "I'm sorry you're having trouble".
WWW: Agent.
WWW: AGENT.
WWW: AAAAAAAGENT, GODDAMMIT!
Chatter X: I'm rebooking people on this flight that has less than an hour layover. I hope they get stuck there.
WWW: "I think you said 'domestic,' is that right?"
Chatter X: FUUUUCK YOOOOOUUUUU
WWW: "I heard 'fuck you'. Is that right?"
Chatter X: YES
Chatter X: Great. If you'd like that in the vagina, say "vagina." If you'd like that in the ass, say "ass." If you want to try something else, say "kinky shit."
WWW: I heard "kinky shit". Is that right?
Chatter X: NO
WWW: Actually, a phone sex line that started with a menu like this is a hilarious idea.
WWW: You'd lose the feeling before you get to the girl.


Chatter X: I love how hold music today tries to be contemporary. I'm listening to this super easy-going song that sounds like something from a Ambien commercial, and then in the middle they try to throw in some crunching ACOUSTIC guitars.
WWW: There is a reason Muzak went out of business.
Chatter X: Yeah, Bob Muzak died.
WWW: Shame. I heard they played “The Girl From Ipanema” at his funeral
Chatter X: He died in an elevator, oddly enough.
Chatter X: We should take this act on the road.


Chatter X: G-chat just told me, "WWW is busy. You may be interrupting." That's rude!
WWW: Sorry, you must have missed me terribly.
Chatter X: Hold on.
Chatter X: Okay, I had to blow my nose and wipe the copious tears away.
WWW: It's okay. I'm used to that.
Chatter X: But only after sex. This must be a new experience
WWW: Hahaaha. Score.
Chatter X: That reminds me. What is the score now? It's gotta be something like Me 238, You -2
WWW: You were never very good at math, were you?
Chatter X: No, but I can certainly draw a hash mark and add those up. I've been keeping score on my chalktop.
WWW: I think elves are sneaking in at night and changing it.
Chatter X: I don't think so. I keep it where the Gooks can't find it. In my ass!
WWW: Are you kidding? All of Santa's elves could go in at the same time and look around for that shit.
Chatter X: But that's because they're magical! You realize that you're basically accusing the Claus organization of dishonesty. If this gets out, well, a lot of people are going to be very unhappy with you.
WWW: Well, if people knew what you did to Santa, they would understand.
Chatter X: This is it. This is the most ridiculous conversation we've ever had.
WWW: And that is a big statement to make, too.
Chatter X: I know.
Chatter X: What is the Chatter X potential?
WWW: Off the charts.
Chatter X: You have to be careful though.
WWW: Be careful of what?
Chatter X: Not to blow my cover.
WWW: Unless people know you're fond of magic elves in your ass, I think you're safe.
Chatter X: Uh, who DOESN'T know that I'm fond of magic elves in my ass??
WWW: Well, I know the readers of Extreme Ass Insertions Weekly do.
Chatter X: I'm a contributing editor there. They like my first-person accounts.
WWW: I never thought anything like this would ever happen to my ass...