Springfield Rock City

It occured to me the other day while watching The Simpsons that Krusty the Clown is the Gene Simmons of comedy. After thinking about it some more, it only followed that Gene Simmons is the Krusty the Clown of rock and roll. These two men, while probably not acquainted, have similar attitudes, values and foibles. I'm certain they'd get along like gangbusters...at least long enough to have a debauched weekend in Vegas. Come, won't you, and let's examine the startling parallels between these two titans of the entertainment industry!

	Gene Simmons	Krusty the Clown
Hairstyle	Three-pronged afro (black)	Three-pronged afro (green)
Makeup	Evil clown	Sad clown
Abandoned Career	Imparter of knowledge (schoolteacher)	Imparter of knowledge (rabbi)
Addiction	Poultry-related (chicks)	Poultry-related (dodo egg omelettes)
Sidekick	Hairy ape (Paul Stanley)	Hairy ape (Mr. Teeny)
Secret Shame	Judaism	Judaism
Ill-Advised Endorsements	KISS coffin/beverage cooler, KISS wine, KISS Mr. Potato Head dolls	Krusty Brand Imitation Gruel, Krusty Brand Home Pregnancy Test, Lady Krusty Mustache Removal System
Skill At Chosen Career	Questionable	Very Questionable
Eventual Cause Of Death	Shot by hooker	Shot by bookie

Actual Conversations With Real (I Think) People, Vol. 8

I am a dyed-in-the-wool PC guy who is considering buying a Mac because it would make life easier at work. I had a single, specific question I wanted to ask about the Mac, so I thought, "Why not use the Apple Store online chat?" What follows is the answer to that rhetorical question.

I am pretty sure of three things: 1. I was speaking to a computer, and one for whom English was not its first language. 2. She is happy to assist me with that. 3. I will need my Mac to have great performance.


Apple: Hi, my name is Myrlande. Welcome to Apple!

Myrlande? Really? Maybe it's backwards and her actual name is Edna L. Rym.

WWW: Hello, my name is WWW. I have a question about MacBook Pro.

Apple: I'm happy to assist with that.

WWW: I'm trying to decide on a MacBook Pro model. I wonder if you can explain to me the difference between the 9400M and 9600M graphics cards, and what kind of work would benefit from the 9600M. The difference in the graphics card would be the main reason for me to jump from the $1699 model to the $1999 model.

Apple: I'm happy to assist you with that.

Apple: It will depend on what you are going to use the Mac for.

Apple: May I ask a few questions to better understand your specific needs?

WWW: Sure.

Apple: Great.

Apple: Will this be your first Mac?

WWW: Yes.

Apple: How do you plan to use your new Mac?

WWW: I'll be buying it for work. My job's server is Mac-based and all my coworkers are on Mac. I'll be using FileMaker, working with high-res Quicktime files, and using Photoshop heavily.

Apple: That's good to know.

Apple: You need enough RAM and graphic memory card.

Apple: You will need your Mac to have great performance.

I will? I'm glad you told me now!

WWW: Can you tell me specifically what applications and what kind of work the 9600M graphics card is designed for?

Apple: If you are going to use intensive video graphic, I would recommend it.

I'm starting to suspect a script is in use. A script written by a recent Estonian immigrant.

WWW: But can you tell me more specifically what sort of work that card is designed to handle that the 9400M card can't handle?

Apple: It can do both.

And....THERE. That's when she lost me.

Apple: But the more you increase the RAM and the Graphic memory card, the better the performance.

WWW: Thank you very much.

I was expecting this to be the end of this fruitless chat. But she kept going and I decided to hang on for the ride.

Apple: My pleasure.

Apple: What other software application will you be using on this Mac?

WWW: Primarily Microsoft Office, FileMaker and Photoshop.

Apple: Thanks.

Apple: Will you store music, photos and/or movies on your Mac?

WWW: Yes

Apple: How big is your music library?

WWW: 31GB

Apple: That's pretty large.

That's what she said!

Apple: Since you are going to be using it for work and I'm sure you want great performance.

Apple: I would recommend you to go with the 2.66 with the 256MB of graphic memory card.

Apple: Since you are going to use video editing, you should be fine.

WWW: Aren't, you mean?

Apostrophes are important, kids.

Apple: Unless you are planning to do that in the future.

WWW: I see.

Apple: Yes.

Apple: They both will give you great performance.

She keeps talking about needing "great performance". Is she insinuating something about my performance? She already said it was pretty large, isn't that good enough? TELL ME, MYRLANDE, IS IT EVER ENOUGH FOR YOU?

WWW: Well, thank you. This has been very illuminating.

And how!

Uh, sorry about that outburst back there.

Apple: When will you be purchasing this Mac?

WWW: If I purchase a Mac, which I'm less sure of by the minute, it will likely be sometime in the next two months.

Apple: I understand.

Apple: If you are interested in the Mac, you can go ahead and save it for later.

WWW: Oh, I will definitely be saving this.

Blog gold!

WWW: Thank you!

- FIN -