Blogger's Little Helper

As anyone who pays attention to this blog has noticed (yes, both of you), I haven't had anything to write about lately. I've spent two weeks writing cheat entries like posting (bad) pictures of (good) food.

I've gone nearly four days without an entry of any kind, and this must stop. I've decided that my blog needs performance enhancing drugs. Not steroids...I can't really see how those would improve my creativity unless my outlet was sculpting giant blocks of wood with an axe. But something.

I couldn't decide on the right drug for me, so I evaluated several possibilities.


ALCOHOL
For writers, alcoholism has always just been a part of the job description. Rappers are misogynists, movie directors are coke fiends, and writers drink themselves to death. It's just what's done. Who am I to ignore the example set by Hemingway, Joyce, Capote or any of the multitude of others?

Pros: Gets you drunk. Makes you happy (for a while.)

Cons: Gets you drunk. Makes you happy (for a while.)

Conclusion: Writing is not fun, even for writers. Drinking makes you want to have fun. Not a good fit.


MARIJUANA
There is no great history of dope-smoking writers, the Beat generation excepted. And their output leads one to conclude that there is also no history of great dope-smoking writers. Furthermore, marijuana does not seem to inspire creativity aside from inventing a bushel of legitimate uses for hemp in the hope of fooling people into thinking the legalization movement is really about durable pants and strong rope. So why did I include marijuana in this evaluation? Because words...words...words... was bestowed with a generous honorarium from Woody Harrelson, Snoop Dogg, and a preponderance of Black Crowes.

Pros: Generous honorarium. Easily obtainable, especially in California.

Cons: Inspires nothing but the fortitude to sit through an entire Sanford And Son marathon on TV Land.

Conclusion: I would have to be high to think pot is the answer.


CRYSTAL METH
Crystal meth is the current darling of joke writers, probably because most of its enthusiasts are rather comical in ways that have nothing to do with drugs. Meth flourishes in dusty, dry small towns that offer no better entertainment than driving around and playing mailbox baseball or trying to score with your best friend's fifteen-year-old cousin. In other words, Nebraska, Texas and California. Meth makes you rob your family, makes your teeth fall out, and turns your skin into saddlebags. So while it has no direct link to creativity, meth cultivates the kind of rock-bottom despondence that often inspires great art.

Pros: Drags you from the middle class to the life of a toothless streetwalking junkie, thus attracting the attention of Hollywood producers.

Cons: Limited wardrobe consists mainly of wifebeaters, Lee jeans, and John Deere caps.

Conclusion: Crystal meth addiction represents a one-in-a-million shot to be the guy who finally becomes the Bukowski of trailer park drugs. In other words, even if you win, you lose.


After reviewing the available options, I have yet to find the right performance enhancing drug for my blog. I'll have to just keep slogging away like I'm walking in thigh high mud. In the meantime, dear readers, drug suggestions are more than welcome.

To Boldly Go

I had an exhilarating experience at work the other day. One that neither I or my coworkers will soon forget.

I'd arrived at work and set up my computer only to find that I had left my power supply at home. My battery is on its last legs and has been averaging only an hour per charge, so I let out an aggravated string of profanity as I realized I'd have to travel back home for the power supply. I figured I might as well work on battery power to check my email and go through my morning routine before heading home again. After about 45 minutes, the battery meter was down to 7% and I knew my time was short.

But a funny thing happened. The meter hovered at 7% for a few minutes. And then a little longer. Soon it was a full half hour with the meter still reading 7%. And that's when I realized that something special was happening. The ancient battery was exceeding all expectations, heading toward an hour and a half of power with time apparently standing still. I had been ready to shut down and make the trip home, but I felt a strange compulsion to see this miracle through to the end. I adjusted my computer's power setting to "Long Life" just to see how far I could ride this baby out. I then alerted my coworkers to what was going on, and we all soon felt a stake in what was happening.

My experience was reminiscent of the Seinfeld episode where Kramer test drives a car. He and the salesman realize the car's gas tank is near empty, but they drive on through the night, daring the car to quit on them. Their own special experience is captured here:



The plucky battery raged against the dying of the light for THREE FULL HOURS, two hours longer than expected. There was nothing left to prove. I nodded with respect and whispered, "That'll do, pig" as I selected "Full Power" from the power settings. The battery expired in a matter of moments.

I then set about driving home to retrieve my power supply. But none of us will forget the thrill of pushing far beyond our natural boundaries and turning our fear into exhilaration. You don't forget a day that changes you.